Chapter eight- In which God saves him and hears us

It was a crazy Friday at school, Fine Arts Day- with students from 6 schools running around the building competing in everything from oil painting and preaching to oboe solos and oration. I was in the science room, which was the epicenter for all things art- drawings, paintings, sewing projects, printmaking, photography, woodworking, crafts, etc. I was in charge of watching all of the judges painstakingly give points to each project.

We had been waiting (not very patiently) for our first call from DYFS. We had been licensed for about a month to take in 1-3 kids ages infant to 3. I was so excited. We had bunk beds, a pack of diapers in sizes 1-4, and one each outfit for boys and girls sizes 12 months to 3T. We were so prepared, I thought. We got a call few weeks ago for a baby, a three year old, and a four year old set of siblings. I'm glad Justin got the call. I would have said yes and found a way to made it work. But knowing I was pregnant, that would have already made our family too large for the car we had, so he sadly had to turn it down. So we waited and waited for another call.

I will never forget the look of excitement on Justin's face when he came in the science room to tell me the news.

"DYFS called," he said. "There's a new born baby. No drugs. No alcohol. Prenatal care. Full term. Bi-racial. And will be up for adoption soon."

"Boy or girl? Boy or girl?" I scrambled the words out.

"Boy."

"What did you tell them?"

"I told them I would talk to you and call them right back."

"Are you crazy?!?!? Call them back! You didn't have to ask me! You know what I'd say!"

"Megan," Justin said patiently, "Let's go pray about it."

We went outside of the school and bowed our heads by the flag pole. After seeking the Lord's direction and will for our family we both lifted our heads at the same time and said, "I feel like it's a 'yes'."

After getting back on the phone with DYFS Justin got more details. The family wasn't mentally capable of handling a baby. There is a history of Turret's syndrome and a few other minor mental issues. The parents wanted an open adoption where they would receive pictures and get to see him a couple of times a year. And...we would get to name him when we picked him up from the hospital on Monday.

I was over-the-moon excited. and then I got nervous.

We didn't even have a crib! All of a sudden I realized...I don't know how to take care of a newborn!!! I frantically was googling "newborn care" and reading "What to Expect the First Year" as fast as my eyes could scan the pages. Most people had 9 months to get ready for a baby, I had 48 hours to nest! On Saturday Justin, my mom, and my best childhood friend Chrissy and I went to Target and bought the entire baby section. Chrissy called her sister-in-law who was over her baby stage in life, and she picked up a huge tupperware container of clothes, a car seat, a swing, a stroller, bottles, and baby-proofing nick-nacks. In less than 24 hours I felt I had been given a baby shower. God was so good. The day was filled with putting together a crib and washing and putting away little boy outfits in drawers.

Justin and I were so busy and exhausted, we went to pick up dinner. In the parking lot of the restaurant I asked him, "Have you thought about any names?"

"I don't know why," he said, "But I like the name Josiah. I just feel like that's the name God wants us to give him."

"I like the name Samuel for a middle name," I said.

While Justin was in the restaurant gettting our dinner, I used his iPhone to go on the internet and look up the meanings of the names.

Josiah- "God will save."

Samuel- "God hears."

I wanted our baby to forever attest to the goodness of God and to have his life be a testimony of how faithful God is to those that love Him. It was the perfect name. God saved him. God heard us.

I couldn't wait to meet him.

March 23, 2009 I would become a mom.

Chapter seven- In which God sends a bird and I walk through every open door

In fourth grade I went through a bird phase. (right between my monkey and dog phase) I loved watching birds come to our many bird feeders I would make out of milk jugs. I remember sitting for hours with binoculars at my window and my bird book by my side. My dad would teach me all the names of the species and how to identify the sounds each would make. We would sit on the back porch after dinner in the summer and he would teach me how to call to the bob white and whippoorwill. It seemed like magic when they would call back when we would whistle to them.

And there was something about the colors. New Jersey has very brown and gray winters. With not a lot of snow, bare trees, and cloudy days it can be a dismal and depressing time of the year. But somehow the birds God would send our way were sun spots on dreary days. The bright yellow of the goldfinch and that peachy color right underneath the wings of the tufted titmouse. The crimson red of the male cardinal and the orangey-red part of the beak of his partner, the deep blue cerulean of the blue jay.

(Something tells me this may have been the reason I didn't have a lot of friends as a child. I may or may not have been a bit of a weirdo. Praise the Lord Justin didn't know me until I was 14!)

Then in the summer before I went to eighth grade, "Sister Act 2" came out. My sisters and I were obsessed with the movie. We got the soundtrack and would belt it out during car rides. My favorite song was "His Eye is on the Sparrow," and I sang it for my eighth grade graduation.

