Click Click Click

God has put some amazing people in my life, one of which happens to be one of my sister's friends.  My sister, Robin, met Hannah at Wheaton College, and now Hannah lives in Philadelphia with her husband Josh.  Hannah is working on developing her portfolio as a professional photographer, and she asked if I would like some photos taken of my children.  Ummmm...yes?  No brainer- especially since I am the "family photographer," and I RARELY actually get to be in pictures with my children.


Here is Hannah's blog with pictures of my littles. Thank you, Hannah! You are awesome!


And speaking of awesome, my other sister, Amy, who lives in South Carolina, has had a new addition to her family.  This isn't your regular "someone had a baby...whatever" kind of news.  This is a "God is awesome and performs miracles" kind of news.  Amy and I both share the same rare genetic condition that greatly limits the chances of carrying a baby to full term.  After she was told that she had this abnormality,  and after going through fertility treatments for years to no avail, Amy and her husband, Jared, adopted an amazing little boy, Jesse, from the foster care system.  And low and behold...Amy got pregnant shortly thereafter on her own!  (Don't "they" say that always happens?)  Amy had a very difficult pregnancy.  She went into labor at 24 weeks, and thanks to very strict bedrest and medication and lots of prayer, Micah Own Plew was born at 37 weeks, healthy and developed.  He has a little clubbed foot (as you'll be able to see) that doctors needed to put a cast on, but compared to the slew of issues that could have happened if he were to come into the world so early, the complications are minimal.

Amy's friend, Jordan, did a photoshoot with her family, and I wanted to share those pictures with you as well.


Now Amy and I both have a "J" and an "M."   :o)  Enjoy!

Chapter 33: Issues

It's been a little while since I've had a soul-searching entry because...

1- I've been making Lydia Pins.
2- I've been spending time getting ready for and then having a wonderful weekend with these amazing people.

and 3- There are currently some issues that have been brought to my attention that I haven't wanted to deal with, mostly with God being in control and me not- something I STILL am struggling with and wondering if I can ever put this one issue in the "check.  done.  over it. category."

I'm still not ready to make any leaps and bounds into spiritual success, but I'll recount the good couple of thrashings that I've received lately.  Maybe then you can pray for me and celebrate with me when I stop being so stubborn and do what God is telling me to do.

So here's the issue.  I want my kids.  All of them.  The more I write and think and allow myself to become undone and exposed, the more I realize how angry I still am that so many were taken away from me.  After each miscarriage I was so tunneled into "just get a baby... any  baby ...I need a baby" mode that I don't feel like I really took the time to grieve my losses, and now I feel it gurgling and bubbling up from deep ugly places.  I could ignore it for a while.  Pretend that a baby would fix it.  Foster.  Love other people's kids.  Teach.  Stay busy.  But no, the loss is still there.  It's time to face it, as ugly as it was, as it is.  Because now it's starting to affect the way I love Molly and Josiah and the people I care most about.  It's making me rely on my own strength to love my children the way I want to by thinking I can control what happens to them.

I had a conversation with Jen about the whole thing.  She is my truth-sayer friend.  She'll tell me the truth when its something I need to hear, even if its what I don't want to hear.  I love that about her.  She was always like that, but now I think because of what she has had to endure, she has so much more courage to just say whatever is on her heart- come what may.  She told me that God is going to do whatever He wants to in the lives of our children.  We can stand with Him, we can stand against Him.  One of those choices just won't work out too well for us. ...I'll just copy and paste what she wrote to me...  She's a much better writer than I am and I won't be able to do her words justice...

 "I know the kind of fear that committing the life of your child to God brings. I know the kind of fear that comes when you try to take the control back. It all sucks, it's true. But when push comes to shove, I would always rather be standing on God's side of things, knowing that I stand safely there even though there is danger all around me. And I would always have wanted to stand there with Lydia in my arms, knowing that there was danger all around her. Because of all the places she could have been or I could ever be, we are and always will be safest wherever He brings us...even if it means suffering or pain or death. If He is there, even in danger, we're safe."  


She astounds me.  


