In which I vent...again....

Another month, another visit from our caseworker.  I'll try be brief with the news.

The grandfather calls the caseworker to complain everytime we say no to a visit.

Here's how the call went last time.
           Grandfather:  "I'm off for four days this weekend.  Thursday through Monday.  Can he sleep over?"
           Justin:  "I would rather he not.  Monday would be the only day that would work for us.  We have    
                        plans for this weekend for Megan's birthday."
           Grandfather:  *grumble*grumble*grumble* You're trying to keep him from me! grumble*grumble*


He ended up having to work everything but the weekend, so we did end up letting him go on Saturday, so sadly our plans had to change, but whatever...atleast he didn't sleep over.  There are a few reasons we don't want him to.

1- He doesn't have a crib at his house.  Most likely he would end up sleeping at the great aunt's house, which isn't licensed.  
2- He doesn't sleep well when he isn't at home, which wouldn't be too much of a problem for them, but for us who then has to deal with a cranky toddler for the next few days, it is.
3- That's just one foot in the door for him staying permanently, and although that might me coming, we want to create as much routine and normalcy as possible for our little man.
4- We give them an inch, and they think they're entitled to more.  What next?  They get him EVERY weekend?  I don't think so.

But...the caseworker says that they can take us to court and get overnights, or we can give it to them.  I really don't want to go where we did last time where things get ugly, so we're setting a schedule now where he will sleep over once every other week.

But the bad news... if we start this week, which he wants to, that would put him not being here for Christmas.

I am NOT okay with that.

Last time I checked, we're not a babysitting service who is going to watch your kid for you when its not convenient for you to take him.  We are a FAMILY and are trying to conduct our lives as such.  I am frustrated.  I am annoyed.  I am angry that they care more about playing house than they do about the well being of their grandson.  *erg*

AND...

The grandfather has hired a private lawyer and is planning on filing a motion to have custody on the next court date:  December 10th.  The case worker says that DYFS wants to appeal, but that doesn't mean that the judge will agree.  One of two things could happen:

1- The judge will grant the motion and Josiah will be removed from our home in 72 hours or worse- make plans for him to start visiting weekends...then more...then more....until slowly he is dwindled from our lives.  
2- The motion will be denied and the grandfather will file again until he gets what he wants.

I don't know how to ask you to pray.  I want to say I want God to intervene here.  I want us to keep him.  I can't imagine our lives without this little boy.  But, at the same time, I look at what our lives will be like with him- the thousands of awkward conversations with the grandfather begging us to get time with him, and us wanting to keep him for ourselves.  I would like to say we would share nice, but I honestly I wouldn't want to.  I don't want him to live like a kid with divorced parents:  their house this holiday, ours the next, etc.  I think it's great so many people love him, but I'm not a fan of putting him in the presence of a dysfunctional family if I can help it.  Am I mean?  Probably.

But as always, I remind myself that the decision will not be mine.  All of the families I know who have foster babies and have had this judge- things have not bode well for them.  The judge favors reunification, despite the amount of time children have been in foster homes, and despite what bonding evaluations say.  I can't help but brace myself once again for heartache.  Who knows if we will even need to have a conversation with the grandfather about keeping our little boy for Christmas?

Prayers, please.

Thank you.    

Psalm Thirty: Weeping to Rejoicing

"O LORD, I called to you for help and you helped me." v. 2

"Sing to the LORD, you saints of his, 

Praise his holy name.  

For his anger lasts only for a moment, 

but his favor lasts a lifetime;

Weeping may remain for a night, 

but rejoicing comes in the morning." v. 4-5

Lord, I thank you that you hear me and answer me when I need help.  Thank you that you love me, and for the fact that I never have to experience Your anger because of the work of Christ.  I see the feelings of the Psalmist were changed from weeping to rejoicing when he praised You in song.  Help me to do the same when You are trying to take me from a season of wallowing to time of worshiping. 

I think one of the hardest things to do when you are grieving to is to worship.  It is difficult to think that a God of love can be the one to allow you to walk through excruciating pain. Songs like this one were especially difficult for me to sing in church.  

"You give and take away, you give and take away. My heart will choose to say, Lord, Blessed be your name."