When Justin and I finally got our house, I couldn't wait to put up bird feeders, and Justin got me a bird bath for mother's day during my second pregnancy. (Something I had wanted for a while.)

All this to say I like birds. (Which would somewhat explain why I was watching birds and prayed my "cardinal prayer." Make sure to read part 4.)

In January of 2009 I took another pregnancy test and it was positive. Baby number 5. At the time doctors told me that I had a 40% chance of actually getting past the first trimester, and if I did, it would be a high risk pregnancy because of my condition, and there was a good chance I would be delivering early. That's dumb, I thought. If God wants this baby born, this baby has a 100% chance, and if He doesn't, it's 0%. I love how doctors think they know what they're talking about.

I called the fertility clinic (they monitor the pregnancy for the first 8 weeks) and they told me to come in for blood work. Results showed my hsg levels were good, and as they continued to take and test more blood, the numbers doubled every 48 hours. After a few weeks of my levels doubling, doubling and doubling again, I had my first ultrasound.

I hate ultrasounds. Let it be known.

"The baby should be 5 weeks along at this point," they said. As they were examining, I watched the black and white screen, looking for that flicker of a heartbeat and waiting for the "swoosh-swoosh-swoosh" sound. I saw nothing. I heard nothing. I got that sick feeling in my stomach again. Not again, God. Please.

"There are two possibilities," the doctor spoke in a thick middle-eastern accent. "Either you are one week earlier than you think you are, or there is no baby. Come back next week for more bloodwork, and we'll see." Great options. I was never early. I could tell you the exact day I got pregnant. I wanted to punch him. He printed out a picture of my nothingness and handed it to me. Thanks a lot. Another reminder of how empty I am and how pregnant I'm not.

I was proud of myself that I choked down tears until I got out of the building. It was a cold, gray, dreary New Jersey winter day. It made sense that the sun wouldn't shine on a day like today. I buckled my seatbelt, threw the ultrasound picture in the glove compartment, and we pulled out of the parking lot. As we approached the end of the driveway, my eye caught a glimpse of color in my world of encroaching gray.

The thicket across the street was covered in bright red cardinals.

I felt God say, "If my eye is on the sparrow, how much more do I care for you?"

I pushed that silly prayer aside. It was the prayer that I prayed nine months ago. The picture showed nothing. No baby. I wasn't getting my hopes up.

I got my blood work done again on a Friday. The office said they would call Saturday morning to tell me my results. I could barely sleep that night and I held the phone in my hand all morning. I wasn't doing anything until they called. I wasn't going to eat, get dressed, or start my day until the phone rang. It was 1:00 and I looked at Justin, "Didn't they say they were only open in the morning on Saturdays?" "Yes," he said with sad eyes not wanting to disappoint me. I called about 7 times, hearing the recorded voice on the other side reading their office hours. It was closed. I figured they would have called if it was good news.

I got up from the couch and took a shower. I was in the bathroom for a long time, sobbing uncontrollably, the window fogged up from the cold stale air outside and the hot steam of the water that was running for longer than it should. "Why, God, do I have to do this again?" I prayed. Chuckling to myself I through my tears I said, "Hey God...do you want to send me a cardinal to show me the baby's going to be ok?"

I cleared a small circle of condensation off of the bathroom window with the sleeve of my bathrobe. As I peered through it I could see my birdbath. Just as I let the words leave my lips, a small brown female cardinal landed on it. "No God," I said,"not good enough. A bright red male. That's what I need to see." No sooner had I prayed those words that a male chased the female away and landed on the exact spot she was perched a moment ago.

Justin knocked on the door with the phone in his hand.

"Levels look good, Laura," they said. "Come in Monday for another ultrasound and you will be able to see your baby."

They were right. The ultrasound revealed two tiny flickering pixels on the screen. I finally knew that this was the one God was waiting to give us. "I'll keep walking through every open door until I finally become a mom," I told God.

Three months later after the ultrasound, after my first trimester was over, we got our call for our first foster child placement.

God never closed any doors this time.

Chapter six- In which God says, "Soon" and I get really excited

It was during this time that I started my "Psalms Illustrated" journal. (see Introduction) I couldn't wait to see how God was going to reveal Himself to me next. Everyday was the day I might find out why I had to have two miscarriages to become who I was supposed to be. I loved going through Psalms chapter by chapter and finding out who God was, and being able to relate his character to tangible things like a shield, rock, fortress, or hiding place.

Still, I felt singed. I was reclusive. I hated being around women with babies. There was not an isle at Target or a row of people at church or a check out line in the grocery store that was void of women with swollen stomachs that held the promise of new life. Seeing them made me feel so empty, so incapable of being who I knew in my heart I was supposed to be. Most married women get pregnant and have babies. I wanted to be one of them.