And then I read this quote from John Piper's Don't Waste Your Life, the title of the chapter being "Magnifying Christ through Pain and Death," and the subtitle of the section being "How We Handle Loss Shows Who Our Treasure Is."  Yes, thank you, God.  You just make everything such a flashing billboard for me, don't You?!?! 


"But what I know even more surely is that the greatest joy in God comes from giving his gifts away, not in hoarding them for ourselves.  It is good to work and have.  It is better to work and have in order to give.  God's glory shines more brightly when he satisfies us in times of loss than when he provides for us in times of plenty.  The health, wealth, and prosperity "gospel" swallows up the beauty of Christ in the beauty of his gifts and turns the gifts into idols.  The world is not impressed when Christians get rich and say thanks to God.    


They are impressed when God is so satisfying that we give our riches away for Christ's sake and count it gain."   


Good stuff, right?  I know the author is talking about earthly monetary treasures here, but when I read the passage as my children being my greatest wealth, the words were piercing.  Go back and read it again in that context.

I feel like the harder I hold onto what I want (as in what I want being Molly and Josiah to be my children forever) I feel like this illustration:  I feel like when Josiah squeezes his food so hard, is squishes out the back of his hand in between his chubby fingers and it dribbles down his forearm onto his elbow and into his high chair.  When I pry open his hand to try to get him to eat, most of his food is gone, or in an inedible state.  It is wasted.

Holding onto something so tight won't glorify God as nearly as much as letting Him take control.  Because, above everything else, I do want their lives to point to Him, not to me.  It is so simple to say.  So difficult to do.

I feel the control issues rising.  We have bonding evaluations coming up with Josiah.  We had a placement review with our caseworker and her supervisor yesterday where we asked them where things stand.  All things considered- mostly the fact that he's been with us so long- it's looking pretty favorable for us. (That's what they said yesterday.  Who knows about tomorrow?)  I told them how nervous I was about the bonding evaluation and they said, "Oh, its no big deal.  Don't be nervous.  But, that's mostly what the judge is going to consider when she decides where to place him."  Oh, thanks.  Not a big deal AT ALL.

Already I'm thinking about what he'll eat before he goes, the toys I'll bring along with us, how I'm going to make sure he'll have a good night's sleep the night before, how to schedule optimal nap time around the time that the evaluation is scheduled.  Those are all good things to consider.  But I'm agonizing over them.  I'm thinking those things will determine the final decision in the end.  Not true.  And to add the fact Josiah's grandparents have asked for three extra days to visit with him BEFORE the bonding evaluation.  Good timing on their part.  Such a coincidence.  They haven't asked to see him for at least 3 months, and now all of a sudden?

But even extra visits isn't going to show he's not bonded to us, right?  One can but hope.          

2 evaluations-
Wednesday, August 4th.  12:00pm
Wednesday, August 11th.  3:00pm

Justin and me and Josiah in a room with a psychologist watching us interact with him.

Pray, people, pray.  Don't worry, I'll remind you later when we get a bit closer.


I'll leave you on a good note.  Soak in a little of the adorableness.


*The first three pictures were taken by Jen last weekend, and the last one was taken by a family friend Hannah Snyder Chen.  Thanks, girls!  

  

And thanks for your prayers!  :o) 

Lydia Pin Update

Hello, all of you wonderful people who have ordered Lydia Pins!  There has been a phenomenal response and more interest than I could have imagined!  I thought I would tell you a little bit about the process that goes into making your pin so special.

These are my supplies- a foam mat and two kinds of felting needles.  

I pull off a piece of purple wool.  The wool from our sheep is sent away to a place where they clean it, dye it, and make it into something called "roving."  From this state, it is perfect for feeding into a spinning wheel to spin, or in this case, for felting.   

I form the roving into a circle.  

It is put on the foam mat, and I poke it repeatedly with a 3-pronged needle until it becomes felt.

The special barbed needles poke and agitate the wool and make the fibers adhere together.  If you've ever accidentally thrown a wool sweater into a washing machine, you've done the same thing...I'm just doing it on purpose.  

I take the single needle and poke the wool in to form petals.  

Four petals.  I also poke the wool in the form of a cross to make an indent in the middle.  

