Being and Doing

I believe there is a large gap that should separate the philosophies of "who we are" and "what we do." But unfortunately from the time we are young, we are taught they are one in the same.  "Hey little Johnny, what do you want to be when you grow up?"  And he'll say "firefighter, truck driver, policeman."  Ask other children and they'll say "a mommy," "teacher," "cook," "artist."  These are all the things they want to do; perhaps if they understood the true answer to that question they would say, "When I grow up, I want to be brave", or "creative", or "helpful", or "smart."

And still as "grown-ups" we spur on the misconception by either taking pride or feeling shameful in answering the question to the title of our vocation.  We'll give disclaimers like, "I'm a secretary, but I'm  really trying to become a free-lance graphic designer."  or  "I work the nightshift now, but I'll be promoted to manager in a few years, " or if you're like me, "I'm a stay-at-home mom, but I used be an art teacher."  (Like I have to clarify that I really know how to do more than feed and bathe and diaper and launder.)

I was imagining that a true sense of fulfillment would come when I finally could say I was a wife and mother.  If you asked me at the age of five what I wanted to be when I grew up, that would have been my answer.  It's a role I've been preparing a lifetime for.  And now that I have it, I find myself still a little on the empty and lonely side.  Feeling this way has forced me to examine the reason of why staying at home and being only a wife and mom isn't making me feel like I am being all that God created me to be.              
It makes me ask that question:

What do I want to be when I grow up?  

And after some pondering and praying, no matter what the title of my vocation or list of daily activities is, this the answer that I've come up with:  

1. I want to be generous to others- with my time and talents and education I've been blessed to receive.

2. I want to be efficient- to be organized with my possessions, and look back on my day and know that the time God has blessed me with was not wasted.

3. I want to be creative- this is the part of me that most resonates with the character of God.  I know He loves me because I am surrounded by beauty, and I want to show and share that beauty with others.  

4. I want to be a good wife.  I want my words to be kind and my actions to be loving.  I want my husband to know that he is daily becoming closer to who God created him to be because above every other girl he could have chosen, he chose me to be his helpmeet.

5. I want to be a good mom.   I want to be patient.  I want to find joy in the simplest of my children's discoveries, rejoice with them when they reach the smallest of milestones, cuddle and encourage when they make mistakes.

6. I want to be a learner- of God's word, of new skills, of cooking, of painting techniques, of anything that will help me to be better at all the things listed above.



I am by no means trying to complain because I know I am beyond blessed, and I do feel completely honored to be a stay-at-home mother to Josiah and Molly.  But what I have is harder than caring for twins.  They are both so little, so helpless, so mobile, and into everything imaginable.  They are 5 and 1/2 months apart, so Josiah is constantly trying to bully Molly.  Molly is frustrated that she can't walk and feed herself like Josiah can.  They are on flip-flopped nap schedules- Molly naps from 10-11 and 3-5.  Josiah sleeps from 11:30-2:30.  They also share a room, so if I do put them down at the same time, they just stand in their cribs and jump up and down and laugh and chatter together.  I should be flexible some days and try to fudge their nap times so I can get out of the house and have a social life.  But I am under the philosophy that nap time is sacred.  I face the consequences for two crippling days afterwards trying to get them back to their schedule.  So that leaves me with no way to get of the house and never time to get a break from children until 8:00 at night when they are sleeping and I am beyond exhausted and irritable.  This role does not put me anywhere close to the person I want to BE because:

1. I am frugal with my time and talents and resources because most of my energy is spent doing all the daily tasks that is required of keeping two babies clean, healthy, happy, well-rested, and well-fed.

2. I am not efficient with my time.  Because when I am home all day, I think I have so much time to do everything on my list, that hardly any of it gets done.  And my house is usually messy because trying to keep a house tidy with two little ones?  Close to impossible.

3. I am not creative.  I'm too lazy tired to be.

4. Honestly, I am not a very good wife.  My husband would probably disagree but I know I could be better.  I want to have conversations that don't center around, "This is what I did today, so it's your turn to take over with the kids."  When I am tired, I am not as kind or loving as I could or should be.

5.  I spend more time than I should not appreciating little details of my children's childhood because I'm trying to juggle their care and not going crazy because I am in need of social contact.   That is why I blog and am on the computer more than I should be.  It is my only way to feel that I am connected to the world without having to call anyone or go anywhere.