No one knew what to say to me and I hated making people uncomfortable. Some people would say things like, "I knew a lady once who had 7 miscarriages- then she had 2 sets of twins!" Good for her, I'd think. Why don't you rub it in? Some people would ignore me, which felt worse. Mostly I just wanted to know that people were praying for me. That comforted me.

We had our third miscarriage in July of 2008. I was thankful that the baby never was old enough to have an ultrasound taken of it. Just one more picture to come across one day and cry over. It hurt to lose this one, but not as much as the first two. Maybe it was because I guarded my heart a little more and tried not to get my hopes up. In any case, the loss of this third one made me get proactive. My older sister, Amy, was going through the foster care system in South Carolina to adopt a child of her own. She kept nudging me for the past year to get my paperwork going to work on the adoption process myself. I finally felt ready. If God wasn't going to bless me with a child of my own, I knew there were plenty of children who needed a loving mother. And I was going to be one of them. I looked up the Department of Youth and Family Services of New Jersey online, and sent an email saying I was interested in becoming a foster parent. We got our first phone call in October 2008 and began the long arduous process of paperwork, classes, getting fingerprints done, home inspections, and interviews.

At the same time, Justin and I went to an infertility clinic to see what may be going wrong with our growing list of unborn babies. I told God I was going to walk through every open door to become a mother until He closed one. Tests results concluded that I had a unicoruate uterus, a condition that meant I only had half of a normal-sized womb. Chances were very slim that even if I got pregnant, it would be likely I could carry a baby to term. I was heartbroken. But at the same time excited to be a foster parent.

"What if you get pregnant again?" my mom asked. "Do you still want to be a foster parent?"

"I'm not letting pregnancy stop me from being a mom," I said. Strange statement, but true.

Justin and I took parenting classes in December 2008. There were five other people in the class, four of us becoming fost-adopt parents, and three who were doing kinship care, in which they were adopting a family member. There was a man named Fred there who was working on adopting his eleven month old grandson, David. I remember at one point in the class he took out his cell phone and passed it around to show the rest of the class how adorable he was. He really was. Three classes done and done. January would be our home inspection, February our interviews and then we just had to wait for the call for a child who would be needing a home!

I prayed that the experience of becoming a foster mom would bring me closer to the person God had created me to be. Seeking God's character in all of my circumstances now, I prayed that through this experience He would teach me more about Himself.

In December we lost baby number four. I almost didn't care. I was going to be a mom soon. Finally.

Chapter five- in which God says, "Be still" and I finally say nothing

On the night before my D&C, right after I had told God to leave me alone, I had a dream. (Now, I'm not one of those freaky-deaky people that have visions. I'm not a weirdo. I promise.) But this was a very real and very vivid dream- one that God would use to get my attention because I wouldn't listen any other way.


I was sitting by a river. I felt the cool mist rising from the water and hitting my face, hear the water as it gently licked the smooth river rocks, and smell the crisp morning air. I felt comfortable and safe. Something was compelling me to dip my feet into the water, but I pushed the feeling aside, and told myself that I just wanted to watch for a while. After a few minutes, a man appeared, wading up to his knees in the river. It was as if he knew this stream would take him to his destination, but he was still enjoying every step of his journey as he looked down and watched the clear water pass over his toes. He slowly turned his head, just as content to look at me as the water. He smiled, and said with kind eyes, "Megan, what makes you glad?"

"Well, a lot of things make me happy," I said. "I love my husband, and my family. My friends, my talents, my house. My sisters, my education...." and I talked and talked and talked, listing everything in my life that had blessed me.

"Megan," He said patiently, "If you put your happiness in people and circumstances, when they change, you're not going to be happy anymore."

"Well," I said indignantly, "What am I supposed to be happy about?"

He smiled and in a voice that sounded like it was both spoken and whispered at the same time said, ""The character of God. Because it never changes."


I woke up from the dream the second after those chilling words were uttered. I was angry. "God, I told you I didn't want to talk to you anymore." He must of smiled at me. He patiently waited until I was ready to speak to me again.

I tried and tried and tried to forget about the dream, attempting to shove in into the corners of my mind where I couldn't recall every last detail. But it wouldn't go away. Over and over the word that kept repeating itself was the word, "Glad." Why did He use that word, I thought. "Megan, what makes you glad?" he said. Why not "happy"? Why not "feel blessed"? Or "what do you love?" What was it about that one word that was unsettling? "Go away, thoughts," I said. "It doesn't matter. It was just a stupid dream."

Finally, feeling so overcome by wanting so badly to learn why this may have happened to me once again, wanting a reason, an explanation, I gave in. I went to my Bible. Before my dream, I told God I wasn't going to read it ever again. He must have smiled. He knew exactly what He was doing.

