Chapter 36: Bonding Evaluation #2

Our scheduled appointment was at 12:00, and in usual DYFS fashion, we were misinformed and our actual appointment was at 1:30.  We got to the big scary DYFS office building at 11:45, signed the clipboard to document our arrival time, and waited patiently.  Josiah did not.  I had put him down for a nap in the morning, and I don't think he actually slept.  I could sense the impending melt-down of a non-napped 17 month old.  I was praying they could take us quickly, and finally when Josiah's brother and grand parents were finished with their evaluation, the psychologist was able to see us at 12:30.

During the 45 minutes we waited, Josiah explored the hallway of mirrored ceilings and walls and waved and blew kisses at passers-by.  He was a hit.  I was a beaming proud mama.  We also saw Josiah's aunt pull in the parking lot around 12:15.  I texted her yesterday to tell that we were on at 12:00 and she was scheduled for 1:00.  I was glad they called us in before she came into the building.  I was not in the mood for chit-chatting.    

At 12:30 the psychologist comes into the waiting area to greet us.  She is wearing open-toed shinny black sandals that click on the dull tile floor, a black and white polka dot dress, and a string of pearls.  She has a round face and a half-gray, half-blond hair, well styled in a bob, and her face has well worn smile wrinkles.  She has a laptop set up at the end of a long table and invites us to sit down.   She explains the purpose the evaluation in a professional tone, pointing to each section of a contract with the back of her pen as she reads it.  She tells us that the evaluation will last an hour and half and that all the information she will gather today can be used in court.   

  We each sign and date the paperwork and the barrage of questions start. What a difference between a state psychologist and one that is from private practice!  I feel she is there to get a true picture of who we are and why we are foster parents.  She cares to know about Josiah’s relationship with Molly and with his biological family.  She asks about his development, how he behaves when he comes home from visitation, and about his daily routine.

She asks us about ourselves- what we do for a living, why we chose to foster, and why we want to adopt Josiah.  She figures out our ages and after asking our birthdays.  She has raised eyebrows, making it appear uncommon for people of our age to be in this situation.  She asks us about our history together.  We tell her that we’ve been dating since 9th grade.  I make the usual joke, “After seven and a half years of dating, I was too tired to have to break-in another boy, so I just married this one.”  I roll my eyes jokingly and point over my shoulder with my thumb to Justin who is playing blocks with Josiah on the floor.  And Justin chimes in, “I always tell my 9th grade Bible guys that I teach, ‘The only talent I have is picking a good wife.’ I married up.”

By golly, we are charming.   

After she is satisfied with the overall picture she has gathered, I go sit with Josiah and Justin on the floor.  We read books, sing songs, show off all our animal sounds.  She rarely looks up from her laptop.  I try to ignore the click-click-clicking of her typing.  I can only imagine she is recording everything we do and say. 

Josiah starts getting extremely cranky.  I look up at the clock and it is 1:00.  I chuckle to myself and regret asking for prayer in my last post for a “not happy kid at 1:00.”  Serves me right. I explain how over-due he was for his nap.  The doctor frowns and furrows her eyebrows sympathetically.  Josiah gets extremely clingy and pathetic.  The doctor asks Justin and me to leave the room for a minute and sit out the waiting room.  The instant the door closes behind us, Josiah starts crying.  Awesome.  She opens the door, he runs to us, I scoop him up, and he stops crying.  (Did you see that, doctor lady?)

We go back into the room and she tells us that we are finished.  I ask her if we’ll get to know the results of her findings.  She says, “I can’t tell you how the judge will rule in the case.  It’s a possibility that Talen (aka Josiah) may go back to his family because he is so young, but if he does, you have given him such a wonderful foundation.  You are outstanding parents.  If the judge does rule for him to be taken away from you, its not because anything you have or haven’t done.  Its obvious he is in a wonderful, loving home.” 

That wasn’t the “I’m going to tell the judge he should stay” answer that I wanted to hear, but I thank her and smile and tell her what a pleasure it was to meet her.

The doctor leaves for a minute and says, “I don’t know where his great-aunt is.  She was scheduled after you.  Is it possible for you to stay in the area until she arrives?”  We tell the doctor we saw her in the parking lot before the evaluation and we weren’t sure where she went.   