6. I don't spend much time learning new things.  I have time and energy to do what I know- and that's about it.  

  
This is something I've been praying a lot about lately.  I want to find contentment in every role and season God has called me to, but I think when shadows of "I know I should be/could be more" start to creep up on me, I need to listen.  

It seems God has answered with a resounding, "I care more about who you are than what you do."  And in an amazing turn of events, He has opened up a new role for me.  I'm not so excited about what this means I'm going to do.  I'm more excited about what this new role is going to enable me to be.

All that to say, I'm going back to work.

A part-time position has opened up at the school where I taught for 3 years.  This is where Justin and I met.  It is a 5 minute drive from my house.  And Justin teaches there.  I'm going to be teaching 3 classes in the afternoon- a 9th grade drawing class, an upper-lever art history/careers in art class, and home ec. (that one I've never taught before.)  My mother-in-law is watching the kids one day, and a family friend is watching them the other 4 days of the week.  They are going to be coming to my house to watch them so the kids' nap schedule is not interrupted.  Most of the time I'll be gone, the kids will be napping, so I won't feel like I've missed too much of their day.  Here's what I'm hoping this new role will accomplish:

1.  I get to teach what I know to others.  I won't feel like I've wasted the years and money I spent educating myself.

2.  I will need to be more efficient with my time.  I will have less of it.  I always get more things done when I have to budget my time better.  It sounds silly that being busier allows me to get more things done, but its so true.  Having other people at the house all the time will hopefully force me to be more organized and keep the house in better shape.

3.  I get to be creative again!  I love coming up with fun lesson plans and making art myself that demonstrates techniques that I'm teaching.

4.  I get to spend more time with Justin.  What I love most about working with him is being involved in the same ministry.  Not that being parents together isn't "ministry" but I love that we'll have things in common again to talk about when we get home.

5.  Even though the quantity of time I'll spend with my kids will be shorter, I'm hoping the quality will be better.  Since our time is limited, I'm hoping I will savor our time together more.

6.  There is no better way of learning new things than to teach new things.  It makes you responsible and "own" information when you teach it.  I can't wait to delve into cooking and sewing with home ec. students!

So, once again, God is gracious.  I am thankful that He cares more about who I am than what I do.  It's like a cherry on top of a pile of blessings when I get to do what I love to do while being who I'm supposed to be!

What do you want to be when you grow up?

Chapter 37: How being Out of State and going Out of my Mind has now put me in a better State of Mind

It is a difficult undertaking to try to take Josiah out of New Jersey.  We need his parents' permission to do so, and if they don't concede, we need to take them to court to get a contingency for the judge to allow it.  It is a messy and long process if the parents are fickle about it, which they usually are.  We usually end up having to make the case worker ask multiple times before they agree.  But this time, they signed the paperwork the first time they were asked.  *Insert Hallelujah Chorus Here*

We've taken weekend trips up to Boston to see my sister, Robin, twice, but this was our first real week-long vacation as a family of four out of the state of New Jersey.  I was pumped about it.  The icing on the cake was we were going to get to meet this little guy and to see my other sister- Amy's family (who I haven't seen since Thanksgiving last year.)

Micah Owen Plew, I love you so.


My two cherubs are EXCELLENT car travelers...so we thought.  We thought we were going to drive the 12 hours to South Carolina through the night.   Quick and easy and painless.  Ummm...wrong.  By 12:30, Josiah was still awake, not crying, but a whimpering a pitiful "what have you done to me and why won't you let me sleep?!" moan that went on and on for hours.  Finally at 1:00 we stopped at a hotel a little past Richmond, VA.  We figured out that it cost about $15 an hour to "sleep" there.  I say "sleep" because the minute we hauled in the kids, their pack and plays, and a few items for ourselves up the 5 flights, Molly and Josiah were wide awake and eager to perform gymnastics on the king sized bed like a trampoline.  Molly went back asleep within 20 minutes.  Josiah knew he could break us, and he was screaming loud enough to wake his sister multiple times- and probably both rooms next to us- before we just let him sleep in between us in the bed.          

That, friends, was the tone that set our week of family bliss off to a gloriously exhausting start.

8 hours later to SC and watching the same episode of Special Agent Oso about 15 times before the laptop died- we arrived at our destination.