I repeat once more to make a big and a little flower.  

Using the needle again, I poke the middles to make the two flowers stick together.

Time for beads!  

And the pin back.  

Voila!  Each Lydia Pin is just a little different.  

Sometimes Molly likes to try to help.

Luckily, I can finish a pin in about twenty minutes- just about as long as an episode of Special Agent Oso.  She's a big fan, as you can see.    

There have been orders for 64 pins so far, and I have filled 35!  I can usually get two or three done in a day if I time it just right between nap times. :o)  If you have ordered one, thank you so much for your patience in waiting for yours to come. Please know that I am working hard to get caught up.  If you would like to order one, you can still visit my esty site. (Although be warned, you may need to wait at least 3 weeks before you get it.)  

Want to learn more about the Lydia Pin?  Click on the button here:  

     

Thank you again for your outpouring of love and support for this beautiful girl and her family.  

  

    

Chapter 32: Open Handed

Justin and I had our assistant pastor and his wife over for dinner on Friday.  Despite having the most difficult time trying to get together with them (the last time we did was when Molly was born) we absolutely love spending any amount of time we can with them.  Pastor Ron and Justin are kindred spirits and love talking about everything from school to baseball.  His wife, Stephanie, has the sweetest personality of anyone I've ever known.

After an amazing dinner that Stephanie prepared for us, she and I went into the living room to play with the kids.  I love the way she talks.  She is soft-spoken and her words are gentle and purposeful, filled with kindness and compassion.  After we talked about all that was going on with Josiah, she made a comment that I haven't been able to shake.  

"It must be a wonderful experience to have the opportunity to love your children differently," she said.  

I was taken aback a little.  I am very conscious to try to treat Molly and Josiah the same.  Every morning, I try to dress them similarly.  If Josiah only wears a onesie for the day, so does Molly.  They eat similar breakfasts.  If one has yogurt, so does the other.  They each get to choose a book we read.  If Josiah wants to sit on my lap, I will make sure Molly sits there too.  They even have alternating nap schedules so I can make sure they have some alone time with me.  I guess being a middle child and natural-born score keeper, I am very diligent that I do my best to keep things even.  I don't want them to ever look back at their childhood and think that I favored one over the other.  

But that's not what Stephanie meant.  "You love them both unconditionally, of course," she said, "but you need to love Josiah with an open hand.  You have to prepare your heart that whatever God chooses for Josiah's future, you will be okay with that and trust that He knows best.  Don't you wish all parents could love their children like that?"

Yes, I do.  But do I?  No.  


I know I don't talk about Molly much in my blog.  Partly it's because I feel like this is Josiah's story- its what happens to him.  It's what I learn about God through him.  It's how God is shaping our family because of him.  And I tell you about Josiah because I covet your prayers on his behalf.  I truly want God's best for his life, and I want to be okay with that in the end, whatever that will be.  You don't need to pray for Molly.  She is mine.  She always will be.  My fist is clasped tightly around her.  I know what you all think when I'm whining about Josiah leaving-  "Well, even if the state takes him, you'll still have Molly.  You should be thankful."  Yes- the thought crosses my mind daily.  There will be a hole if he goes, but at least there will be someone to partially fill it.  I am thankful for her.  She is amazing.  A gift.  And she's all mine.  


But Stephanie was right, it is a different kind of love.  Would I send Molly away once a week with a complete stranger to spend an hour or two with two people that the state has deemed "unworthy to care for children"?  Loud resounding,"NO!!!  That's ridiculous!!!"  But I have to do it with Josiah.  Why?  Because that's part of fostering.  Yes, I knew what I was getting myself into partially- at least that part.  And when he drives away without me, I have to trust his life into the hands of his Heavenly Father.  But I'm not faced with that opportunity with Molly daily.  I don't think about her future because I have a sense that I will be able to control it.