I went to the back of my Bible- the concordance -and found the word "glad." The first verse that was listed was Psalm 46:4. It reads,

"There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God, the place where the most high dwells."

(Are you getting God-bumps yet? Because I totally did when I read the verse.) The footnotes in my study Bible said that the river represents innumerable blessings that God allows in your life.

It made me think about the word glad and what it means. When used in context, it means "to be happy now for something that happened in the past." As in: "I'm glad you came. I'm glad you said that, etc." And it hit me. There would come a day when I would be glad that this happened to me. It wasn't going to be anytime in the near future, I knew that. But one day, I was going to look back at my life and be glad that I lost this baby. God was going to use it somehow to bring glory to Himself. I didn't know how. And I thought, "Maybe this baby would not have lived, and God knew that I wouldn't have been able to lose it later." And I was thankful for what God may have saved me from. And then I thought, "The children that I will have later will only be here because this one child isn't." And then I was thankful for what God saved me for. And then I said to God, "Thank you for loving me, for knowing what is best. If you choose not to bless me with children, I'm glad that atleast I know that I am your child." And then I was thankful that God saved me at all.

Gladness: Being thankful for what God saved you from.

Hope: Being thankful for what God saved you for.

Peace: Being thankful that God saved you at all.

We found out that we had lost a little girl. We named her Maggie which means "a pearl." She was our pearl of great price. The one who gave her life so that others could live. I can't wait to meet her. She has blond hair and blue eyes. I know that because I had a dream that she was playing and picking flowers with birds flying overhead

near a river.

Chapter four- In which God says, "Trust Me" and I roll my eyes

My second pregnancy was rough. I was sick all of the time and tired beyond all reason. It was the kind of tired when you feel like all of your marrow has been sucked out of you, and your brain can never find the right word you want your mouth to say. So you say things like..."can you close the glass thing with the screen that's letting all the air in the house? You know...the square thingy that's in the wall.." I hated the smell of popcorn and made Justin eat it outside. Everyone told me that being sick was a good thing- that all the hormone levels were where they were supposed to be. I said to myself, "this better be worth it this time. If I have to go through this all over again for no reason, I'm going to be really upset."

We didn't tell anyone for a month or so. Ultrasounds were terrible to go to. I would get that sick feeling in my stomach thinking something was going to go wrong again. We had a few scares, but time after time, the ultrasounds would show that little kidney bean of a baby was moving her little arm buds and that swooshing heartbeat sound was so strong. I praised God for His goodness to us. For allowing us to get pregnant again so quickly, and for teaching me to trust His perfect timing. I prayed that He would give us the child He knew we so desperately wanted. It was a good lesson to lose the first and know that it happened because THIS was the child He wanted to bless us with.

Lesson learned, God. I'm good now. I trust you. I get it. You're sovereign, I'm not. You know what's best for me, I don't. I know You want me to be a mother. I'll eat right, get plenty of sleep, I'll do what the doctor says and start taking care of this baby you've given me even now. Just let me keep it. Please. I trust you to work all things out for good because I love you and I'm serving you. Don't take this one away again. I don't think I could handle losing another one.

And God said, "Do you trust me? Do you really believe I will work all things out for your greatest good and My greatest glory?"

I said, "Yes, but I want my baby."

He said, "I'd rather you know who I am."

I started bleeding a little bit and my doctor put me on bedrest for 4 weeks until my first trimester was over. Time went by very slowly. I spent a lot of time outside on my porch swing watching birds at my bird feeder. There was something reassuring knowing that these small creatures depended on me somehow. I imagined sitting out there on the porch swing with my baby, rocking back and forth and teaching him or her about all of the names of the birds we would watch together. One day when I was praying outside I said to God, "if everything is going to be ok with this baby, could you send me a cardinal?" (The reason I prayed this was because cardinals were the most common bird I saw.) I waited for an hour and a half and not one cardinal came to my bird feeder or flew overhead. Gold finches, bluejays, sparrows, chickadees, and tuffted titmouses, but no cardinals.

I started bleeding that night, but I didn't tell anyone. I had another ultrasound to go to in a week, which would tell me how silly my prayer was.

But again, in the cold dark ultrasound room I heard the words, "Unfortunately, I don't have good news to tell you...."

I was 14 weeks along. I thought I made it past that scary first trimester when most miscarriages happen, but I didn't. My baby was dead. Another hope crushed. I wanted nothing to do with God or His promises anymore. I was angry. There was no one else to blame but Him. "Leave me alone," I prayed. "There is nothing more I can learn this time that I didn't learn last time. I'm tired. I'm lonely. If you were to take me to Heaven tonight, I'd be okay with it. I just want my babies. I'm tired of being an object lesson to other people. Just leave me alone please."

God didn't answer any of my requests. He loved me too much. And He had better plans than I did.