I'll spare you the details of the daily activities while trying to still maintain a reasonable nap schedule and diet for the babies.  I was unsuccessful my first day there and Molly spend the entire night getting sick from both ends on her sheets and mine.  I think she had 4 baths in a 24 hour period.  (She was on the B.R.A.T. diet for the next day. Bananas Rice Applesauce Toast- which did the trick.)  Despite the messiness and the array of evidence my children left everywhere in Amy's house, there were magical times too- like laughing with my sister in the same laugh, and enjoying the fact that we have both had babies now and get to talk about all the things that go along with that.  I loved watching how much Jesse loves his cousin Molly.  He even told us once while he was pushing her in Micah's too-small-for-her swing, "Don't you love on her- that's my sweet girl!"  Jesse, you are the most awesome 4 year old I know.

He shared his costumes and art studio and "ginger-affe pool" with Josiah.

Those teeth are a pacifier.  ha!

I love being with my sister.  And all hardships aside, the trip was definitely worth it just for being able to see her being a mommy to the two beautiful boys God has blessed her with.

After SC, we took a 6 hour jaunt to Virginia.  One of Justin and my favorite things to do is to find a great deal on a hotel through Priceline.com, and then once we get to the hotel and find all the travel brochures in the lobby, we decide what to do.  Even though we were in Williamsburg/Bush Gardens/Jamestown/Yorktown area, none of those places would work due to the blistering heat/rain/grumpy children.  We ended up going to the Virginia Living Museum, which was perfect for Molly and Josiah.  It is filled with aquariums, and a boardwalk outside to view indigenous animals in the area.  It even has a huge animatronic dinosaur display.  The kids probably would have enjoyed it more if they were a few years older, but the air conditioning was nice, they were too young to need a ticket, and Josiah enjoyed the exploration and Daddy time.

After Williamsburg, we took a little detour on the way home to visit the family that Justin stayed with a few months ago when he went to Liberty University for a week long intensive master's class.  The Conner's just remodeled their basement with a guest suite, which is more like a 5-star hotel than a room in someone's home.  After a few days of an air mattress at Amy's, and 2 nights in a hotel, being somewhere homey and comfortable was divine.  It was nice to have a home-cooked meal and fellowship with such an amazing family.  (Thank you Conner's!)  :o)  I shamefully have no pictures because I was too busy corralling my littles.

The next morning we did a little walking tour of the university which is huge and beautiful, and I got to meet Justin's professor that he had a little while ago.  She told us how excited she was to meet me and the kids, and how she would be praying for Josiah and our family.  (I am always so amazed to see how many people care about our family all over the country- and even the world- and are willing to approach the Throne on our behalf.)

The car ride home took another 6 hours with minimal stops due to (for the most part) un-cranky children.  I was thankful.

After a brutally exhausting/wonderfully fun week and 33.5 hour car ride, here is what I've learned:

1- Justin and I make a good team.  He packed, loaded, unpacked, reloaded, drove, repacked, and repeated countless times.  I took care of kids and made sure they were fed and comfortable and dry and occupied.  That doesn't come close to 50-50.  More like 20-80.  Justin is my hero.

2- When in a restaurant with 2 screaming children, people will stare.  I've learned to read their array of looks.  It's usually either "Why can't you control your children?!" or "We've been there, and I'm glad I'm not you right now." or "The tip you're about to leave me will not even come close to compensating me for having to clean the floor, which has most of their food on it." or "Look at those adorable children!"  I like the last one.  We got that one a lot.  Molly and Josiah know how to turn their shine on, wave, and blow kisses on command.  They also know how to try to out-scream each other in a pitch so loud it reminds me of this:



3- I love books on CD on long road trips.  Justin and I knew this before hand, but in a moment of weakness thanks to a cranky Josiah at the library, Justin agreed to get Twilight, which I have been adbmately against because really? vampires and werewolfs?  Lame.  But after listening to my sisters rave about it for over a year, I thought it was worth the try.  Justin was a trooper about it.  There were only a minimal amount of eye rolls, sighs, and "I feel like I'm at basketball practice and listening to teenage girls."  (He coaches the girls varsity team.)  After listening for 3 hours and the lady not reading fast enough, I bought the first 2 books and devoured them in 4 days.  I know I'm super late jumping on the Twilight bandwagon, but man, am I hooked!