If I'm being honest, I am nervous about giving God control over Molly's life.  Every time in the past I have dedicated a child into God's care, that child has either died or is now in the process of being taken away.  We got Josiah dedicated at church when he was four months, exactly a year ago now- when the state told us that they would be removing him from our care "any day now." We told God, we trusted Him with Josiah's future.  I am absolutely terrified to do the same with Molly.  She is mine.  I don't want to stand in front of my church family and tell them that I am handing over Molly's life to Him.  Sounds silly when I write it out.  I know that God knows what's best for her, but I'm afraid that means He will take her.       

The next day after Ron and Stephanie came over, my sister came home from a week of leading worship at a Christian camp.  She was telling my mom and I all about crazy stories of campers, and food that they ate, games that they played, conversations she had, and sermons that she heard.  Her favorite sermon, she said, was about Moses.  She recalled the part when God asked Moses to throw down his staff and God turned it into a snake so that God could use it to get the attention of the Egyptians.  The alter call that evening was, "What do you have in your hand, that if you threw it down, God could use it to glorify Himself?"


Ugh.  I hate when God kicks my butt.  


 Maybe this whole story is not about how He is slowly prying my fingers off of Josiah's future and then comforting me with having Molly's in my other hand's grasp.  


Maybe its about letting them BOTH go so that God can work His perfect will in both of their lives.  


I am so afraid that loving them open-handed will cause me to be empty-handed.    



   
       

Chapter 31: Advocates

Advocate –noun. a person who speaks or writes in support or defense of a person, cause, etc.  


Today was court again.  Hello, familiar headache and oh-so-queezy stomach ache.  I was the only one to show up in court besides Josiah's parents and lawyers.  Josiah's extended family wasn't there like usual.  Since Justin couldn't go with me like he always does, my mom came to keep me company in the waiting area.  She is awesome.    



My mom never sits still.  I do not have a single memory of her sitting somewhere, even in our living room, with her hands being idle.  Whether its knitting, or making baskets, or spinning, or felting, or quilting, or sewing, or embroidering, etc. she is always making something.  This made for a quite embarrassing childhood when we went to doctors offices or if she came to watch me play basketball games.  (Yes, she cheered whilst knitting.)  I perfected the my-mom-is-crazy-eye-roll when I was a teenager.  But now, I'm over it.  Now I think she's pretty amazing.  I'm always surprised to see how many people are willing to talk to a complete stranger when they see what she's doing.  It's usually something like, "How do you do that without looking?" or "My aunt can do that." of "Wow!  You're so fast!  I wish I could make something like that."  

How cute is she in her garden?


My mom is great at having conversations with anyone, and knitting gives her a platform.  She will tell people how the yarn she is knitting with comes from our sheep, which she bred, birthed, fed, nurtured, gave a hair cut, spun their wool on a spinning wheel, and now she is using that yarn to make something. She will show them the purse she made from wool that is felted and decorated from wool that has been dyed.  Sometimes the conversation will lend itself to all the amazing things you can learn from the Bible because you understand what sheep are really like.  She is an advocate for sheep, for the fiber arts, for making pieces of history with your hands, and equipping people to make their own history with the classes she teaches from her home.  You can check out the amazingness on her website.  Yesterday we were brainstorming about her Etsy site and the CSA she wants to start.  (Consumer Supported Agriculture where people get perks every season- like felting kits, wool, yarn, and homemade Jersey fresh jam- for buying shares of the farm... I'll let you know when that's all set up.)  


Also during our loooong wait for them to call our docket, I was addressing envelopes for the Lydia Pin orders I've gotten.  We got there at 8:20 and by 9:18 all of the envelopes were addressed.  Bummer.  I was hoping it would keep me and my mind busy for longer.  So then I started decorating the envelopes.  Apologies if your envelope comes doodled on.  I was bored and anxious.  Sitting there with my mom, both our hands working on projects bigger than ourselves, I let my mind wander about advocacy.  I was thinking that because of sheep and felting, it has enabled me to become and advocate for Lydia and the story of God's faithfulness in her life.  I was excited that maybe these pins will equip others to be advocates too.  