Chapter three- In which God says "wait longer" and I say, "You must not love me."

Justin was teaching 9th grade boys Bible the 2007-2008 school year. One of his students was telling him about the play he was in that fall about George Mueller, a great man of faith who opened the very first orphanages in England. The boy was telling him about how George Mueller prayed for everything- a building, food, workers- and God would supply everything they asked for. On the day that they finally opened the orphanage, they thought that their doors would be flooded with orphans, because there had never been orphanages in that country before. However, hours passed that first day, and there were no children who came. Stunned, they looked around and asked each other, "Did you pray for kids?" None of them had prayed for children! So they started praying and in they came by the dozens! The boy looked at my husband and said, "It reminded me of you and Mrs. Benson." "Why is that?" my husband asked. "It just struck me that you would pray for everything, but would forget that one thing," he said.

He didn't know at the time that we had been trying to start a family for the past six months, but we had never gone to the Lord to ask Him to bless us with children. We figured it would happen in His time, but never actually went to Him and asked. When Justin told me the story, I cried and we prayed together.

The next month we were staring at a positive pregnancy test.

I was so excited that it was finally time to start my family. The minute we found out, I called everyone I knew. We told all of the kids at school and our basketball girls who screamed and squealed and jumped up and down. They were so excited for us. The next two months were filled with planning and looking at baby names and thinking how our lives would change. The baby was due July 21, 2008. A few days before Justin's birthday- what a gift it would be! Our first ultrasound was a thrilling experience. Seeing that little heartbeat was so exciting- that little flicker on the screen knowing that life was growing inside of me.

On December 8th, I started bleeding, knowing something was wrong and praying that it wasn't. Another ultrasound revealed that that little life God had blessed us with had gone to be with Him. I was beyond disappointed. I've never experienced pain like that- where you have to tell yourself to breathe your next breath and hope that somehow your lungs will fill with air. It was hard for Justin, who didn't know how to console me.

The next few weeks were like walking through fog. I could see the look of disappointment on my students' faces who didn't know what to say to me. I choked down tears trying to answer questions from my kindergarteners like, "How do you LOSE a baby? I thought it was in your tummy." "God loved it so much, He just couldn't wait to have the baby with Him in heaven," I said, but I didn't believe it. This did not seem like the action of a loving God. How could He let this happen? I waited for His perfect timing. I had the job He wanted me to have, I was living in the house He wanted me to live in, married to the man He wanted me married to, serving in the church He wanted me to serve in. This was the only thing I wanted for myself. Why would God give me something, then take it away? Why did He even allow me get pregnant in the first place if He knew this was going to happen?

Christmas that year seemed cruel- to have to celebrate a Baby knowing that next Christmas I probably still wouldn't have one myself. Doctors said that we were young and we had plenty of time to have more kids. I didn't want more kids, I thought. I wanted the one I lost. The minute doctors said we could try again, we did.

Another positive pregnancy test. Smiles. Tears. Fear. Hope. Laughing. Crying. Praying. Lips sealed this time. Due November 21st- my birthday. what a gift it would be!

Chapter two- In which God says, "wait" and I cross my arms, furrow my brow and say, "humph."

Justin is a kind, compassionate, generous, helpful man who puts me second only to God. I couldn't wait to be his wife, not just because I'd been dating forever and was ready to move onto the next phase of my life, but because I knew that if I spent enough time with him, his Godliness would rub off on me and I would be more conformed to the image of Christ if I were to walk life's adventures alongside of him. I knew he would be the kind of father to my children that I always wanted for myself. And he loved children just as much as I did. Man of my dreams. Check.



Right after we got married, we bought a small 2-bedroom condo about twenty minutes away from both of our parents. It was such a cute quaint little place- with a fireplace and balcony and a galley kitchen. We made a loft in the second bedroom and below it I set up a little art studio. I always imagined the day when I'd put all my art stuff in storage and set up a crib in that little room. The condo was a perfect size. Big enough to spread out and have my own space for things, but small enough to tidy-up in about a half an hour. Justin was teaching in a Christian school and I was an aide in a 5 to 8 year old special needs classroom. I loved my job- taking care of special needs kids was so much fun. A lesson in learning to love "the least of these" and putting my own comforts aside to take care of their daily needs such as feeding and diapering.


After a year and a half or so, I approached Justin about wanting to start a family. "I'm ready to go on maternity leave," I said. "Having kids will be a good break from working, and I just can't wait to be a mom." Justin didn't think that was a good reason to have kids. He greatly protested after convincing me that we didn't have enough money to buy a house and we needed a house before we could start filling a home with kids. My mom said that I should work on having a "career" and not just a "job" before I had kids so when they went to school, I would have a good source of income.