Justin gives her his cell phone number.  We pack the car up with one cranky boy.  Josiah sinks deep into his car seat and puts his hands behind his head to try to relax himself.   My nerves subside a little and I realize how hungry I am.  We drive five minutes away and get a bite to eat at McDonalds.  I take slow bites as we sit in the parking lot and I try to analyze what we said, the tone we said it in, if I would have changed anything.  Justin quickly tells me the futility of the conversation and I agree.  It’s over.  I can’t change anything now.

After killing an hour, we had back to the office building and find a spot in the shade.  I take Josiah out of his car seat and fashion a make-shift bed in the backseat with a little pillow.  Justin goes into the office to see if they had heard from Josiah’s great aunt.  They didn’t. 

We tried to figure out what may have happened.  She WAS here.  Had Fred told her they were running late?  Even so, she should be here by now.  We wait another 30 minutes and I tell Justin we need to go home for Molly’s sake.  It was now 2:45.  I go into the office and apologize that we can’t wait any longer.  They apologize also for the inconvenience and the confusion with the times we were scheduled.
 

I wonder what the judge is going to say when she hears the woman who wants Josiah so badly didn’t show up for a court appointed bonding evaluation.  I guess we’ll find out in October!  

Prayers appreciated once again...

Our second bonding evaluation is coming up tomorrow at 12:00.  Please pray for a happy little boy at 12:00 and a not happy boy at 1:00.  Is that mean?  Maybe.

Right after our bonding evaluation, we are going on a 12 hour trek through the night to South Carolina to visit my sister, her husband, and my two adorable little nephews!

So please pray for traveling mercies and for two happy, peaceful, sleeping children on our way there.   

 I'm not sure when I'll be able to post the results of the evaluation, so to tide you over until I can post again, here's a little adorableness I'd like to share.


*please excuse the birthday bib and messy house.  ;o)

Thank you again for praying for our family.  It means more than you'll ever know!

Psalm Twenty Eight: Carry Me

"Praise be the LORD for He has heard my cry for mercy. 
 The LORD is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him and I am helped.  
My heart leaps for joy and I will give thanks to Him in song.  
The LORD is the strength of his people, a fortress of salvation for his anointed one.  Save your people and bless your inheritance.  
Be their shepherd and carry them forever."  
v. 6-9


God, thank you for saving me and hearing and answering me.  You give me strength and protect me from circumstances that only You know.  I can trust you with my future and it comforts me to know that You are in control.  I will praise You in song whether I feel like it or not- because you ask me to.


Please, God, strengthen me and bless me.  Carry me when I know I can not walk on my own.

I illustrated this Psalm over a year ago, and on the bottom of the entry I wrote:
Today I found out from our caseworker that we would definitely be losing Josiah, most likely in a matter of weeks.  I am crushed, but this Psalm comforted me.

HA!  If I thought I was attached to him then, I don't think I could have imagined how I would feel a year later.  I am thankful God is still a comforter and protector.

I drew a picture of a shepherd carrying a lamb over his shoulders, his head in the shape of a shield for protection, and his arms showing his strength and competence.  The jagged rocks behind them represent impending danger; the smooth road that the shepherd is walking on is well-worn and sure.  It reminds me of the parable of the lost lamb when the shepherd leaves his flock of 99 to find the one and bring him home.  (Luke 15).  In the time of nomadic shepherding, if a lamb repeatedly wandered away, the shepherd would break its leg and carry him around on his shoulders until it was healed.  This may sound cruel, but when the lamb was able to walk on its own, it was never more than a few steps away from the man who nurtured him back to health.  What a picture of what God has to do to us sometimes before we learn to depend on him!

Have you ever thought that parable was a little silly?  I mean, it doesn't make much economic sense- its only one sheep.  Why risk losing the rest to find just one?  But if you know the temperament of sheep, it is imperative to the health of the flock that the lamb was found.  When growing up on a sheep farm, I always knew when a sheep got out of the pen.  One look at the pasture, and I knew something was wrong.  The animals were in a complete state of havoc and chaos when one was missing; they couldn't function normally when they weren't all together.

I'm glad God cares about our wholeness, not just for our sake, but for the sake of others within our sphere of influence.          

