Chapter 33: Issues

It's been a little while since I've had a soul-searching entry because...

1- I've been making Lydia Pins.
2- I've been spending time getting ready for and then having a wonderful weekend with these amazing people.

and 3- There are currently some issues that have been brought to my attention that I haven't wanted to deal with, mostly with God being in control and me not- something I STILL am struggling with and wondering if I can ever put this one issue in the "check.  done.  over it. category."

I'm still not ready to make any leaps and bounds into spiritual success, but I'll recount the good couple of thrashings that I've received lately.  Maybe then you can pray for me and celebrate with me when I stop being so stubborn and do what God is telling me to do.

So here's the issue.  I want my kids.  All of them.  The more I write and think and allow myself to become undone and exposed, the more I realize how angry I still am that so many were taken away from me.  After each miscarriage I was so tunneled into "just get a baby... any  baby ...I need a baby" mode that I don't feel like I really took the time to grieve my losses, and now I feel it gurgling and bubbling up from deep ugly places.  I could ignore it for a while.  Pretend that a baby would fix it.  Foster.  Love other people's kids.  Teach.  Stay busy.  But no, the loss is still there.  It's time to face it, as ugly as it was, as it is.  Because now it's starting to affect the way I love Molly and Josiah and the people I care most about.  It's making me rely on my own strength to love my children the way I want to by thinking I can control what happens to them.

I had a conversation with Jen about the whole thing.  She is my truth-sayer friend.  She'll tell me the truth when its something I need to hear, even if its what I don't want to hear.  I love that about her.  She was always like that, but now I think because of what she has had to endure, she has so much more courage to just say whatever is on her heart- come what may.  She told me that God is going to do whatever He wants to in the lives of our children.  We can stand with Him, we can stand against Him.  One of those choices just won't work out too well for us. ...I'll just copy and paste what she wrote to me...  She's a much better writer than I am and I won't be able to do her words justice...

 "I know the kind of fear that committing the life of your child to God brings. I know the kind of fear that comes when you try to take the control back. It all sucks, it's true. But when push comes to shove, I would always rather be standing on God's side of things, knowing that I stand safely there even though there is danger all around me. And I would always have wanted to stand there with Lydia in my arms, knowing that there was danger all around her. Because of all the places she could have been or I could ever be, we are and always will be safest wherever He brings us...even if it means suffering or pain or death. If He is there, even in danger, we're safe."  


She astounds me.  


And then I read this quote from John Piper's Don't Waste Your Life, the title of the chapter being "Magnifying Christ through Pain and Death," and the subtitle of the section being "How We Handle Loss Shows Who Our Treasure Is."  Yes, thank you, God.  You just make everything such a flashing billboard for me, don't You?!?! 


"But what I know even more surely is that the greatest joy in God comes from giving his gifts away, not in hoarding them for ourselves.  It is good to work and have.  It is better to work and have in order to give.  God's glory shines more brightly when he satisfies us in times of loss than when he provides for us in times of plenty.  The health, wealth, and prosperity "gospel" swallows up the beauty of Christ in the beauty of his gifts and turns the gifts into idols.  The world is not impressed when Christians get rich and say thanks to God.    


They are impressed when God is so satisfying that we give our riches away for Christ's sake and count it gain."   


Good stuff, right?  I know the author is talking about earthly monetary treasures here, but when I read the passage as my children being my greatest wealth, the words were piercing.  Go back and read it again in that context.

I feel like the harder I hold onto what I want (as in what I want being Molly and Josiah to be my children forever) I feel like this illustration:  I feel like when Josiah squeezes his food so hard, is squishes out the back of his hand in between his chubby fingers and it dribbles down his forearm onto his elbow and into his high chair.  When I pry open his hand to try to get him to eat, most of his food is gone, or in an inedible state.  It is wasted.

Holding onto something so tight won't glorify God as nearly as much as letting Him take control.  Because, above everything else, I do want their lives to point to Him, not to me.  It is so simple to say.  So difficult to do.

I feel the control issues rising.  We have bonding evaluations coming up with Josiah.  We had a placement review with our caseworker and her supervisor yesterday where we asked them where things stand.  All things considered- mostly the fact that he's been with us so long- it's looking pretty favorable for us. (That's what they said yesterday.  Who knows about tomorrow?)  I told them how nervous I was about the bonding evaluation and they said, "Oh, its no big deal.  Don't be nervous.  But, that's mostly what the judge is going to consider when she decides where to place him."  Oh, thanks.  Not a big deal AT ALL.

Already I'm thinking about what he'll eat before he goes, the toys I'll bring along with us, how I'm going to make sure he'll have a good night's sleep the night before, how to schedule optimal nap time around the time that the evaluation is scheduled.  Those are all good things to consider.  But I'm agonizing over them.  I'm thinking those things will determine the final decision in the end.  Not true.  And to add the fact Josiah's grandparents have asked for three extra days to visit with him BEFORE the bonding evaluation.  Good timing on their part.  Such a coincidence.  They haven't asked to see him for at least 3 months, and now all of a sudden?

But even extra visits isn't going to show he's not bonded to us, right?  One can but hope.          

2 evaluations-
Wednesday, August 4th.  12:00pm
Wednesday, August 11th.  3:00pm

Justin and me and Josiah in a room with a psychologist watching us interact with him.

Pray, people, pray.  Don't worry, I'll remind you later when we get a bit closer.


I'll leave you on a good note.  Soak in a little of the adorableness.


*The first three pictures were taken by Jen last weekend, and the last one was taken by a family friend Hannah Snyder Chen.  Thanks, girls!  

  

And thanks for your prayers!  :o)