When my children cry, I measure the severity of the situation not by loud the scream is, but by the amount of time in between the wails. The longer the inhale, the more dire the situation. (Usually the sound comes from a distraught Molly who has Josiah sitting on top of her head.)
That's what I feel like when it comes for waiting for that call that is going to tell me when Josiah is leaving. It's like one giant inhale- the longer it takes to come, the harder and louder and longer I fear the grieving process will be. I'm ready to let it out- to take time to sob, to heal, to find my new normal, but I can't. It's not time yet. I feel awful for wanting the time to come. But I'm tired of letting the thoughts consume me, thinking about what I'll send with him and what I want to stay here to remind me of him. I have to put a baby book together for him, and I know that's something I need to do before he goes, but I just can't bring myself to do it yet. I want to celebrate new life inside of me instead of wallow in the idea of loss. Instead I continue to breathe in. breathe in. breathe in. and wait.
I am reminded to try to enjoy the time I have left together as a family. Last week, the sermon on Sunday was on Ecclesiastes 7:14a...
"When times are good, be happy. But when they are not, consider this, God has made one as well as the other."
I always thought of that verse as a good reminder that God is in control of every situation- good and bad. However, last Sunday, our pastor took time to drive home the first portion of that verse. Isn't it funny how we would need to be reminded to be happy when times are good? I know I do. I have to admit, I've never been very good at that. When I was in high school, I couldn't wait to go to college. When I was dating, I wanted to be engaged. When I was engaged, I wanted to be married. When I was married, I wanted to be a mom. I've never really been a "seize the day" "savor the moment" kind of person. I even remember crying at Disney World when I was eight or so, and when my mom asked me what was wrong, I whined, "We only have 7 more days left in Disney World!!!" See what I mean?
Having Josiah has been a lesson in enjoying what God has given me when He has given it to me. He's taught me to take every day as a gift in itself and to try not to squander it by thinking about tomorrow. It's such a difficult lesson for me but one that I am trying my best to live these last few days that I have with him.
Breathe in. Breathe in. Breathe in. *Happy sigh*
1 comment:
Megan, I love you!
Post a Comment