4- As hard as it is to get out of the house with 2 kids as little as they are, I need to do it more for my own sanity.  I miss people.  I miss going places.  I miss learning, and doing things that are not mom-related.  More news about this to come...

5- After seeing Micah, it reminds me I don't have babies anymore!  I have 2 toddlers.  This makes me happy and sad all at once knowing how fast the time has gone since they were little and helpless.

6-  I love home.  I love how squishy the carpet is under bare feet, and my comfy bed, and baby gates, and food to eat when I need it.  I love being able to smell home when you first walk in the door after being gone so long.

7- And I love my family.  As hard as it is to be with children who are unhappy and uncomfortable and cranky, it is infinitely harder to be on vacation as a family of 2 when you are so ready to be a family of 3.  I couldn't imagine 2 years ago, we would be this blessed to have a family of 4.

8- God's provision astounds me.  In the midst of difficult times, He is ever so close.  He keeps my family safe and whole and together.


I am thankful.    

                                        

Chapter 36: Bonding Evaluation #2

Our scheduled appointment was at 12:00, and in usual DYFS fashion, we were misinformed and our actual appointment was at 1:30.  We got to the big scary DYFS office building at 11:45, signed the clipboard to document our arrival time, and waited patiently.  Josiah did not.  I had put him down for a nap in the morning, and I don't think he actually slept.  I could sense the impending melt-down of a non-napped 17 month old.  I was praying they could take us quickly, and finally when Josiah's brother and grand parents were finished with their evaluation, the psychologist was able to see us at 12:30.

During the 45 minutes we waited, Josiah explored the hallway of mirrored ceilings and walls and waved and blew kisses at passers-by.  He was a hit.  I was a beaming proud mama.  We also saw Josiah's aunt pull in the parking lot around 12:15.  I texted her yesterday to tell that we were on at 12:00 and she was scheduled for 1:00.  I was glad they called us in before she came into the building.  I was not in the mood for chit-chatting.    

At 12:30 the psychologist comes into the waiting area to greet us.  She is wearing open-toed shinny black sandals that click on the dull tile floor, a black and white polka dot dress, and a string of pearls.  She has a round face and a half-gray, half-blond hair, well styled in a bob, and her face has well worn smile wrinkles.  She has a laptop set up at the end of a long table and invites us to sit down.   She explains the purpose the evaluation in a professional tone, pointing to each section of a contract with the back of her pen as she reads it.  She tells us that the evaluation will last an hour and half and that all the information she will gather today can be used in court.   

  We each sign and date the paperwork and the barrage of questions start. What a difference between a state psychologist and one that is from private practice!  I feel she is there to get a true picture of who we are and why we are foster parents.  She cares to know about Josiah’s relationship with Molly and with his biological family.  She asks about his development, how he behaves when he comes home from visitation, and about his daily routine.

She asks us about ourselves- what we do for a living, why we chose to foster, and why we want to adopt Josiah.  She figures out our ages and after asking our birthdays.  She has raised eyebrows, making it appear uncommon for people of our age to be in this situation.  She asks us about our history together.  We tell her that we’ve been dating since 9th grade.  I make the usual joke, “After seven and a half years of dating, I was too tired to have to break-in another boy, so I just married this one.”  I roll my eyes jokingly and point over my shoulder with my thumb to Justin who is playing blocks with Josiah on the floor.  And Justin chimes in, “I always tell my 9th grade Bible guys that I teach, ‘The only talent I have is picking a good wife.’ I married up.”

By golly, we are charming.   

After she is satisfied with the overall picture she has gathered, I go sit with Josiah and Justin on the floor.  We read books, sing songs, show off all our animal sounds.  She rarely looks up from her laptop.  I try to ignore the click-click-clicking of her typing.  I can only imagine she is recording everything we do and say. 

Josiah starts getting extremely cranky.  I look up at the clock and it is 1:00.  I chuckle to myself and regret asking for prayer in my last post for a “not happy kid at 1:00.”  Serves me right. I explain how over-due he was for his nap.  The doctor frowns and furrows her eyebrows sympathetically.  Josiah gets extremely clingy and pathetic.  The doctor asks Justin and me to leave the room for a minute and sit out the waiting room.  The instant the door closes behind us, Josiah starts crying.  Awesome.  She opens the door, he runs to us, I scoop him up, and he stops crying.  (Did you see that, doctor lady?)

