The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly of Christmas

Every other year it's my parents' turn to get my sisters and their husbands and now their grandkids for Christmas...(the in-laws flip-flop Thanksgivings and Christmases with them).   Lucky for my parents, they get us every holiday because we live so close.  This was the wonderful year that everyone comes to the lovely place that is South Jersey to convene for a multi-day feeding fest, mass chaos, and endless cookie baking and eating.  Every year I feel meal time gets closer to the pizza scene in Home Alone.

I will try to curb the obnoxiousness of over picture sharing, although the overall cuteness is bumped up twenty notches with cousins thrown into the mix now.  Plus, I got a new camera (a Canon Rebel xs) and now that I don't have shutter delay, it is so much easier to capture the memories that I want- and not the memory 4 seconds after I want like with the point-and-shoot.  Eh...  you can deal, right?

First, I will introduce you to my family so you can enjoy the pictures more.

 This is my younger sister, Robin and her husband, Jason, and Santa...but we'll get to him later.  They live in Massachusetts while Jason is in seminary, although they are anxious to get back to what we all refer to the "Promised Land" (aka South Jersey.)  

 This is the baby bump that is Judah who is due to arrive in early April.  

This is my older sister, Amy and 5 month old Micah.  They live in South Carolina with...

         

 my brother-in-law Jared, who hates pictues, but loves his two sons-  four year old Jesse who was officially adopted from the foster care system this past November, and Micah.

 This is my brother Gregg, who I don't think owns a shirt that he hasn't cut up to show off his manly physique. :o) (And Micah again....EVERYONE likes to hold him.)  

  Then, there's my dad who loves to tell stories.  

 And my mom who Jesse named "Little Gramby."  My mom makes a lot of jam, so sometimes he calls her "Little Jamby."

Ok...now enjoy the overall jubilation and adorableness....

Jesse the Pirate.  Note the candy cane earrings and guns tucked into the pajamas.  

And what makes Christmas better and even MORE fun when you have to dress toddlers and a baby?  That's right...costumes!  

And yes, that is in fact a leg lamp.  

Cookies for Santa.  

And then Jason and Robin got Jesse and santa costume so he could be cool like Pop-Pop.  

He loved it.  And we loved him in it.  

And then...we were all matchers for Christmas- Everyone had matching jammies, although the boys didn't want to pose for a picture.  

My dad made the kids a pirate ship.  

After all the presents were open, the real fun began.  

And we had to be very vigilant so Molly and Josiah didn't destroy the tree like they did at our house.  (Gramby and Pop-Pop's tree wasn't in a playpen.)

It was a very, very, very fun morning.  Couldn't have been any better...

And then came the afternoon.  You know...I don't think I want to ruin this lovely post with the ugliness that was Christmas afternoon.  I'll leave you with the warm fuzzies and tell you about the unfortunate events later.    

I hope you had a wonderful Christmas and could enjoy it being surrounded by the people that you love!    

A few thoughts on Christmas

It is 6:00 Christmas morning and I can't sleep.  I've been tossing for an hour.  I'm not anxious for gifts or even watching my children open presents.  My family is still probably sleeping 2 houses away from me right now.  And although I can't wait to get in the car and see them and watch my nephew squeal with delight once he realizes that Santa did in fact come last night, that's not why I can't sleep.

Every year, as I'm sure you do, I pray that Christmas will be "different" -that God will somehow reveal something new to me in a story I have heard dozens of times that I can probably recite verbatim from the gospel of Luke.  I've been caught up like everyone has in the busyness of the season- trying to decorate the house and get just the right presents for everyone, sending out cards, and still trying to find some semblance of time to prepare my heart and mind for the truth of Christmas.  But this year is different, because in the midst of the busyness and morning sickness and tiredness I am forced to face the bitter truth that next Christmas will be different than this one.  Next Christmas, I won't get to wake my son up and open his stocking and presents with him.  I won't get to give him Christmas cookies or watch him rip off ornaments and lights from the tree like I did this year. :o)  He won't be here next year; I have chosen to give him away and to live a life without him.

Turns out, friends, I have learned more about Christmas from this one little boy than a lifetime of candlelight services and carols.  I have felt the searing pain of thinking about losing him, and that truth has made Christmas more new and real and glorious than it has ever seemed before.

God gave His only Son.

It is truth that I live my life by.  Yet, is easy let the words wash over me and forget what they really mean.  I love the story of Christmas- light breaking forth from a star and angels singing praises and imagining the shepherds being afraid and finding Jesus in a manger...  but for the first time, I let my mind wander to what the Father was thinking and feeling days before the miracle happened.  I don't mean to be blasphemous, but do you think it was a decision He struggled over?  Do you think He was counting down the years and months and days until He was going to have to be in Heaven without His Son?  I imagine the conversation they had.