I think it is no accident that the Psalmist links weeping to singing and singing to rejoicing.  I remember sitting in church during dark days and trying to mouth the words to this song and no sound would come out.  It seemed strange and terrible that God would be asking me to worship Him when He was the one who had taken so much away from me.  This is when I understood the true meaning of bringing a "sacrifice of praise."  It seems silly that God would require me to tell Him about Himself. (Like He doesn't already know how awesome He is, and He needs ME to tell him.)  But, I don't think that is what true worship is for.  He requires me to tell myself about Him.  

It is during worship or a sermon or reading Scripture, or even just going about everyday life noticing creation when the "God bumps" come.  You know...that moment when you hear or see a truth about God and the evidence of that truth manifests itself in little bumps and shivers all over your arms and neck.  It's at that moment that your heart and your head are convening with your spirit, speaking to it, reaffirming the truth you know is very real...and it can't help but spill out all over your skin.  This sounds really weird...anybody with me?  

I think this is why God calls me to worship Him- because sometimes my heart can't accept the truth my head knows, and singing is a way that I can speak to myself and put the two in allignment.  I am thankful for the truth of this Scripture today.  It reminds me that there is a season to weeping- that rejoicing will come eventually, mostly when I am able to realize that what happens in my life has very little to do with me and everything to do with knowing God more.  

"Court"

After we got to Atlantic City this morning, parked the car, and walked three blocks, we saw a huge amount of people standing outside of the court house.  We were told by a police officer that they building had no electricity and that they were working on it and they didn't know when it would be open.

Two hours of driving around the block, and a cup of hot chocolate, a trip to McDonald's to use the restroom, and a stop at an outlet store to buy Justin a jacket (it was SOOO cold) later.... there was a sign taped to the door saying, "Building closed for the day.  Power is out.  Sorry for the inconvenience."

It is easy to get frustrated when Justin takes the day off of work and I get a sitter so we can make an appearance to each hearing.  But at the same time, it is almost humorous to watch the hand of God slow things down so we can have more time with our little man.

Court tomorrow

Court again on November 8th.  The big prayer request....

To get permission to cut Josiah's hair.  I know, ridiculous...but we're not allowed to cut Josiah's hair without getting the parent's permission first.  They think that we've cut it without asking them before, so they are refusing to let us.  Yes, please punish us by punishing your son by letting him have hair that is so long it gets matted.  You deserve the Parents of the Year award.

They supposedly are discussing Josiah's permanent placement tomorrow.  I'm not holding my breath to get real answers.  Answers would be nice, but not as nice as not having answers.  No answers means more time.  And time I like.  


 

A quick praise

So I had been wanting a jogging stroller for a long while now.  No, not because I jog...what a silly assumption...but because I wanted to sit Josiah and Molly side by side when we walked together.  They were getting increasingly difficult to turn in the double stroller that was given to me by a friend.  I was infinitely grateful that my friend gave this one to me.  It was this time last year that I literally could not leave the house because I had no way of transporting the two around together unless I carried a two month old, and put the 7 month old in the single stroller I had. *impossible*

And this stroller worked wonderfully until I had to put Molly in the front because it would turn better with the 30-pounder in the back.  

But then Josiah LOVED pulling Molly's hood/hat off, hitting her over the head with his cup, or pulling on her hair.  He would laugh every time he did it.  I tried putting the arm straps on him, but he would always wriggle out.  

I've been on the lookout on Craigslist for a double jogging stroller probably since last spring to no avail.  I had seen a few for $100, and that just seemed silly to pay that much when I already had a stroller. And so, humoring myself, I decided to pray for one.  It seemed a silly and frivolous thing to pray for, but I did it anyway.  

A few days later, I came home from work to my two excited children and wonderful babysitter.  (It's a small celebration everyday filled with flapping arms, and big smiles, and hugs and cheers.  It makes leaving for work bearable to know that they miss me as much as I miss them.)  After they settled down, I went upstairs to change my clothes, and I saw an envelope at the top of the stairs.  Our amazing babysitter had given us a Happy Boss's Day card.  She wrote that she had felt God telling her to give us back a portion of what we had paid her, and she put 2 $20 bills in the card.  My first inclination was to try to insist on returning the money to her, but I didn't want to offend her, and it was so gracious of her to offer us a gift.  

And wouldn't you know it....  I looked on Craigslist that night and found a double jogging stroller listed for $40. 

I love it when God provides, don't you?