We go back into the room and she tells us that we are finished.  I ask her if we’ll get to know the results of her findings.  She says, “I can’t tell you how the judge will rule in the case.  It’s a possibility that Talen (aka Josiah) may go back to his family because he is so young, but if he does, you have given him such a wonderful foundation.  You are outstanding parents.  If the judge does rule for him to be taken away from you, its not because anything you have or haven’t done.  Its obvious he is in a wonderful, loving home.” 

That wasn’t the “I’m going to tell the judge he should stay” answer that I wanted to hear, but I thank her and smile and tell her what a pleasure it was to meet her.

The doctor leaves for a minute and says, “I don’t know where his great-aunt is.  She was scheduled after you.  Is it possible for you to stay in the area until she arrives?”  We tell the doctor we saw her in the parking lot before the evaluation and we weren’t sure where she went.   

Justin gives her his cell phone number.  We pack the car up with one cranky boy.  Josiah sinks deep into his car seat and puts his hands behind his head to try to relax himself.   My nerves subside a little and I realize how hungry I am.  We drive five minutes away and get a bite to eat at McDonalds.  I take slow bites as we sit in the parking lot and I try to analyze what we said, the tone we said it in, if I would have changed anything.  Justin quickly tells me the futility of the conversation and I agree.  It’s over.  I can’t change anything now.

After killing an hour, we had back to the office building and find a spot in the shade.  I take Josiah out of his car seat and fashion a make-shift bed in the backseat with a little pillow.  Justin goes into the office to see if they had heard from Josiah’s great aunt.  They didn’t. 

We tried to figure out what may have happened.  She WAS here.  Had Fred told her they were running late?  Even so, she should be here by now.  We wait another 30 minutes and I tell Justin we need to go home for Molly’s sake.  It was now 2:45.  I go into the office and apologize that we can’t wait any longer.  They apologize also for the inconvenience and the confusion with the times we were scheduled.
 

I wonder what the judge is going to say when she hears the woman who wants Josiah so badly didn’t show up for a court appointed bonding evaluation.  I guess we’ll find out in October!  

Prayers appreciated once again...

Our second bonding evaluation is coming up tomorrow at 12:00.  Please pray for a happy little boy at 12:00 and a not happy boy at 1:00.  Is that mean?  Maybe.

Right after our bonding evaluation, we are going on a 12 hour trek through the night to South Carolina to visit my sister, her husband, and my two adorable little nephews!

So please pray for traveling mercies and for two happy, peaceful, sleeping children on our way there.   

 I'm not sure when I'll be able to post the results of the evaluation, so to tide you over until I can post again, here's a little adorableness I'd like to share.


*please excuse the birthday bib and messy house.  ;o)

Thank you again for praying for our family.  It means more than you'll ever know!

Psalm Twenty Eight: Carry Me

"Praise be the LORD for He has heard my cry for mercy. 
 The LORD is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him and I am helped.  
My heart leaps for joy and I will give thanks to Him in song.  
The LORD is the strength of his people, a fortress of salvation for his anointed one.  Save your people and bless your inheritance.  
Be their shepherd and carry them forever."  
v. 6-9


God, thank you for saving me and hearing and answering me.  You give me strength and protect me from circumstances that only You know.  I can trust you with my future and it comforts me to know that You are in control.  I will praise You in song whether I feel like it or not- because you ask me to.


Please, God, strengthen me and bless me.  Carry me when I know I can not walk on my own.

I illustrated this Psalm over a year ago, and on the bottom of the entry I wrote:
Today I found out from our caseworker that we would definitely be losing Josiah, most likely in a matter of weeks.  I am crushed, but this Psalm comforted me.

HA!  If I thought I was attached to him then, I don't think I could have imagined how I would feel a year later.  I am thankful God is still a comforter and protector.

