Justin was teaching 9th grade boys Bible the 2007-2008 school year. One of his students was telling him about the play he was in that fall about George Mueller, a great man of faith who opened the very first orphanages in England. The boy was telling him about how George Mueller prayed for everything- a building, food, workers- and God would supply everything they asked for. On the day that they finally opened the orphanage, they thought that their doors would be flooded with orphans, because there had never been orphanages in that country before. However, hours passed that first day, and there were no children who came. Stunned, they looked around and asked each other, "Did you pray for kids?" None of them had prayed for children! So they started praying and in they came by the dozens! The boy looked at my husband and said, "It reminded me of you and Mrs. Benson." "Why is that?" my husband asked. "It just struck me that you would pray for everything, but would forget that one thing," he said.
He didn't know at the time that we had been trying to start a family for the past six months, but we had never gone to the Lord to ask Him to bless us with children. We figured it would happen in His time, but never actually went to Him and asked. When Justin told me the story, I cried and we prayed together.
The next month we were staring at a positive pregnancy test.
I was so excited that it was finally time to start my family. The minute we found out, I called everyone I knew. We told all of the kids at school and our basketball girls who screamed and squealed and jumped up and down. They were so excited for us. The next two months were filled with planning and looking at baby names and thinking how our lives would change. The baby was due July 21, 2008. A few days before Justin's birthday- what a gift it would be! Our first ultrasound was a thrilling experience. Seeing that little heartbeat was so exciting- that little flicker on the screen knowing that life was growing inside of me.
On December 8th, I started bleeding, knowing something was wrong and praying that it wasn't. Another ultrasound revealed that that little life God had blessed us with had gone to be with Him. I was beyond disappointed. I've never experienced pain like that- where you have to tell yourself to breathe your next breath and hope that somehow your lungs will fill with air. It was hard for Justin, who didn't know how to console me.
The next few weeks were like walking through fog. I could see the look of disappointment on my students' faces who didn't know what to say to me. I choked down tears trying to answer questions from my kindergarteners like, "How do you LOSE a baby? I thought it was in your tummy." "God loved it so much, He just couldn't wait to have the baby with Him in heaven," I said, but I didn't believe it. This did not seem like the action of a loving God. How could He let this happen? I waited for His perfect timing. I had the job He wanted me to have, I was living in the house He wanted me to live in, married to the man He wanted me married to, serving in the church He wanted me to serve in. This was the only thing I wanted for myself. Why would God give me something, then take it away? Why did He even allow me get pregnant in the first place if He knew this was going to happen?
Christmas that year seemed cruel- to have to celebrate a Baby knowing that next Christmas I probably still wouldn't have one myself. Doctors said that we were young and we had plenty of time to have more kids. I didn't want more kids, I thought. I wanted the one I lost. The minute doctors said we could try again, we did.
Another positive pregnancy test. Smiles. Tears. Fear. Hope. Laughing. Crying. Praying. Lips sealed this time. Due November 21st- my birthday. what a gift it would be!
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