What I Wasn't Expecting

I knew this day could be coming for 20 months, and I knew it was coming for 2.  So I thought that I would be prepared for when it did.  I told myself how nice it would be to be a family of 3 for a little while.  I could get out of the house more, have more time for cooking and cleaning and housework, enjoy Molly by herself, and of course, change less diapers.  I actually started convincing myself that I was looking forward to it so much that I would welcome this season of life and be a productive person again.

What I wasn't expecting was how exhausted I would be.  I skipped over the thought that I would have to grieve the loss of Josiah.  But that is just where I find myself. I am sad.  And I'm not saying I want to wallow in loss.  I know that I am abundantly blessed to have my daughter and another baby on the way. I'm not trying to lessen the gifts that they are.  But I know what trying to skip the season of grieving has done to me before.  It has lead to distancing myself from other people, becoming bitter and angry at God, and refusing to let God meet me where I was.

There are so many lessons that Josiah has taught me that I still need to write down.  Thinking about them makes me walk in dark places, but I would be foolish for wanting to skip over them in hopes of making myself feel better sooner.  So I will choose to let it hurt, not just because it is good for me to remember, but because I believe I will meet God in new and real ways when I let Him do the healing in the way that only He can.

During the time I have been Josiah's mommy, I have been blessed to meet a new friend.  Her name is Megan and she lives in Colorado.  Her son Sam lives in heaven, and the way she writes about her journey of loss and grief is so beautiful that it makes me not only less afraid of the darkness, it makes me excited about how I will meet Christ between now until the time comes when I can enjoy the light again.

In one of her posts about blessing and suffering she writes...

"I have a few dear ones in mind as I write, who are suffering in these dark days. Dear ones, I am excited for you. Excited. Because there is great blessing in identifying yourself with the Cross through suffering, and I experience this blessing daily. The point of suffering is not to get through it, or get over it, learn to prevent it, or make it go away. I will not have triumphed over suffering the day I forget my grief. The point of suffering is not to wallow in it or to let it determine your goodness. The point of suffering is not to teach a lesson (though many lessons do we learn through it). The point of suffering is to walk with Christ, in the moments before salvation was accomplished, adoring the blood on His brow, treasuring His pain, taking it as your own. For in so experiencing the Cross, we experience blessing."  


So here goes...  


It is 12:30 in the afternoon.  And I'm still in my pajamas.  And I think that's ok for now.