I drew a picture of a shepherd carrying a lamb over his shoulders, his head in the shape of a shield for protection, and his arms showing his strength and competence.  The jagged rocks behind them represent impending danger; the smooth road that the shepherd is walking on is well-worn and sure.  It reminds me of the parable of the lost lamb when the shepherd leaves his flock of 99 to find the one and bring him home.  (Luke 15).  In the time of nomadic shepherding, if a lamb repeatedly wandered away, the shepherd would break its leg and carry him around on his shoulders until it was healed.  This may sound cruel, but when the lamb was able to walk on its own, it was never more than a few steps away from the man who nurtured him back to health.  What a picture of what God has to do to us sometimes before we learn to depend on him!

Have you ever thought that parable was a little silly?  I mean, it doesn't make much economic sense- its only one sheep.  Why risk losing the rest to find just one?  But if you know the temperament of sheep, it is imperative to the health of the flock that the lamb was found.  When growing up on a sheep farm, I always knew when a sheep got out of the pen.  One look at the pasture, and I knew something was wrong.  The animals were in a complete state of havoc and chaos when one was missing; they couldn't function normally when they weren't all together.

I'm glad God cares about our wholeness, not just for our sake, but for the sake of others within our sphere of influence.          

Chapter 35: Bonding Evaluation #1

The extent of Josiah's attachment to us is evaluated twice by two different psychologists:  one for the Defense (the parents' side which is hoping to give custody of Josiah to Brenda, his great-aunt) and one for the state (DYFS, who I believe wants us to get custody???).  I can't even tell anymore.  Today we had the evaluation with the defense's psychologist.  Next Wednesday, we are seeing the other.  

It was a whirlwind of a day.  We were scheduled to have our evaluation at 4:00, but we had to get there by 2:00 for Josiah to be evaluated by his parents.  We got a call at 10:30 or so from Josiah's law guardian saying that they never got in touch with Josiah's parents and they did not know if they were coming.  So...there was a slight possibility that they could see us earlier.  At 12:30 I got another call from the law guardian saying that the doctor could see us in 45 minutes.  *panic attack*  Josiah was still napping and the place was half an hour away and he still hadn't eaten his lunch.

I jumped into "make it work mode," made a quick grilled cheese sandwich, packed up some cantaloupe and crackers, a few toys and books, and quickly ran up to Josiah's bedroom to rouse him.  When I went to get him, he was already standing in his crib, bright-eyed and giggly saying, "Amen?  Amen?"  aka "Time to say grace so I can eat."  Happy kid: answer to prayer #1.  

We packed up the car and high-tailed it into the office.  We climbed the stairs to the second floor.  Just as we reached the door to the office, we heard Josiah's brother, grandparents, and Brenda come into the building on the floor below.  (I guess that they called them early in as well.)  We found the right office suite, gave our name to the secretary, and we waited for the doctor.  I'm pretty sure I was only slightly hyperventilating when the doctor came to greet us.  We shook hands and he told us to find a seat amongst the six or so rolly desk chairs that were scattered around a small office room with an overly large oval desk in the middle.  We found a seat, and I got Josiah's juice cup out that he hadn't finished from lunch yet.  

He told us the purpose of the meeting was just to observe us with Josiah and for us to interact as natural and normal with him like we usually do when we're home.  The defense is trying to determine if it would be detrimental to Josiah if they were to remove him from our home at this point.  (Yes- I could have answered that for him.)  He asked us a few questions, answers being:  

from birth- right from the hospital, four days old.  

almost 17 months now.

Yes, sir, all of his developmental milestones.

Yes, an 11 month old little girl, Molly.  They are best buddies. 

and He has seen his aunt regularly since February.  

His response was "I need to rule out that he isn't bonded to anyone else who has only seen him half a dozen times and think they have a relationship as strong as yours."  I like this guy's tone and where this is going.  Answer to prayer #2.  

Justin and I stand up, roll the chairs out to the far corners of the room, and get on the floor with our "Little Man", "Buddy," "Cutie," "Sir," and by accident three times "Josiah."  (I know we should have called him by his given name, but I just can't bring myself to do it.)  Josiah is an absolute DOLL, despite his poor night's sleep the night before and wacky nap and eating schedule.  We play with the bouncy ball that I packed.  He rolls the ball across the desk where the doctor is sitting, trying to involve him in our little game.  The man chuckles, rolls the ball back, and tries not make eye contact.  (Yeah, he's adorable. You can just go ahead and say it. We already know.) Justin and I are deliberate about referring to ourselves as "Mama" and "Dada" as we read his favorite books, show off every single one of the animal sounds he knows (13 in all.), sing our favorite songs (Itsy Bitsy Spider, Wheels on the Bus, and what Josiah calls "Ba ba ba" (our Sweet Molly Grace song).  He eats a few crackers while sitting on my lap, hands propped behind his curly head of hair.  Every so often he clasps his hands together and says "More, more" in sign language.  And we play "put-it-in" and "take-it-out of the bag" with toys and books about a dozen times until I think the man got bored of watching us.  He says that it was now Brenda's turn.  I couldn't believe how quickly forty minutes had passed.  I was having too much fun to be nervous.  Answer to prayer #3.  