I imagine God saying, "I wish I was the one going.  It would be easier to go through a human life myself than watching you have to go through all the pain and suffering and rejection that you're about to have to go through."

And then Jesus would say, "No, I think it is the best way.  It is far greater sacrifice to give Your son than to give Your own life.  You have made them fathers and mothers so they would understand how much they love their children.  And once they realize how much You love me, your only Son, they will realize the sacrifice You are giving to them.  It's the only way they will truly understand how much You love them."

I can imagine the first Christmas being difficult for the Father.  I know that Jesus and God could communicate when he was on the earth, but it had to be agonizing for God to watch his Son experience cold and hunger and pain and rejection- all on the first night of his birth.  While the heavenly host were praising God for His sacrifice, do you think the angels comforted the Father by letting Him know He made the right decision?  Can you imagine His loneliness, Him looking to his right hand and feeling the void of His son's physical absence?  Do you think He wished that He could skip over years of watching Jesus roam the earth and just have him back in Heaven?

I know I'm humanizing God too much.  I know He understood what He was doing and that all He did was motivated by His love for us.  But for the first time this Christmas, I appreciate the sacrifice so much more than I ever have before.  I am amazed that God would love me that much to give His Son so I could live forever with Him.  That kind of love should change me, and this Christmas, I feel like it has.

Red Tape

Justin called our case worker yesterday to see where we stand in getting Josiah into a permanent placement with his family.  I have been feeling better about the decision, knowing that it is what is best for Josiah and our family.

Some people have asked how I was doing and it comes down to letting the truth of this sink in... the judge that we are dealing with has always been in favor of reuniting foster children with biological families....even in cases where children should clearly stay with foster parents.  We have seen this sad outcome happen to a few families that we know that foster.  The judge doesn't even consider bonding evaluations sometimes- she will give the bio family opportunity after opportunity for reunification.  So, the chances of us actually getting to adopt Josiah when there is a capable biological family member who has his brother?  Very improbable.  When it was just a great-aunt wanting custody, we had a shot, but now that the grandfather has stepped up, the outcome is pretty predictable.  The question isn't "if" Josiah will be taken from our home, it's "when".  We are now eager try speed that inevitable process up and get him into his forever home for his sake.

Our case worker sees our perspective and agrees that it is what's best for Josiah.  However, yesterday she told us that she is meeting nothing but resistance from a number of people.  She has alluded to the fact that some of her supervisors believe that we have been bullied into the decision that we have come to.  (Which, I guess if we're being honest, there is truth to that statement.)  She says that DYFS says she is rushing things and they want to wait until the next court date until anything is decided.  That is in March.

March, people.

I feel emotionally drained.  I finally feel like we came to a good and right decision.  And again, God shows us that our timing is not His timing.  I only pray that when the time comes for the inevitable we will still be in the same place emotionally that we are now.

The case worker is still proactive in trying to move him.  She's a feisty one and doesn't care if she ruffles feathers.  I really like her.

I am reminded of this verse:

"In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps."  Prov. 16:9

A quick thought and a thank you

I just wanted to share that God has given me such a peace about Josiah the past couple of days, and it is a testament to answered prayer.  I thank you so much for all of your kind thoughts and prayers on behalf of my family.  There will be a time to mourn our loss, but God has revealed that time has not come yet.  And I know that God will bless us and equip us with everything we need to glorify Him in every circumstances- even the hardest ones.

I am enjoying the preparations for Christmas... as difficult as two toddlers are making it this year.

This is after I learned my lesson... (Molly can't figure out why she can't put that ornament on the tree.)  

I'm happy to report that Josiah will be staying with us for our celebrations on Christmas morning and not going to his grandfather's until 12:00.  I'm so excited that both of my sisters and their families are coming to New Jersey this year!  There is so much to be thankful for.  

Details of the Decision

I never ever ever thought things would end this way.  I imagined finality coming from the court room- either a cry of celebration or tears of defeat with a single word from the judge.  I was willing to fight long and hard and haggle for more time with my sweet boy, whatever it took to extract more time together with him.  We were "winning."  Every court hearing, every evaluation, every time we spoke to DYFS, we were the family chosen in their favor.  They wanted him to stay.  I wasn't going to argue with them.  


