I was so happy to know Josiah was going to a loving Christian home. But the one thing that I was upset about was having to send him all the way to Georgia. It was so far. And even though Brenda said that she was very willing to keep in contact with us, I didn't know how often that would be with my little man living states and states away. And then there was that terrible scene that I kept playing over and over in my mind where his case worker was going to pack him up in the car, pull out of the driveway, and take him on a plane to his forever home. I could imagine how scared he would be flying and I hated thinking that I wasn't going to be the one that would comfort him. He would be in a strange place with a strange person going to a home that he never knew. My eyes would well-up anytime I allowed my thoughts to drift to what would happen that dreadful day.
But God, in his omniscience and grace, was soon going to spare me of that pain.
David, Josiah's brother, turned two and we were invited to his birthday party!!! We felt so honored that we were made to feel a part of their family. We had his presents wrapped and ready for weeks. A set of different kinds of balls and a book about trucks. Its what we would have gotten Josiah if he was turning 2.
I loved seeing Josiah amongst a sea of faces that were like his own. Even Fred's other grandchildren had ears like Josiah! It made me smile. And as painful as it was to think he wasn't going to be a part of our forever family, I knew he had a family that loved him every bit as much as we did.
It was also at the party that I got to meet Josiah's mom for the first time! He looks so much like her. She gave me a hug and a kiss and told me what a great job we were doing. I said, "We just love him to pieces. I feel so lucky that we get to take care of him." I was hoping she would turn around and say, "Well, why don't you just keep him?"
I really need to let that dream die. It's not going to happen. God had better plans than I do. Although, I still tell them to Him from time to time. I expect He smiles and shakes His head and thinks, "If she only knew..."
When Brenda came to the party, we got to sit down with her and have a nice chat. It was then that she surprised us with another answer to prayer. "I have a confession to make." she said. "I'm not just visiting. I was tired of waiting in Georgia, so I moved to New Jersey."
I don't think I said anything for a couple of seconds. I was processing. I was thinking about how long she had already waited and how she was so anxious to have him. How much she loved him that she was willing to leave everything that was comfortable so that she could be with him. And I thought about that silly nightmare that I had wasted dozens and dozens of hours crying over-- that dreadful day he'd be flying states away. And now he wouldn't be. I could deliver him to his new mom.
Now I think about how I get to see her smile. How I get to see him smile at her when I put him in her arms. Honestly, when I think about it, I still cry. But not like before. I cry because I'll miss him, yes, but now a part of me will always be with him- the part that tells him about God's character- that He always saves and He always hears. But I cry because I'm thankful. Thankful to be a part of his life for as long as I did. Thankful that I know Brenda will love him as much as I do. Thankful that I will get to see him grow- not everyday, but on special days that I will tuck away into memory cells in my mind that will forever be freeze framed- just like the very first day I saw him and fell in love. And I am thankful that God can use me. He can use my hurt and my sorrow to bless others.
I don't know if I ever would have fostered children if I never would have lost so many of my own. But I do know if I didn't become a foster mom, I would have looked back on my life and wished that I would have. A lot of people tell me that fostering is something that they could never do- because they wouldn't want to give kids up. Believe me, if it were my choice, I wouldn't give them up either. But if I wouldn't have been obedient to become a foster mom...look what I would have missed! Thousands and thousands of smiles, hundreds of thousands of kisses and cuddles. Laughs. Kissing away tears and boo boos. Bath time. Reading books. Watching him finally learn to roll over, crawl, walk, talk. Dinner time. Watching him scrunch his nose. Watching Justin hold a son, kiss a son, tuck him in, and watch how shocked and panicked he is when Josiah pees on him when he changes his diaper. It never fails to make me laugh. I love that. I wouldn't trade it- not even for having my own children that are now in heaven that are more alive that I am now.
I can finally say I'm glad it happened this way. It took over two years to come to that conclusion. Hundreds of tears and dozens to times shaking my fist at God and asking why. But the "why's" aren't as important as they used to be. I've learned that the things that God allows to happen to me have nothing to do with punishment or reward. When I get to Heaven, I'm not going to be praising God for my husband, my house, my job, my family, or even my children. Those are just all of the things that He uses to teach me more about Himself- his goodness, protection, faithfulness, patience, guidance. When I get to Heaven, I'm going to be praising Him for His character. Who He is. The one thing that never changes.
I can't wait until Molly is old enough to hear the story. I'm going to tell her about the brother she had once that would roll all the way across the floor just so he could hold her hand. And I can't wait until she's big enough to play with Marie. I'm going to teach her that she can love people that don't look like her. That being generous and kind and loving will only teach her more about how much God loves her. And that the river of blessings God flows into her life is only fully felt when she can share it with others.
No comments:
Post a Comment