Chapter 35: Bonding Evaluation #1

The extent of Josiah's attachment to us is evaluated twice by two different psychologists:  one for the Defense (the parents' side which is hoping to give custody of Josiah to Brenda, his great-aunt) and one for the state (DYFS, who I believe wants us to get custody???).  I can't even tell anymore.  Today we had the evaluation with the defense's psychologist.  Next Wednesday, we are seeing the other.  

It was a whirlwind of a day.  We were scheduled to have our evaluation at 4:00, but we had to get there by 2:00 for Josiah to be evaluated by his parents.  We got a call at 10:30 or so from Josiah's law guardian saying that they never got in touch with Josiah's parents and they did not know if they were coming.  So...there was a slight possibility that they could see us earlier.  At 12:30 I got another call from the law guardian saying that the doctor could see us in 45 minutes.  *panic attack*  Josiah was still napping and the place was half an hour away and he still hadn't eaten his lunch.

I jumped into "make it work mode," made a quick grilled cheese sandwich, packed up some cantaloupe and crackers, a few toys and books, and quickly ran up to Josiah's bedroom to rouse him.  When I went to get him, he was already standing in his crib, bright-eyed and giggly saying, "Amen?  Amen?"  aka "Time to say grace so I can eat."  Happy kid: answer to prayer #1.  

We packed up the car and high-tailed it into the office.  We climbed the stairs to the second floor.  Just as we reached the door to the office, we heard Josiah's brother, grandparents, and Brenda come into the building on the floor below.  (I guess that they called them early in as well.)  We found the right office suite, gave our name to the secretary, and we waited for the doctor.  I'm pretty sure I was only slightly hyperventilating when the doctor came to greet us.  We shook hands and he told us to find a seat amongst the six or so rolly desk chairs that were scattered around a small office room with an overly large oval desk in the middle.  We found a seat, and I got Josiah's juice cup out that he hadn't finished from lunch yet.  

He told us the purpose of the meeting was just to observe us with Josiah and for us to interact as natural and normal with him like we usually do when we're home.  The defense is trying to determine if it would be detrimental to Josiah if they were to remove him from our home at this point.  (Yes- I could have answered that for him.)  He asked us a few questions, answers being:  

from birth- right from the hospital, four days old.  

almost 17 months now.

Yes, sir, all of his developmental milestones.

Yes, an 11 month old little girl, Molly.  They are best buddies. 

and He has seen his aunt regularly since February.  

His response was "I need to rule out that he isn't bonded to anyone else who has only seen him half a dozen times and think they have a relationship as strong as yours."  I like this guy's tone and where this is going.  Answer to prayer #2.  

Justin and I stand up, roll the chairs out to the far corners of the room, and get on the floor with our "Little Man", "Buddy," "Cutie," "Sir," and by accident three times "Josiah."  (I know we should have called him by his given name, but I just can't bring myself to do it.)  Josiah is an absolute DOLL, despite his poor night's sleep the night before and wacky nap and eating schedule.  We play with the bouncy ball that I packed.  He rolls the ball across the desk where the doctor is sitting, trying to involve him in our little game.  The man chuckles, rolls the ball back, and tries not make eye contact.  (Yeah, he's adorable. You can just go ahead and say it. We already know.) Justin and I are deliberate about referring to ourselves as "Mama" and "Dada" as we read his favorite books, show off every single one of the animal sounds he knows (13 in all.), sing our favorite songs (Itsy Bitsy Spider, Wheels on the Bus, and what Josiah calls "Ba ba ba" (our Sweet Molly Grace song).  He eats a few crackers while sitting on my lap, hands propped behind his curly head of hair.  Every so often he clasps his hands together and says "More, more" in sign language.  And we play "put-it-in" and "take-it-out of the bag" with toys and books about a dozen times until I think the man got bored of watching us.  He says that it was now Brenda's turn.  I couldn't believe how quickly forty minutes had passed.  I was having too much fun to be nervous.  Answer to prayer #3.  