So that was the direction I started praying in. The only thing I wanted besides children was to be an art teacher and live in Port Republic where I had grown up. Those two prayer requests seemed an impossibility because 1- I did not have a teaching certificate, only an art degree, and 2- houses in Port Republic were so far beyond what we could possibly afford it seemed ridiculous to daydream about it considering my meager salary and the Christian school salary that Justin was being paid. Still I prayed. God said , "just wait."

Two years before we got married, my parents were driving down their street and there was a For Sale sign on the house on the corner. "We need to buy that house," my dad said to my mom. "I don't want another house," she said. "I have a house." "Megan and Justin might need a house someday." he said unbeknownst to me. "We can subdivide the land, and they can build one." They tried to subdivide their 55 acres that they now owned, but between Wetlands, the Pinelands Commission, and having endangered species on the property there wasn't a single acre of buildable land.

After two and a half years of marriage my mom approached me and said, "Look, your father and I bought a house down the street a few years ago." Since then they had been renting it out. "I was going to sell it to have money for my retirement one day, but I would rather have grandchildren living close to me. I will sell it to you for the amount I paid for it five years ago." It was a cute yellow farm house built in the 1850's surrounded by 20 acres of land. I could not believe it! It seemed impossible. We sold our condo for a $40,000 profit and bought the house from my parents for a fraction of what it should have cost us. The mortgage payments and taxes on the house were just a little more than our mortgage on the condo and the condo fee was! God was awesome. He provided. House of my dreams. Check.

Right before we sold the condo the headmaster of my high school (The Pilgrim Academy) approached Justin and said they were trying to find an art teacher for the following school year, and to ask and see if I was interested. After talking with him, I told him that I only had a degree in art, not a teaching certificate. He said that the school would be willing to work with me and that I could take certification classes after school during my first year of teaching. I was elated. God is good. Career of my dreams. Check.



Justin and I worked at Pilgrim together for three years. We coached our varsity girls basketball team together, served in our church's children's ministry together. I absolutely loved teaching- talking about God and art- the most amazing thing ever. It was April 2007 and the timing FINALLY seemed perfect to finally start a family. God said, "just wait."

I wish I could say I did that patiently, but I didn't.

Chapter one- In which God gives me the need to nurture and I tell Him my plans

God has been teaching me so much about His character lately. Not just in the Psalms- but through illustrating his character I've read in the Psalms in my own life. I wanted to be sure to have this account written down somewhere, so I’m going to take a little break from sharing my drawings, and illustrate who God has become in my life in a few installments of stories. When I stared to write this down, I was surprised to see where God actually began the story- so much longer ago than I had originally thought. So here goes...

I am amazed by God’s goodness, grateful that he doesn’t always answer my prayer, and satisfied knowing that when I am obedient, He pours out innumerable blessings into my life and to those who are around me.


The beginning of this story starts long ago when God impressed upon my life that I wanted to be a mom. First and foremost, I had the world’s most amazing mother and I wanted to be just like her. When my two sisters and I would ask her, “Why did you marry dad?” she would answer, “so I could have you, of course!”

That gave me the impression at a very early age that the only reason you got married was so you could have children! That’s what I wanted to do- to grow up and have kids and be like my mother.

When we were young, my family did not have a lot of money, and my mom was determined to give us our own dolls for Christmas one year. She couldn't afford to buy us dolls, nor did she have money to buy white fabric. The only material she had at the time was was yellow and brown. So she made my older sister Amy an asian doll and I got an african doll. They were beautifully crafted with embroidered faces and thick black yarn for their hair. It was my most favorite doll. I named her Marie. I don’t have a lot of memories of playing with dolls other than her. With knowing I couldn’t pretend that she was actually my baby and probably watching Annie too many times than I can count, I used to play “orphanage” with her where I would rescue her from a life of living with a bunch of mean girls and would take her home to be my own. Without knowing it, I think this is the most wonderful doll my mom could have given me. What a lesson in compassion and generosity to learn that you can love a person that doesn’t look like you! My mom would teach us how to dress and hold them, how to swaddle them in blankets, and how to kiss and tuck them in at night. I really think this is where my desire to be a mom came from...and quite prophetic that Amy and I would be two people who would take in kids from the foster care system one day.

Growing up I always had the need to mother something. I was obsessed with taking care of living things and the list of pets that I owned contains the following: dogs, cats, fish, finches, a cockatiel, a guinea pig, a lizard, a grow-a-frog (you know, the mail-order tadpole you get in this rectangular cube of a tank and you watch it grow into a frog), rabbits, a pony named Daisy, an iguana (which actually belonged to my sister Robin, but I’m going to count it anyway), I hatched chicks in my bedroom and raised them in my bathroom, and two horses. I was a 4-H girl and just loved knowing that I was in charge of taking care of something that depended on me.