The doctor asks if we wanted Brenda to come back to the room, or if we wanted to take him out to her.  We opt for the latter, just so I can have an extra 20 seconds with him in my arms.  I want Brenda to see how much he loves us, even though she already knows and chooses to ignore it.  I ask if we should leave his diapers and toys in the room and the doctor replies, "If they don't bring diapers and things for him to do, that tells me a lot about the seriousness they have in taking care of him."  As we walk out of the office, I see she only has a small stuffed animal (which I know he will have no interest in) and a bag full of goldfish (*stink* she knows that crackers are his kryptonite).  No diapers.  Awesome.  

The doctor tells us that we won't hear any results until the next court date- October 4th.  Just wonderful.  I love to wait.  I tell him how painless this has been and how much I enjoyed just spending the time with our sweet boy.  Then he says, "Well, he's been with you since birth, and he acts like it."  He gets it.  Answer to prayer #4. 

The 45 minutes we spent waiting for Josiah to be done with Brenda were agonizing.  After the stress of feeding him, getting him all ready, and trying to find the office as quickly as possible, I finally had a quiet moment in the car to let my nerves bubble up.  Justin and I talk about how it couldn't have gone any better and how adorable and sweet our Josiah was.  I say a quick prayer hoping that he is being awful for Brenda, and then quickly recant after I realize how much I just want Josiah to be happy and comfortable.  I love that kid.    

After forty minutes or so, we go back up to the office to pick up our Josiah.  Brenda puts him down and he runs to us with a big grin, his chubby cheeks bouncing up and down with every step.  I was mad the doctor turned his back before he could see that.  We politely chit-chat with Josiah's family about plans for him spending time with his grandparents again on Saturday.  They take the elevator.  We scurry down the steps to avoid any more awkward conversation.    

I have no idea about how things went with Brenda, nor do I think I will know until October.  I don't think I want to know if things went well.  I want to imagine that things were awful, that he tore the room apart out of boredom, and that she could only control him by shoveling fistfuls of goldfish down his throat.

I'm glad that today is over.  I feel a sense that God is in control and that I am not.  

But just in case I am- even just a little- I dressed us in matching blue shirts and khaki pants.  I figured, the subliminal message of "Hey look, doctor man, we go together" couldn't hurt.  :o)  

God is awesome, and you partnered with us today in prayer so that we could see that, feel that, and know that.  I thank you.  

  

Psalm Ten... Again

A while back, I posted a giveaway for a drawing of a Psalm.  The winner of the giveaway was Gina Saccone, and she chose Psalm 10: God Protects, God Provides.

I took the idea of the sketch, and this was the final product.  I changed the composition around so your eye focuses on the precious objects that the hands are holding.  In this case, I knew Gina has two daughters, so I drew two birds.  

This is the image I am filling my mind with today as I march into the battle God has called us to.  Knowing my children are safe in the palm of their Heavenly Father is far better than any home that I could make for them myself.  

"He lies in wait like a lion in cover, he lies in wait to catch the helpless and drags them off in his net." v. 7 

"The LORD is king forever and ever, the nations will perish from his land. You hear, o LORD the desire of the afflicted. You encourage them, and listen to their cry, defending the fatherless and the oppressed in order that man, who is of the earth, may terrify no more." v. 16-18

Thank you so much to everyone who has encouraged me and continues to lift us up in prayer today.  :o)  

Chapter 34: Time to climb into the wheelbarrow

I love my church.  Despite it being a half an hour away and in what you non-Jersians call a "shore town," Calvary Chapel Ocean City is awesome.  We have three services on Sunday mornings which, in the off- season, accommodate probably 600-700 people on any given Sunday.  In the summer, however, with both overflow rooms packed to beyond fire-hazard capacity and sometimes people even sitting on the stage, the congregation can reach at least 1000, which does not include kids in the children's ministry.  The middle service at 9:45 is the most packed, and if you don't get there at least 15 minutes before the service, you're not going to be able to sit in the sanctuary.  I'm not a huge-crowd-loving person, but unfortunately, the middle service is the only one we can attend because it is the only time slot that doesn't require feeding or naps for the babies.