The doctor asks if we wanted Brenda to come back to the room, or if we wanted to take him out to her.  We opt for the latter, just so I can have an extra 20 seconds with him in my arms.  I want Brenda to see how much he loves us, even though she already knows and chooses to ignore it.  I ask if we should leave his diapers and toys in the room and the doctor replies, "If they don't bring diapers and things for him to do, that tells me a lot about the seriousness they have in taking care of him."  As we walk out of the office, I see she only has a small stuffed animal (which I know he will have no interest in) and a bag full of goldfish (*stink* she knows that crackers are his kryptonite).  No diapers.  Awesome.  

The doctor tells us that we won't hear any results until the next court date- October 4th.  Just wonderful.  I love to wait.  I tell him how painless this has been and how much I enjoyed just spending the time with our sweet boy.  Then he says, "Well, he's been with you since birth, and he acts like it."  He gets it.  Answer to prayer #4. 

The 45 minutes we spent waiting for Josiah to be done with Brenda were agonizing.  After the stress of feeding him, getting him all ready, and trying to find the office as quickly as possible, I finally had a quiet moment in the car to let my nerves bubble up.  Justin and I talk about how it couldn't have gone any better and how adorable and sweet our Josiah was.  I say a quick prayer hoping that he is being awful for Brenda, and then quickly recant after I realize how much I just want Josiah to be happy and comfortable.  I love that kid.    

After forty minutes or so, we go back up to the office to pick up our Josiah.  Brenda puts him down and he runs to us with a big grin, his chubby cheeks bouncing up and down with every step.  I was mad the doctor turned his back before he could see that.  We politely chit-chat with Josiah's family about plans for him spending time with his grandparents again on Saturday.  They take the elevator.  We scurry down the steps to avoid any more awkward conversation.    

I have no idea about how things went with Brenda, nor do I think I will know until October.  I don't think I want to know if things went well.  I want to imagine that things were awful, that he tore the room apart out of boredom, and that she could only control him by shoveling fistfuls of goldfish down his throat.

I'm glad that today is over.  I feel a sense that God is in control and that I am not.  

But just in case I am- even just a little- I dressed us in matching blue shirts and khaki pants.  I figured, the subliminal message of "Hey look, doctor man, we go together" couldn't hurt.  :o)  

God is awesome, and you partnered with us today in prayer so that we could see that, feel that, and know that.  I thank you.  

  

Psalm Ten... Again

A while back, I posted a giveaway for a drawing of a Psalm.  The winner of the giveaway was Gina Saccone, and she chose Psalm 10: God Protects, God Provides.

I took the idea of the sketch, and this was the final product.  I changed the composition around so your eye focuses on the precious objects that the hands are holding.  In this case, I knew Gina has two daughters, so I drew two birds.  

This is the image I am filling my mind with today as I march into the battle God has called us to.  Knowing my children are safe in the palm of their Heavenly Father is far better than any home that I could make for them myself.  

"He lies in wait like a lion in cover, he lies in wait to catch the helpless and drags them off in his net." v. 7 

"The LORD is king forever and ever, the nations will perish from his land. You hear, o LORD the desire of the afflicted. You encourage them, and listen to their cry, defending the fatherless and the oppressed in order that man, who is of the earth, may terrify no more." v. 16-18

Thank you so much to everyone who has encouraged me and continues to lift us up in prayer today.  :o)  

Chapter 34: Time to climb into the wheelbarrow

I love my church.  Despite it being a half an hour away and in what you non-Jersians call a "shore town," Calvary Chapel Ocean City is awesome.  We have three services on Sunday mornings which, in the off- season, accommodate probably 600-700 people on any given Sunday.  In the summer, however, with both overflow rooms packed to beyond fire-hazard capacity and sometimes people even sitting on the stage, the congregation can reach at least 1000, which does not include kids in the children's ministry.  The middle service at 9:45 is the most packed, and if you don't get there at least 15 minutes before the service, you're not going to be able to sit in the sanctuary.  I'm not a huge-crowd-loving person, but unfortunately, the middle service is the only one we can attend because it is the only time slot that doesn't require feeding or naps for the babies.

So that being said, the summer is not the season to dedicate babies, being that it brings in usually an extra 25 people that we don't have the room for.  And even if there WAS a dedication, it would most likely be at the 8:00 or 11:30 service.  I haven't seen a dedication probably since January-maybe.  But hey- guess what happened last Sunday at the 9:45 service?!

I'm sure God appreciates when I roll my eyes at Him.

