After an amazing dinner that Stephanie prepared for us, she and I went into the living room to play with the kids. I love the way she talks. She is soft-spoken and her words are gentle and purposeful, filled with kindness and compassion. After we talked about all that was going on with Josiah, she made a comment that I haven't been able to shake.
"It must be a wonderful experience to have the opportunity to love your children differently," she said.
I was taken aback a little. I am very conscious to try to treat Molly and Josiah the same. Every morning, I try to dress them similarly. If Josiah only wears a onesie for the day, so does Molly. They eat similar breakfasts. If one has yogurt, so does the other. They each get to choose a book we read. If Josiah wants to sit on my lap, I will make sure Molly sits there too. They even have alternating nap schedules so I can make sure they have some alone time with me. I guess being a middle child and natural-born score keeper, I am very diligent that I do my best to keep things even. I don't want them to ever look back at their childhood and think that I favored one over the other.
But that's not what Stephanie meant. "You love them both unconditionally, of course," she said, "but you need to love Josiah with an open hand. You have to prepare your heart that whatever God chooses for Josiah's future, you will be okay with that and trust that He knows best. Don't you wish all parents could love their children like that?"
Yes, I do. But do I? No.
I know I don't talk about Molly much in my blog. Partly it's because I feel like this is Josiah's story- its what happens to him. It's what I learn about God through him. It's how God is shaping our family because of him. And I tell you about Josiah because I covet your prayers on his behalf. I truly want God's best for his life, and I want to be okay with that in the end, whatever that will be. You don't need to pray for Molly. She is mine. She always will be. My fist is clasped tightly around her. I know what you all think when I'm whining about Josiah leaving- "Well, even if the state takes him, you'll still have Molly. You should be thankful." Yes- the thought crosses my mind daily. There will be a hole if he goes, but at least there will be someone to partially fill it. I am thankful for her. She is amazing. A gift. And she's all mine.
But Stephanie was right, it is a different kind of love. Would I send Molly away once a week with a complete stranger to spend an hour or two with two people that the state has deemed "unworthy to care for children"? Loud resounding,"NO!!! That's ridiculous!!!" But I have to do it with Josiah. Why? Because that's part of fostering. Yes, I knew what I was getting myself into partially- at least that part. And when he drives away without me, I have to trust his life into the hands of his Heavenly Father. But I'm not faced with that opportunity with Molly daily. I don't think about her future because I have a sense that I will be able to control it.
If I'm being honest, I am nervous about giving God control over Molly's life. Every time in the past I have dedicated a child into God's care, that child has either died or is now in the process of being taken away. We got Josiah dedicated at church when he was four months, exactly a year ago now- when the state told us that they would be removing him from our care "any day now." We told God, we trusted Him with Josiah's future. I am absolutely terrified to do the same with Molly. She is mine. I don't want to stand in front of my church family and tell them that I am handing over Molly's life to Him. Sounds silly when I write it out. I know that God knows what's best for her, but I'm afraid that means He will take her.
The next day after Ron and Stephanie came over, my sister came home from a week of leading worship at a Christian camp. She was telling my mom and I all about crazy stories of campers, and food that they ate, games that they played, conversations she had, and sermons that she heard. Her favorite sermon, she said, was about Moses. She recalled the part when God asked Moses to throw down his staff and God turned it into a snake so that God could use it to get the attention of the Egyptians. The alter call that evening was, "What do you have in your hand, that if you threw it down, God could use it to glorify Himself?"
Ugh. I hate when God kicks my butt.
Maybe this whole story is not about how He is slowly prying my fingers off of Josiah's future and then comforting me with having Molly's in my other hand's grasp.
Maybe its about letting them BOTH go so that God can work His perfect will in both of their lives.
I am so afraid that loving them open-handed will cause me to be empty-handed.
I know I don't talk about Molly much in my blog. Partly it's because I feel like this is Josiah's story- its what happens to him. It's what I learn about God through him. It's how God is shaping our family because of him. And I tell you about Josiah because I covet your prayers on his behalf. I truly want God's best for his life, and I want to be okay with that in the end, whatever that will be. You don't need to pray for Molly. She is mine. She always will be. My fist is clasped tightly around her. I know what you all think when I'm whining about Josiah leaving- "Well, even if the state takes him, you'll still have Molly. You should be thankful." Yes- the thought crosses my mind daily. There will be a hole if he goes, but at least there will be someone to partially fill it. I am thankful for her. She is amazing. A gift. And she's all mine.
But Stephanie was right, it is a different kind of love. Would I send Molly away once a week with a complete stranger to spend an hour or two with two people that the state has deemed "unworthy to care for children"? Loud resounding,"NO!!! That's ridiculous!!!" But I have to do it with Josiah. Why? Because that's part of fostering. Yes, I knew what I was getting myself into partially- at least that part. And when he drives away without me, I have to trust his life into the hands of his Heavenly Father. But I'm not faced with that opportunity with Molly daily. I don't think about her future because I have a sense that I will be able to control it.
If I'm being honest, I am nervous about giving God control over Molly's life. Every time in the past I have dedicated a child into God's care, that child has either died or is now in the process of being taken away. We got Josiah dedicated at church when he was four months, exactly a year ago now- when the state told us that they would be removing him from our care "any day now." We told God, we trusted Him with Josiah's future. I am absolutely terrified to do the same with Molly. She is mine. I don't want to stand in front of my church family and tell them that I am handing over Molly's life to Him. Sounds silly when I write it out. I know that God knows what's best for her, but I'm afraid that means He will take her.
The next day after Ron and Stephanie came over, my sister came home from a week of leading worship at a Christian camp. She was telling my mom and I all about crazy stories of campers, and food that they ate, games that they played, conversations she had, and sermons that she heard. Her favorite sermon, she said, was about Moses. She recalled the part when God asked Moses to throw down his staff and God turned it into a snake so that God could use it to get the attention of the Egyptians. The alter call that evening was, "What do you have in your hand, that if you threw it down, God could use it to glorify Himself?"
Ugh. I hate when God kicks my butt.
Maybe this whole story is not about how He is slowly prying my fingers off of Josiah's future and then comforting me with having Molly's in my other hand's grasp.
Maybe its about letting them BOTH go so that God can work His perfect will in both of their lives.
I am so afraid that loving them open-handed will cause me to be empty-handed.
1 comment:
Thank you for this post. Seems God might be using it to kick my butt right now too and reminding me that all I have is not mine, but His. It's a hard reminder sometimes, but I am grateful for it right now. Thinking of you today!
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