Finally our name was called and I walked into the court room and took a seat in the back part behind the partition that separates the important people from the non-important people.  I so much want to be an advocate for Josiah, who can not have a voice among the "importants" of the room.  His law guardian is his official advocate, and she is awful.  She stands up and declares his good health and how he is meeting all of his developmental milestones.  Useless information.  Why can't she talk about what an amazing home he's in- how loved he is, how well taken-care of he is, how his foster parents are awesome and how they want to adopt him?  How will the judge know if no one tells her?  


I'm hoping that's what a psychologist will say when they give a report of the bonding evaluation that is coming up on August 4th and August 11th.  There is also a trial set for October 4th if no suitable candidate is found for him and DYFS needs to remove custody from the parents instead of them relinquishing their rights to someone.  


During entire day, I had a song playing in my head.  (Take a minute and listen to it after you're done reading.  Let the truth of it sink in.  I pray you can claim this truth for yourself.)  As frustrating as the situation is, God reminds me that I do have an advocate to speak for me.  How easy it is to forget.  I am so willing to take the situation in my own hands, to think that anything I will do or say will change the outcome of where Josiah's forever home will be.  It is hard to relinquish feeling like I have anything to do with what will happen in the end.  I have an Advocate who is doing everything I need to ensure that God's name is glorified and everything will happen for our good.  








Jesus's work on the cross tells me that when I get to Heaven, He will be my advocate.  On that final day of my life I do not have to worry about what will happen with my eternal life because when God looks at me, He will see Jesus.  He will speak for me.  Do you know what a relief that will be?!  


Along with that, what happened to the temple veil tells me something that I forget often.  I have access to God NOW.  The price for that was so high.  It cost a perfect, sinless man his life.  At times I take that for granted.  With an utterance, I am in the presence of God because of what Jesus did.  He speaks to God for me.  He can tell Him my thoughts, my dreams, and better yet, He can change those dreams to fit His will.  


It has been a slow process, but I can see this happening.  There are days when it is easy to do like today, when I realize I have absolutely no control over anything that I want to have control over.  Foster care lets me be an advocate for the work God is doing in my life and the lives of those around me.  More importantly, it teaches me that I only need to be faithful and let MY Advocate work His perfect will in my life....and Josiah's life.      

Upcoming Court...Maybe?

We have another court date coming up on Monday.  This would be the court that we were supposed to have on June 21st, which got postponed from May 17th when one of the lawyers didn't show up. Third time's the charm?

I don't really want to go, especially since Justin can't go with me.  He has to work that day.  Boo.  I figured if I can drive in New York City, Atlantic City is no big deal, right?  My palms just started to sweat thinking about it.  I am so not independent.

I'm really really bummed that I won't be able to bring my felting stuff with me because I have to walk through a metal-detector before I can get into the building.  I'm thinking 3-pronged 3-inch barbed needles might be mistaken for a weapon.  "No, no, policeman, I'm felting flowers out of purple wool to make pins."  That sounds plausible, right?

Again, no idea what court will be about.  Although, I did get a call from Josiah's law guardian asking the usual, "How's he doing?  What's he eating?  How much does he weigh?  What's going on- has DYFS told you?"  She is Josiah's advocate at court who does nothing.  I think she thinks by finding out answers to her questions, she now knows all about him.   She always tells me she thinks he should stay with me, but then when we get to court she tells the judge absolutely nothing.

During this phone call she said to me, "If he were 8 months, it would be a different story, but he's 15.  I can't imagine him moving out of your home when he's doing so well, is so attached to you,  and it doesn't appear that the family is exactly eager to get him.  Enough's enough.  He needs a permanent home."

Oh, geez.  Give me hope, why don't you?  Kick me when I'm down.

I'm choosing not to think about it and working hard on getting all of your Lydia pin orders out in a timely manner.

We've had 45 orders so far, by the way.  Keep them coming!  :o)

A Pin for Lydia

Recently, my friend Jen posted a very inspiring link on her blog.  It's about how her sister-in-law, Liz is running a triathlon in honor of Jen's baby girl, Lydia.  She is raising support to add to the fund that Jen and Micah have set up in Lydia's name.  I've been giving this idea some thought in the past, but Liz inspired me to get things moving...  

It got me thinking- How could I use my time and talents to bless Jen and Micah and honor Lydia?  And this was my idea...