Some thoughts on (the day after) Josiah's birthday. Thanks for nothing, daffodils.

The daffodils are late this year.  Their blossoms always remind me of the flowers that were on the table the day we brought Josiah home from the hospital.  So, I'll blame the daffodils for letting the date on the calendar sneak up on me.  It was 10:45 at night, and I was just ready to turn into bed when I looked at Justin, wide eyed...."Oh no.  What's the date?!?!?!"

I let myself wallow in his absence so seldom. 

But on his birthday, I looked at pictures, I watched a few videos, I let myself miss him.  Bad idea?  Good idea?  Maybe its just my way of counting my stones, digging through the pile of God's blessings so I don't forget how good God was in letting us have him for as long as we did.

This year feels different.  I felt like I really had to dig to find them.  Past my Molly stones, Sadie stones, Henry stones, home stones, job stones, church stones, friend stones, vacation stones, car stones, health stones....so so so so many blessings.  Josiah's stones have weathered, smoothed, their rough edges don't scrape my insides like they used to.  I wonder if I would be able to enjoy my other blessings as much if he were here.  Maybe there's a little sense of relief that God emptied my heart and home before He could really fill it. 

 That empty place that he left is so filled to full, it is overflowing with good things- and more importantly-- the lingering lesson of how God takes the rough places and makes them smooth.  Takes a crooked path and makes it straight.  Shows me how His plan is far greater than my own.
 

I am thankful for this little boy.   Your birthday will always be a reminder of how good God was, is, and will continue to be.  I love you, Josiah. 

Happy 5th Birthday!