I was really hoping to get away from this issue.  Looks likes its not going to happen any time soon.  I can't exactly say it felt like there were butterflies in my stomach during the entire service.  Did you ever have one of those rock polishers as a kid- the kind where you put jagged rocks and sand in and then let it run and tumble for days and days and days until the rocks come out all shiny and polished?  Yeah- it felt like it was one of those in my belly.

And then came the real kicker.

The sermon was about Saul on the road to Damascus and how God uses our circumstances around us to get our attention.  My pastor's main point was this: Loving God and Trusting God are vastly different levels of spiritual maturity.  And then he asked, "What areas in your life is God calling you to trust Him?  What areas are you holding back from God because you want to control them?  Do you love God, or do you really trust God...because they are not the same thing."

He used an illustration about a man called "The Great Blondin."  The Great Blondin was the first man to ever cross Niagara Falls on a tight rope.  He could cross the tightrope blindfolded, he crossed it at night in the dark, he crossed it while juggling bowling balls, and even with a wheelbarrow full of bricks.

After the crowds stood in awe watching him achieve the unthinkable time and time again, Blondin looked at a little boy in the crowd and said, "Do you think I can cross the tightrope with the wheelbarrow again?"

"Of course, you can!"  the little boy exclaimed.
 "Are you sure?" Blondin asked.
"You're the Great Blondin," the little boy said, "I've seen you do it over and over again.  I'm certain you can cross with the wheelbarrow as many times as you want!"
"If you truly believe that,"  Blondin asked, "then will you climb inside the wheelbarrow?"

Believing and trusting are two very different things.

I hate when God makes me uncomfortable.  And I love it all at the same time, because it shows me that He loves me enough to not leave me unchanged.

There is no greater time for trusting God than now.  I just received the call from DYFS confirming our first bonding evaluation for tomorrow.  I am rock-polisher-uncomfortable and can't-sit-still-nervous.  I've begged and pleaded with God for Josiah to stay, and so far He has worked a countless number of times slowing things down so that my prayer has been answered.  But this is the first time that I feel I will have something to do with changing the outcome.  I think God is asking me to trust Him now, so that HE will get the glory for the result, not me.

So what does trusting God with the lives of my children look like?  Because what it looks like to me now is saying that whatever happens from here on out I'm going to be peachy-keen with the outcome.  It means putting on a happy face when I don't get what I want, shrugging, and saying, "Oh well.  God must not have wanted what I wanted."  And I don't know, in the end, that I will be okay with that.  But... I want to WANT to be okay with whatever God has for my children.  Does that make any sense at all?

So here's my plan.  I'm just going to be honest with God.  I'm going to tell Him how hard it is to surrender control.  I'm going to tell Him that my children are His anyway and that I have no claim to them.  And I'm going to ask Him to help me be okay with whatever He has called them to.

Tomorrow I'm going to be praying that prayer dozens of times before we go for the evaluation.  Maybe I'll get to the point where I only have to pray it once a day after I start believing what I'm saying is true.

Will you please join your heart in prayer with mine and ask for God's will to be done in Josiah's life tomorrow?  Will you also pray that Justin and I will be at peace with whatever the outcome is?

2:00 through 5:00 tomorow.  That's when it is. (Justin and my evaluation is at 4:00 and other family members' evaluations are before that.)

Bible verses, people, that's what I need.  I need a good healthy dose of truth to combat some of these awful feelings of doubt and hopelessness and impending sorrow.  Please, please leave a comment and share some.  I would really appreciate it.  

Click Click Click

God has put some amazing people in my life, one of which happens to be one of my sister's friends.  My sister, Robin, met Hannah at Wheaton College, and now Hannah lives in Philadelphia with her husband Josh.  Hannah is working on developing her portfolio as a professional photographer, and she asked if I would like some photos taken of my children.  Ummmm...yes?  No brainer- especially since I am the "family photographer," and I RARELY actually get to be in pictures with my children.


Here is Hannah's blog with pictures of my littles. Thank you, Hannah! You are awesome!