But the realization from last week gave us this insight.  Things were going to end one of two ways:  


1- After possibly years of court hearings, more evaluations, dozens more visitations with crazy parents, and overnight weekend visits with the grandparents, the judge would be in our favor and we would get to keep him.  Josiah would be around 4 years old, and would start to understand who all of these people were.  He would grow to tolerate maybe even love his grandparents.  But seeing what they planned on saying to him, we knew that we would have to cut ties with his family.  We couldn't have them indoctrinating him with "this is your REAL family who loves you, who you can't live with.  This is your REAL brother who your 'parents' aren't allowing you to see."  Things would get so ugly and uncomfortable and be painful for all parties involved until permanency came.  It would be a long hard road, but one I was willing to take.  


or 2- After years of court hearings, more evaluations, dozens more visitations with crazy parents, and overnight weekend visits with the grandparents, the judge would be in favor of the grandparents, and I would have to explain to a four year old that he was going to live with his brother.  I would have to explain to a four year old Molly that practically her "twin" brother wasn't going to be here brother anymore.  The transition would be so painful for everyone of us- most of all for Josiah.  Things would get so ugly between the grandparents that they would be even more bitter than they are now; they would hate us for keeping him for so long when we could have relinquished our desire to keep him long ago before more damage was done.    


One reason that we got into foster care was to give a loving home to a child who needs one. 


It had been revealed to us that Josiah wasn't a child who needed a loving home.  He had one waiting for him- a home that had his biological brother and two grandparents who loved him so much whose sole desire was to keep their family whole.  I don't have to worry how most foster parents do when returning a child back to biological family.  These aren't people who are going to relapse into drug use.  This isn't a home that is unsafe.  And unlike if he would be going to his great-aunt, there would be a male influence in his life.  

If it were just me and Josiah, I would be on a plane to Panama as we speak, but there are so many people that I love that I need to consider.  


Justin- I have watched over the past few months how the situation has been making him weary.  He is the one that deals with the grandfather's calls, and he would get a knot in his stomach every time his number would come up on his phone.  The man has a lot on his plate:  he's coaching basketball, dealing with discipline issues at school, taking master's classes online, teaching, and with what energy he has left he is pouring into the lives of two energetic toddlers- not to mention dealing with a weary and somewhat demanding wife right now.  He has lost 45 pounds in the past 4 months because he tells me, "It is the one thing he can control."  If that's not a red flag, I don't know what is.  


Molly- I love my little girl, and I don't want to see her in pain.  If there is any way I can prevent the pain of losing a brother, I want to do that for her. She is so special and so loved, and I can't imagine spending years of time agonizing over whether or not we are losing Josiah.  I don't want to lose time with her either.  


Josiah's family- As hard as it is to admit, I want what is best for Josiah's family too.  I know I say I want to cut ties with them if we were to adopt him, but with how passionate and stubborn Josiah's grandfather is, things would not be over until he would win.  Do I want to make him spend thousands of dollars in lawyer fees, wasting savings that could go to future college funds for the boys? (I know, speculation....its just a thought.)  And while Josiah would have other siblings, David wouldn't.  I don't want to take away David's brother from him.  


Josiah- Watching him leave every other weekend and for visitation (when the parents show up) is absolute torture.  Watching him cry and flail and beg for me to hold him is agony. It reminds me of the two women fighting over the baby in front of King Solomon.  As painful as the decision is, I would rather not have my baby at all than watch him live a life where he is constantly being fought over and torn in two.  


and then.... there's this one....

I wasn't going to say anything until the oh-so-scary first trimester was over, but since the news has played a part in our decision I feel it is only right to share.  I am currently 10 weeks pregnant- feeling awful and tired and sick and hating food and things that smell.  The stress of Josiah has only added to anxiety, and anxiety hasn't been good for me, let alone the pregnancy.  Please don't think that I am okay with losing Josiah because I have another baby on the way.  I am not replacing him.  But I worry if I can be a good mom to three babies under 2 and a half years old.  I know I could do it.  But could I do it well? I don't know.  

Justin was the first of us who came up with the decision to try to get Josiah to his grandfather's as soon as possible.  I fought kicking and screaming.  I don't want to lose my son.  I felt like we have been fighting so long and so hard and to give up now seemed like all we had gone through had been for nothing.  I can't imagine my life without Josiah, and I don't want to.  The past few days have been exhausting and filled with more tears than I've shed in a long time.  But when all is said and done, I can fully trust that Justin as the spiritual leader of our home can decide what is God's best is for our family. It came down to a lesson in submission.  My head knows what is right, but my heart doesn't.  And when they aren't in agreement, I can trust that Justin is seeking God's will, and I need to agree with him.  

I have a lot more to write, but I feel that's all I can process right now.  I feel bruised and broken and defeated.  I know that this is the right decision, but every time I look at Josiah, I think about all the things I will never get to do with him.  Lots of more tears will be shed, but I hope that there will be more happy memories made within the next few weeks than sad ones.