Blues & News

I want to start off by saying thank you to all of those who have kept our family in prayer this week.  God has been answering beyond all I could ask or imagine.  Whenever I reach a time that I think it going to be overwhelmingly sad (like when I had to tell the nursery workers at church they wouldn't be seeing Josiah anymore or when our friends have to say goodbye to him) I surprisingly am okay.  Granted, I cry about thinking about those things, but when I actually have to go through them, I sense God giving me a peace and comfort that I know has to be from Him.

This week has been filled with many sweet memories and ups and downs.  There has been many tears over silly things like thinking....this might be the last time I see him eating _________ or the last time I see him wearing __________ or the last time I read him ________.  There are dozens and dozens of little things I grieve.  And yes, I know I'm being dramatic- it's not like he's dying.  But for me, it feels like I almost have to let him die in a way.  When the time comes that he goes, I can't be thinking about what he's going to be eating or how long his nap is or what book he's going to read next.  It feels like a dozen little deaths all stringed together after each time we make a happy memory. So each memory that is meant to be so sweet leaves a lingering bitter feeling when I think it's going to be the last time I see him do something.  I hate that.  Savor the moment.  When times are good be happy, Megan.  I'm ridiculous.

We've had lots of fun memories that we've made together as a family this week- like going out to breakfast and playing with basketballs in our school gym, spending time with friends, and delivering cinnamon rolls to a few families this morning on our day off from school (thank you, snow day.)  I felt like I would look back on this week and feel like I spent every opportunity filling it with as much happy as we could.  I'm not looking forward to packing, and I was putting it off as long as possible.  I was planning on doing my last load of kid laundry with his clothes in it tomorrow night after Justin's family came over to say goodbye to him.

And then...the call.  We called our caseworker to see if it was an absolute necessity to send Josiah for his weekly visitation to visit with his parents tomorrow.  (aka- let's let 2 idiots sit in a room with their 2 children and play house for an hour, NOT change Josiah's diaper, and "forget" to give him his lunch eventhough the visit is from 11:30-12:30.)  When he goes on visitation, he falls asleep in the car on the way back for 10 minutes or so and then won't take a nap in the afternoon.  Then we deal with a cranky toddler for the next 2 days.  It's wonderful.  She said the visits are court-ordered and there's nothing we can do to keep him home tomorrow.  Justin asked, "what if he is 'sick'?"  She asked that we please not do that.  Fine.  Fine.  Fine.  He can go and our last 24 hours with him with be awful.  Fine.

And then she said, "Actually, we're not going to be moving him on Friday."

Ummmm....what???

They want to have a "mediation meeting" with all the lawyers before they do anything now.  DYFS lawyer, Parents' lawyers, grandfather's lawyer.  Apparently they all need to know what's going on.  Makes sense, I guess.  But then WHY, LOVELY DYFS, DID YOU ASK US TO GIVE YOU A DATE WHEN YOU WERE GOING TO MOVE HIM WHEN YOU WANTED TO ANYWAY?!?!?

I'm not complaining we get more time, believe me.  I love that boy.  I will gladly be his mama for as long as God has called me to be.  BUT- I felt like I was in a good place.  I was emotionally prepared. I was mentally prepared.  I was in the process of getting his things physically prepared. It was going to be hard, but this weekend, it was finally going to be time to start healing and start moving forward with my life.

And now, the mediation meeting is set for the 27th.  I'm angry.  I feel like all of this time I have spent grieving and preparing myself have been for nothing.  And I'm going to have to do it all over again in a few weeks.  I know God's timing is perfect, and he will remove Josiah from our home when He feels it is the best time.  I'm just so drained at this point that all I feel is numbness. Waiting is torture.

So...I don't know what to say.  Thanks for praying, but Friday is no longer "the" day.  Who knows when it will be?