My second pregnancy was rough. I was sick all of the time and tired beyond all reason. It was the kind of tired when you feel like all of your marrow has been sucked out of you, and your brain can never find the right word you want your mouth to say. So you say things like..."can you close the glass thing with the screen that's letting all the air in the house? You know...the square thingy that's in the wall.." I hated the smell of popcorn and made Justin eat it outside. Everyone told me that being sick was a good thing- that all the hormone levels were where they were supposed to be. I said to myself, "this better be worth it this time. If I have to go through this all over again for no reason, I'm going to be really upset."
We didn't tell anyone for a month or so. Ultrasounds were terrible to go to. I would get that sick feeling in my stomach thinking something was going to go wrong again. We had a few scares, but time after time, the ultrasounds would show that little kidney bean of a baby was moving her little arm buds and that swooshing heartbeat sound was so strong. I praised God for His goodness to us. For allowing us to get pregnant again so quickly, and for teaching me to trust His perfect timing. I prayed that He would give us the child He knew we so desperately wanted. It was a good lesson to lose the first and know that it happened because THIS was the child He wanted to bless us with.
Lesson learned, God. I'm good now. I trust you. I get it. You're sovereign, I'm not. You know what's best for me, I don't. I know You want me to be a mother. I'll eat right, get plenty of sleep, I'll do what the doctor says and start taking care of this baby you've given me even now. Just let me keep it. Please. I trust you to work all things out for good because I love you and I'm serving you. Don't take this one away again. I don't think I could handle losing another one.
And God said, "Do you trust me? Do you really believe I will work all things out for your greatest good and My greatest glory?"
I said, "Yes, but I want my baby."
He said, "I'd rather you know who I am."
I started bleeding a little bit and my doctor put me on bedrest for 4 weeks until my first trimester was over. Time went by very slowly. I spent a lot of time outside on my porch swing watching birds at my bird feeder. There was something reassuring knowing that these small creatures depended on me somehow. I imagined sitting out there on the porch swing with my baby, rocking back and forth and teaching him or her about all of the names of the birds we would watch together. One day when I was praying outside I said to God, "if everything is going to be ok with this baby, could you send me a cardinal?" (The reason I prayed this was because cardinals were the most common bird I saw.) I waited for an hour and a half and not one cardinal came to my bird feeder or flew overhead. Gold finches, bluejays, sparrows, chickadees, and tuffted titmouses, but no cardinals.
I started bleeding that night, but I didn't tell anyone. I had another ultrasound to go to in a week, which would tell me how silly my prayer was.
But again, in the cold dark ultrasound room I heard the words, "Unfortunately, I don't have good news to tell you...."
I was 14 weeks along. I thought I made it past that scary first trimester when most miscarriages happen, but I didn't. My baby was dead. Another hope crushed. I wanted nothing to do with God or His promises anymore. I was angry. There was no one else to blame but Him. "Leave me alone," I prayed. "There is nothing more I can learn this time that I didn't learn last time. I'm tired. I'm lonely. If you were to take me to Heaven tonight, I'd be okay with it. I just want my babies. I'm tired of being an object lesson to other people. Just leave me alone please."
God didn't answer any of my requests. He loved me too much. And He had better plans than I did.
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