A lot of people have asked me if having a baby of my own is much different than adoption or foster care. Nope. It's not. It's as though God says, "Here are the children I want you to take care of." It makes no difference. I do love looking at Molly and seeing who's features she has- Justin's ears, my eyes, his nose, my mouth.... But I don't love her because she was made in our image. I love both Josiah and Molly because they were made in God's image. They are both such precious gifts and I would in no way trade one for the other.
It stings a little when I tell people that we won't get to keep Josiah and they say, "Well at least you have your own kid now." I'm sorry...would you want one to give up one of your kids because the other one looks more like you?
It's going to be painful when he leaves. There's no way around it. Like a piece of me is missing. I love him like I love Molly. And should it be any different? He has been grafted into our family, just like I've been grafted into God's, and he will forever be a part of us even if he doesn't end up calling me "mom." I love that little boy to pieces.
Since Molly has been born, we've been able to establish and build a relationship with Josiah's family. Some days, he would go over to his grandfather's so he could spend the day with them and his brother David. When he would leave, I would miss him like crazy, but it felt different than when he would go to his parents'. I knew he was completely loved and coddled and fussed over. And it felt great to know that we were blessing his family with the happiest healthiest little boy that we could.
One day, Aunt Brenda (the aunt that was adopting Josiah) came up to New Jersey from Georgia. His grandparents and David and Brenda came to the house to pick up Josiah and I got to meet her for the first time. You could tell just the way she looked at him how much she loved him. When we picked him up after he spent the day with her, we were telling her how blessed we felt to have him in our lives. I can remember her saying, "We feel just as blessed to have you look after him. You didn't know that when you were praying for him, you were actually praying for me." That felt like she opened the door for us to talk about how great God had been to us. Justin said, "You know, it was our prayer that if Talen ;o) didn't get to stay with us that he would go to a Christian home." "Oh you don't need to worry about that!" she said. "This boy is going to know the Lord. He's going to go to church every Sunday and sing in the choir." I asked her if I could give her a hug. She said she was hoping I would.
I think I cried all the way home. I was so thankful that no matter where he is, he was going to know who God was. To know that God saves and God hears.
A few months later, Fred was dropping him home after a day at his house and he stayed to talk a while. He told us that Brenda was almost done with all of the paperwork that she needed to be approved to get Josiah. My heart sank. I just wasn't ready to lose him, and I didn't want to have to send him on a plane with a case worker that barely knew him. Justin and I went to get family pictures done- something I wanted to do and knew I would regret if we lost him soon and I never did it.
It was a magical time. Molly was a tough baby- nothing like Josiah. She was colicky and would scream if you didn't hold her upright. She knew the second we would sit down and get comfortable. She did her best to make sure that didn't happen often. But for 20 minutes she cooperated and was the cutest little lady when we got our pictures taken.
In December, Fred told us that Brenda wasn't going to be calling the baby Talen. (When we met the dad once, he had told us that the name "Talen" was the name of an old wise dragon, and was also the name of his dead cat. I think once you name your children after your dead pets, your parenting rights should be revoked.) Justin and I looked at eachother. "Go 'head, tell him," I nudged Justin with my shoulder.
"We have sort of been calling him "Josiah," he said tentatively "...when we first got him, they told us we could name him. And once we heard why his dad named him Talen, we didn't want to call him that."
I could feel my cheeks getting red. I felt so bad. He wasn't ours and we treated him like he was.
Fred laughed. "That's okay. Nobody likes that name."
I asked Fred for Brenda's number. Now that our secret was out, I felt the need to explain and apologize to her.
I called her on a Wednesday. I was so nervous as I dialed the number to Georgia. I was relieved when I just got to leave a message. On Saturday, she called me back. She had been busy at her church's daycare and volunteering for meals on wheels. I laughed at myself for thinking she was angry and didn't want to talk to me.
I told her the story of how we prayed about his name and how important it was for us for all of our children to be able to share the goodness of God with others. I told her we would start calling him anything she wanted and how sorry I was for not asking this important question about his name sooner. I felt guilty- like I had stolen such an important honor away from the person that would be raising him.
She said that all of them hated the name Talen. "Listen, all of my grandchildren have Biblical names. You go right ahead and keep calling him Josiah. I don't care what his birth certificate says, or what the state says, or what his parents say, that is his name."
Weeping. Lots of weeping. I tried to hold it in, but it came out in blubbering bursts over the phone. It was an answer to prayer. God told us that that was his name, and now it forever would be. No matter where Josiah went, he would always have something that WE gave to him. I will always be grateful to Brenda for allowing us to have this great honor.
We talked for about a half an hour, sharing prayer requests and me gushing how proud I was of our baby boy. And then she asked a question...
"When I come up to New Jersey to visit, I hate missing worship on Sundays. Could I come to church with you and Justin?"
If I were a cartoon, my mouth would have dropped clear to the floor. My heart just warmed inside of me. I thought back to when we had Josiah dedicated at church back in July when we thought we were going to lose him in a matter of weeks. At the time, Justin and I stood up on the platform and told the story of how we had lost so many babies and how God blessed us with this little boy. Everyone was so happy for us and applauded. But through gushes of tears, Justin told the congregation how they had found a family member who was going to take him. Our Pastor had prayed that somehow Josiah would know Jesus as his Savior one day.
We had a party for him after church at my parents' house. It didn't feel like a celebration to me. It felt like a farewell. Months later, we would find out that he was going to a strong Christian home...
And now Brenda would be coming to church with us. So now everyone could see that God really does save and He really does hear.
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