I was always the mother of the group too. I can clearly remember playing “family” on the playground in first grade, and I would always be chosen to play the role of mom. In college, I always had the dorm room that people would come to when then needed a study break. They would be greeted with a cup of tea and good conversation. I just loved taking care of people and knowing their needs were met. I also found a family in college that had 9 kids in it- ages infant to 15. Instead of going out on dates sometimes in college, my then-boyfriend Justin and I would take seven of the kids out for a swim in the college pool and out for ice cream. I just couldn’t wait to get married and have kids. It was my calling in life.

Still, I knew I had to be somewhat patient. It was the steadfast rule in my house that we had to graduate from college before we got married or my parents would not pay for college. When I was in eighth grade, my mother was my was my Sunday School teacher and she asked us to draw a picture of ourselves in 10 years. I was 13 at the time. I drew a picture of myself with a graduation cap and a HUGE gown and wrote the date June 15, 2004 underneath the picture. My mom looked at it and said, "Megan, why did you draw yourself so fat?" I said, "Mom- I'm not fat. I'm wearing my wedding gown underneath my cap and gown. That way, I can go from my graduation right to my wedding ceremony and not waste any time!"

I met my husband-to-be the following year in high school, dated for 7 and a half years and got married a month after I graduated college. I didn't quite have my gradu-wedding like I had planned, but it was close. Justin and I got married June 18, 2004. I don't mess around. I needed to get married before I became a mother.

Psalm Sixteen: My Cup is Full

"Keep me safe, O God, for in you I take refuge. I said to the LORD, "You are my LORD, apart from you I have no good thing." v.1-2
"Lord you have assigned me my portion and my cup; you have made my lot secure. The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places; surely I have a delightful inheritance." v. 5-6


Dear God, we will bear much fruit if we remain steadfast in the safety of Your Word.

NIV note in my Bible says, "The cup refers to what the host offers to his guests to drink. To the godly God offers a cup of blessing."

The three things the psalmist enjoys is
*Safety and protection now
*blessing during life
*an eternal inheritance to come

Psalm Fifteen: Getting to the Holy Hill

"LORD, who may dwell in your sanctuary? Who may live on your holy hill?

He whose walk is blameless and who does what is righteous, who speaks the truth from his heart and has no slander on his tongue. Who does his neighbor no wrong and casts no slur on his fellowman, who despises a vile man, but honors those who fear the LORD. Who keeps his oath even when it hurts. Who lends his money without usery and does not accept a bribe against the innocent.

He who does these things will never be shaken." v. 1-5

The psalmist warns his readers to live a righteous life as they walk the path to where God leads them. To do so, he gives advice on conduct, speech, who to invest their time with, and how to spend their wealth. We will know how to live and not be shaken from our path if we find and follow the truth of God's word.

Psalm Fourteen: Growing in the Right Direction

"The fool says in his heart, 'There is no God,' they are corrupt, their deeds are vile; there is no one who does good. The LORD looks down from heaven on the sons of men to see if there are any who understand, any who seek God."
v. 1-2
"[Evildoers] are overwhelmed with dread, for God is present in the company of the righteous." v. 5


It is easier to be overwhelmed with dread when we are not in the company of our Creator.

Psalm Thirteen: Light to My Eyes

"How long, O LORD? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me? How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and every day have sorrow in my heart? How long will the enemy triumph over me? Look on me and answer, O LORD my God. Give light to my eyes or I will sleep in death; my enemy will say, 'I have overcome him.' and my foes will rejoice when I fall."

"But I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation. I will sing to the LORD, for he had been good to me." v. 1-6

Regardless if God sheds light on our suffering or not, we are always able to rejoice in our salvation He has given us.

Psalm Twelve: Words Like Silver

"Help, LORD, for the godly are no more; the faithful have vanished from among men. Everyone lies to his neighbor; their flattering lips speak with deception." v. 1-2

"'Because of the oppression of the weak and the groaning of the needy, I will now arise,' says the LORD. 'I will protect them from those who malign them.'

And the words of the the LORD are flawless, like silver refined in a furnace of clay purified seven times." v. 5-6

The psalmist compared the lying words of the ungodly to the perfect flawless words of God. The way God will protect us from lies is to infiltrate us with His truth.

Psalm Eleven: God Loves Justice

"In the LORD I take refuge..." v.1a

"For look, the wicked bend their bows; they set their arrows against the strings to shoot from the shadows at the upright in heart. When the foundations are being destroyed what can the righteous do?" v. 2-3

"On the wicked he will rain fiery colas and burning sulfur, a scorching wind will be their lot. For the LORD is righteous, he loves justice, upright men will see his face." v. 6-7

The psalmist asks God what he can do when the enemy crushes the very foundation of their spirit. The answer is NOTHING. God is the one who will destroy our affliction with more force and punishment than we ourselves can fathom. Therefore, we should not think it is our responsibility to retaliate. In addition, God promises us a gift of seeing His face and knowing Him deeper when the attack is finished.

