Chapter six- In which God says, "Soon" and I get really excited

It was during this time that I started my "Psalms Illustrated" journal. (see Introduction) I couldn't wait to see how God was going to reveal Himself to me next. Everyday was the day I might find out why I had to have two miscarriages to become who I was supposed to be. I loved going through Psalms chapter by chapter and finding out who God was, and being able to relate his character to tangible things like a shield, rock, fortress, or hiding place.

Still, I felt singed. I was reclusive. I hated being around women with babies. There was not an isle at Target or a row of people at church or a check out line in the grocery store that was void of women with swollen stomachs that held the promise of new life. Seeing them made me feel so empty, so incapable of being who I knew in my heart I was supposed to be. Most married women get pregnant and have babies. I wanted to be one of them.

No one knew what to say to me and I hated making people uncomfortable. Some people would say things like, "I knew a lady once who had 7 miscarriages- then she had 2 sets of twins!" Good for her, I'd think. Why don't you rub it in? Some people would ignore me, which felt worse. Mostly I just wanted to know that people were praying for me. That comforted me.

We had our third miscarriage in July of 2008. I was thankful that the baby never was old enough to have an ultrasound taken of it. Just one more picture to come across one day and cry over. It hurt to lose this one, but not as much as the first two. Maybe it was because I guarded my heart a little more and tried not to get my hopes up. In any case, the loss of this third one made me get proactive. My older sister, Amy, was going through the foster care system in South Carolina to adopt a child of her own. She kept nudging me for the past year to get my paperwork going to work on the adoption process myself. I finally felt ready. If God wasn't going to bless me with a child of my own, I knew there were plenty of children who needed a loving mother. And I was going to be one of them. I looked up the Department of Youth and Family Services of New Jersey online, and sent an email saying I was interested in becoming a foster parent. We got our first phone call in October 2008 and began the long arduous process of paperwork, classes, getting fingerprints done, home inspections, and interviews.

At the same time, Justin and I went to an infertility clinic to see what may be going wrong with our growing list of unborn babies. I told God I was going to walk through every open door to become a mother until He closed one. Tests results concluded that I had a unicoruate uterus, a condition that meant I only had half of a normal-sized womb. Chances were very slim that even if I got pregnant, it would be likely I could carry a baby to term. I was heartbroken. But at the same time excited to be a foster parent.

"What if you get pregnant again?" my mom asked. "Do you still want to be a foster parent?"

"I'm not letting pregnancy stop me from being a mom," I said. Strange statement, but true.

Justin and I took parenting classes in December 2008. There were five other people in the class, four of us becoming fost-adopt parents, and three who were doing kinship care, in which they were adopting a family member. There was a man named Fred there who was working on adopting his eleven month old grandson, David. I remember at one point in the class he took out his cell phone and passed it around to show the rest of the class how adorable he was. He really was. Three classes done and done. January would be our home inspection, February our interviews and then we just had to wait for the call for a child who would be needing a home!

I prayed that the experience of becoming a foster mom would bring me closer to the person God had created me to be. Seeking God's character in all of my circumstances now, I prayed that through this experience He would teach me more about Himself.

In December we lost baby number four. I almost didn't care. I was going to be a mom soon. Finally.