So that being said, the summer is not the season to dedicate babies, being that it brings in usually an extra 25 people that we don't have the room for.  And even if there WAS a dedication, it would most likely be at the 8:00 or 11:30 service.  I haven't seen a dedication probably since January-maybe.  But hey- guess what happened last Sunday at the 9:45 service?!

I'm sure God appreciates when I roll my eyes at Him.

I was really hoping to get away from this issue.  Looks likes its not going to happen any time soon.  I can't exactly say it felt like there were butterflies in my stomach during the entire service.  Did you ever have one of those rock polishers as a kid- the kind where you put jagged rocks and sand in and then let it run and tumble for days and days and days until the rocks come out all shiny and polished?  Yeah- it felt like it was one of those in my belly.

And then came the real kicker.

The sermon was about Saul on the road to Damascus and how God uses our circumstances around us to get our attention.  My pastor's main point was this: Loving God and Trusting God are vastly different levels of spiritual maturity.  And then he asked, "What areas in your life is God calling you to trust Him?  What areas are you holding back from God because you want to control them?  Do you love God, or do you really trust God...because they are not the same thing."

He used an illustration about a man called "The Great Blondin."  The Great Blondin was the first man to ever cross Niagara Falls on a tight rope.  He could cross the tightrope blindfolded, he crossed it at night in the dark, he crossed it while juggling bowling balls, and even with a wheelbarrow full of bricks.

After the crowds stood in awe watching him achieve the unthinkable time and time again, Blondin looked at a little boy in the crowd and said, "Do you think I can cross the tightrope with the wheelbarrow again?"

"Of course, you can!"  the little boy exclaimed.
 "Are you sure?" Blondin asked.
"You're the Great Blondin," the little boy said, "I've seen you do it over and over again.  I'm certain you can cross with the wheelbarrow as many times as you want!"
"If you truly believe that,"  Blondin asked, "then will you climb inside the wheelbarrow?"

Believing and trusting are two very different things.

I hate when God makes me uncomfortable.  And I love it all at the same time, because it shows me that He loves me enough to not leave me unchanged.

There is no greater time for trusting God than now.  I just received the call from DYFS confirming our first bonding evaluation for tomorrow.  I am rock-polisher-uncomfortable and can't-sit-still-nervous.  I've begged and pleaded with God for Josiah to stay, and so far He has worked a countless number of times slowing things down so that my prayer has been answered.  But this is the first time that I feel I will have something to do with changing the outcome.  I think God is asking me to trust Him now, so that HE will get the glory for the result, not me.

So what does trusting God with the lives of my children look like?  Because what it looks like to me now is saying that whatever happens from here on out I'm going to be peachy-keen with the outcome.  It means putting on a happy face when I don't get what I want, shrugging, and saying, "Oh well.  God must not have wanted what I wanted."  And I don't know, in the end, that I will be okay with that.  But... I want to WANT to be okay with whatever God has for my children.  Does that make any sense at all?

So here's my plan.  I'm just going to be honest with God.  I'm going to tell Him how hard it is to surrender control.  I'm going to tell Him that my children are His anyway and that I have no claim to them.  And I'm going to ask Him to help me be okay with whatever He has called them to.

Tomorrow I'm going to be praying that prayer dozens of times before we go for the evaluation.  Maybe I'll get to the point where I only have to pray it once a day after I start believing what I'm saying is true.

Will you please join your heart in prayer with mine and ask for God's will to be done in Josiah's life tomorrow?  Will you also pray that Justin and I will be at peace with whatever the outcome is?

2:00 through 5:00 tomorow.  That's when it is. (Justin and my evaluation is at 4:00 and other family members' evaluations are before that.)

Bible verses, people, that's what I need.  I need a good healthy dose of truth to combat some of these awful feelings of doubt and hopelessness and impending sorrow.  Please, please leave a comment and share some.  I would really appreciate it.