Psalm Twenty-Four: Open the Gates

"Lift up your heads, O you gates; be lifted up you ancient doors, that the King of glory may come in.  

Who is the King of glory?  The LORD strong and mighty, the LORD mighty in battle.  

Lift up your heads, O you gates; lift them up, you ancient doors that the King of glory may come in.  

Who is he- this King of glory?  

The LORD Almighty- he is the King of Glory."  v 7-10

God, 

It is easy to trust in You when nothing is happening- to just be still and know that you are God and rest in hope and realize that Your promises will one day come to fruition.  But when what I have prayed for begins to happen, I feel familiar walls start being rebuilt.  God, I do not want to stop knowing who You are because I am afraid of what You may or may not do in my life.  Like the psalmist asks, please lift up my head- that I may see You, the King of glory, more clearly and intimately than I've ever known before.  

I wrote this two and a half weeks after I found out I was pregnant with Molly.  I was finally coming out of my valley of the shadow of death.  It was more difficult to trust God with my life and the life of my child than ever before.  But this pregnancy was different.  It wasn't about God giving me what I wanted. It was about God giving me more of Himself- and that was far more important.  

Fast forward to now... I am stuck.  Psalm 34 is baffling me.  I haven't illustrated a Psalm in 2 months because I can't come up with an illustration for it.  However, I've been very content reliving old lessons, splashing my journal with color, and cataloging my journey.  In the valleys it is easy to feel God comforting, but it is very difficult to see God moving.  Looking back, being removed from grief a bit, I can see how God was moving and orchestrating so much that only now I'm able to appreciate.  

When I opened my journal this morning to find this illustration, a song came to mind.  Here is my three year old nephew singing it to a very colicky 6 week old Molly.  I'm sad the first line is cut off, but you'll get the idea...    and apologies for the text being messed up when I embedded the video.  

Open the gates and seize the day.

Don't be afraid and don't delay.

Nothing can brake us

No one can make us

Give our rights away

Arise and Seize the Day!

(My sister and brother-in-law are indoctrinating their son with all things Disney. This is from the movie, Newsies.)

I woke up today with quite the opposite outlook on life. I was dreading the day. Brenda was coming over. And to make matters worse, the house was a wreck. Dirty dishes in the sink, baskets of laundry that still needed folding, toys that have run amuck and were somehow in the kitchen, strewn strollers in the dinning room, carpets that needed vacuuming, and children that needed -as always- to be bathed, changed, fed, and entertained. I have come to the conclusion that I don't really care what people think of my house anymore, but I really really don't want Brenda thinking that Josiah is living in a hovel. I wish I was a better housekeeper. Right now I'm concentrating on being a good mom, and that's about all I have time/energy for. Don't judge, please.

And today, I was just not in the mood for sharing my children with people. Some days, I'm really okay with it- despite the constant whining on my blog. I just wasn't in the mood to flick on the "Oh I'm so happy you're here to disrupt nap time, make my son cry, and hear about how you're so close to getting certified" switch. I was overwhelmed. Clutter in every corner has a way of doing that. All I wanted to do was

1- enjoy my children, (but I couldn't because I had to clean)

2- not share them with any family but my own, (but Brenda was coming)

3- clean my house, (but I can't do much at once because of two screaming children. Some people can work while their children are crying, but I can't. It stresses me out. Why not do it at the end of the day when they are in bed, you ask? Because I'm plumb-tuckered by that point, that's why.)

4- and enjoy the 78 degree weather. (but we couldn't because Brenda would be here the only time Josiah and Molly are awake at the same time and she would want to stay inside.)

So here I was, thinking of this Psalm, with a Disney musical soundtrack flooding my brain as I'm changing a diaper ...and I thought about something that my mom taught my sisters and me:

"When you can't change the situation... you have to change your 

attitude." 

Lift up your heads, O you gates; be lifted up you ancient doors, that the King of glory may come in. 

Open the gates and seize the day.  

This was my thought: I'm only getting one chance to live this day.  If I'm going to live it and enjoy it, I have to change my attitude, because I certainly can't change my situation.  I prayed that God would change my outlook on the day. I gave my anxiety to Him, and prayed that I would enjoy all the little blessings that I would otherwise miss if I was too busy stomping around and slamming cabinet doors all morning.     

So my day started out like any other, but today I was deliberate about drinking in all the little details that I am quick to overlook - I gave Molly a bath, nursed her, dressed her and then fed Josiah his sippy cup of milk, changed him, gave him the important job of holding the socks while they both sat on my lap and we slid down the stairs together making a big "boom" sound with each step we hit.  I love hearing them belly laugh at the same time. We read some books, watched Mickey Mouse Clubhouse, danced the hotdog dance, and I put the kiddos in their seats for breakfast.  I gave them each a fist full of Cheerios while I got the rest of their breakfast ready.  I replied to Brenda's text confirming her visit at two o'clock.  I ended it with a smiley face trying to convince myself that yes, I was going to be happy about it.  (I actually was kind of was feeling okay about it.)    

Just as we were cleaning up from breakfast, a DYFS van pulled into my driveway.  The worker at the door confirmed my fear that Josiah had visitation today at the office.  Wonderful.  It would have been nice if someone told me. The house was still a mess.  Josiah's bag wasn't packed and his pants didn't match his shirt.  I kicked into my "I'm going to be flexible and happy about it" gear.  The woman was so sweet and understanding and patient while I threw some crackers and applesauce in his bag and put his shoes on and kissed his tear-streaked face.    

After he left, I put Molly down for a nap and I cleaned the whole house in a half an hour.  Its amazing how I can be overwhelmed for days with a mess that takes 30 minutes to clean up.  But.... I don't have 30 minutes to clean during the day usually.  They never nap at the same time- so I really never have time to just clean.  It felt awesome and cathartic.  I also called Brenda to cancel her visit because Josiah would now be missing his morning nap.  

An hour later, I got a call from my caseworker to tell me that Josiah's parents had just called to let her know that they wanted to cancel the visit today.  The poor worker had to drive all the way back to deliver Josiah back home.  I fed the babies lunch, and tried putting them both down for a nap at the same time to no avail.  So... I opted to take them for a walk in the sunshine.  And as I walked I thought about how this day started and how it ended. I....

1- enjoyed my children

2- didn't have to share Josiah with Brenda or his crazy parents

3- got my house clean and

4- got to enjoy this 78 degree glorious blue-skied day.  

Funny.  I wonder if I never changed my attitude if God wouldn't have changed my situation.  I seized the day.  I opened the gates.  I saw the how amazing the King of glory can direct my life when I surrender my day to Him.