Psalm Ten: God Protects, God Provides

"He lies in wait like a lion in cover, he lies in wait to catch the helpless and drags them off in his net." v. 7

"The LORD is king forever and ever, the nations will perish from his land. You hear, o LORD the desire of the afflicted. You encourage them, and listen to their cry, defending the fatherless and the oppressed in order that man, who is of the earth, may terrify no more." v. 16-18

In this Psalm, the King does not take the threat of the oppressor away. Instead, he protects the psalmist from it, and therefore takes the sting of fear away from him.

I would rather be in the protecting and nurturing hands of my Heavenly Father, than safe from any oppression where I do not see the need for Him.

Psalm Nine: In the Stronghold, I will praise Him

"I will praise you, O LORD, with all my heart; I will tell of all your wonders. I will be glad and rejoice in you; I will sing praise to your name, O most high." v. 1-2
"The LORD is the refuge for the oppressed, and stronghold in times of trouble. Those who know your name will trust in you, for you, LORD, have never forsaken those who seek you." v. 9-10

I will be in a place of complete worship when I realize what You have saved me from and what You have saved me for. Recounting what You have done in my past will give me hope in what You will do in the future. For that to happen, I need to be searching Your Word for Your promises- past and present- to those you love.

In this drawing, the stumbling stones along the path and prickly trees represent the hardships God allows in our lives to help us focus on the goal- worshiping Him. In the fortress (stronghold) at the top, I drew the parting of the red sea, the cross, and the ark. These are all stories in the Bible that should allow us to see how God has worked in His peoples' lives in the past, and it should give us hope of how He will show Himself faithful to us in the future.

Psalm Eight: We Serve a Creative Creator!

"Oh LORD, our LORD, how majestic is your name in all the earth! You have set your glory above the heavens."
v. 1
"When I consider the heavens, the work of your fingers, the moon and the stars, which you have set in place. What is man that you are mindful of him, the son of man that you care for him? You made him a little lower than the heavenly beings and crowned him with glory and honor. You made him ruler over the works of your hands. You put everything under his feet. all the flocks and herds and the beasts of the field, the birds of the air, and the fish of the sea, all that swim the paths of seas." v. 3-8

There is a poster in my art room that says:

"God created creatures that creatively create from creation."

God, I know you love me when I look at creation because you didn't have to make things beautiful...but You did because You wanted all things good to point to you- the Creator.

Psalm Seven: God is my Shield

"Oh LORD my God, I take refuge in you; save and deliver me from all who pursue me, or they will tear me like a lion and rip me to pieces with no one to rescue me." v. 1-2
"My shield is God Most High, who saves the upright in heart." v. 10

My enemies come in many forms- pride, doubt, hopelessness, self-pity,...

I'm glad I can hide in the Truth of His Word and His hope when times are hard
and when they are not.

Psalm Six: "God" in times of plenty, "Lord" in times of want

"O LORD, do not rebuke me in your anger or discipline me in your wrath. Be merciful to me, LORD, for I am faint. O LORD, heal me for my bones are in agony." v. 1
"The LORD has heard my cry for mercy; the LORD accepts my prayer." v. 9

I find I am more likely to cry out to God for help when I am in the most pain. I admit, like the Psalmist here, that He is in control of my life, and not myself. (It's funny how when things are going well I'm not as likely to claim God as "sovereign.") By calling Him "Lord," we are recognizing his sovereignty. Here in this passage, the Psalmist recognizes that he can no longer rely on himself for relief, and reassures himself that God does indeed hear him.

In our lowest times, we realize how far away we are from God and are in need of His mercy. Could it be that had we not reached that point, we would have never realized how much we need God?

Psalm Five: Silent Night, Holy Morning

"Give ear to my words, O LORD,
consider my sighing.
Listen to my cry for help, my King and my God,
for to you I pray.
In the morning, O LORD, you hear my voice;
in the morning I lay my requests before you and wait in expectation." v. 1-3


I found it interesting the progression from chapter four to five.

Keeping silent
Sleeping knowing God is in control
Asking God to listen
Sighing
Crying to a God who is Sovereign
Acknowledging that God is listening
Requesting
Waiting
Expecting

It is interesting what perspective can bring when God sheds his light on our suffering and turns it into something that glorifies Himself.

In this drawing, the smooth path represents the way we know we are supposed to go that is directed by God's leading toward Himself (the sun). However, we are forced to go through a deep dark time represented by the trees. In them are hidden words such as "pain, doubt, why, etc." The morning sun is dispelling clouds, or the night's darkness that appears to be surrounding us.