And speaking of awesome, my other sister, Amy, who lives in South Carolina, has had a new addition to her family.  This isn't your regular "someone had a baby...whatever" kind of news.  This is a "God is awesome and performs miracles" kind of news.  Amy and I both share the same rare genetic condition that greatly limits the chances of carrying a baby to full term.  After she was told that she had this abnormality,  and after going through fertility treatments for years to no avail, Amy and her husband, Jared, adopted an amazing little boy, Jesse, from the foster care system.  And low and behold...Amy got pregnant shortly thereafter on her own!  (Don't "they" say that always happens?)  Amy had a very difficult pregnancy.  She went into labor at 24 weeks, and thanks to very strict bedrest and medication and lots of prayer, Micah Own Plew was born at 37 weeks, healthy and developed.  He has a little clubbed foot (as you'll be able to see) that doctors needed to put a cast on, but compared to the slew of issues that could have happened if he were to come into the world so early, the complications are minimal.

Amy's friend, Jordan, did a photoshoot with her family, and I wanted to share those pictures with you as well.


Now Amy and I both have a "J" and an "M."   :o)  Enjoy!

Chapter 33: Issues

It's been a little while since I've had a soul-searching entry because...

1- I've been making Lydia Pins.
2- I've been spending time getting ready for and then having a wonderful weekend with these amazing people.

and 3- There are currently some issues that have been brought to my attention that I haven't wanted to deal with, mostly with God being in control and me not- something I STILL am struggling with and wondering if I can ever put this one issue in the "check.  done.  over it. category."

I'm still not ready to make any leaps and bounds into spiritual success, but I'll recount the good couple of thrashings that I've received lately.  Maybe then you can pray for me and celebrate with me when I stop being so stubborn and do what God is telling me to do.

So here's the issue.  I want my kids.  All of them.  The more I write and think and allow myself to become undone and exposed, the more I realize how angry I still am that so many were taken away from me.  After each miscarriage I was so tunneled into "just get a baby... any  baby ...I need a baby" mode that I don't feel like I really took the time to grieve my losses, and now I feel it gurgling and bubbling up from deep ugly places.  I could ignore it for a while.  Pretend that a baby would fix it.  Foster.  Love other people's kids.  Teach.  Stay busy.  But no, the loss is still there.  It's time to face it, as ugly as it was, as it is.  Because now it's starting to affect the way I love Molly and Josiah and the people I care most about.  It's making me rely on my own strength to love my children the way I want to by thinking I can control what happens to them.

I had a conversation with Jen about the whole thing.  She is my truth-sayer friend.  She'll tell me the truth when its something I need to hear, even if its what I don't want to hear.  I love that about her.  She was always like that, but now I think because of what she has had to endure, she has so much more courage to just say whatever is on her heart- come what may.  She told me that God is going to do whatever He wants to in the lives of our children.  We can stand with Him, we can stand against Him.  One of those choices just won't work out too well for us. ...I'll just copy and paste what she wrote to me...  She's a much better writer than I am and I won't be able to do her words justice...

 "I know the kind of fear that committing the life of your child to God brings. I know the kind of fear that comes when you try to take the control back. It all sucks, it's true. But when push comes to shove, I would always rather be standing on God's side of things, knowing that I stand safely there even though there is danger all around me. And I would always have wanted to stand there with Lydia in my arms, knowing that there was danger all around her. Because of all the places she could have been or I could ever be, we are and always will be safest wherever He brings us...even if it means suffering or pain or death. If He is there, even in danger, we're safe."  


She astounds me.  


And then I read this quote from John Piper's Don't Waste Your Life, the title of the chapter being "Magnifying Christ through Pain and Death," and the subtitle of the section being "How We Handle Loss Shows Who Our Treasure Is."  Yes, thank you, God.  You just make everything such a flashing billboard for me, don't You?!?! 


"But what I know even more surely is that the greatest joy in God comes from giving his gifts away, not in hoarding them for ourselves.  It is good to work and have.  It is better to work and have in order to give.  God's glory shines more brightly when he satisfies us in times of loss than when he provides for us in times of plenty.  The health, wealth, and prosperity "gospel" swallows up the beauty of Christ in the beauty of his gifts and turns the gifts into idols.  The world is not impressed when Christians get rich and say thanks to God.    


They are impressed when God is so satisfying that we give our riches away for Christ's sake and count it gain."   


Good stuff, right?  I know the author is talking about earthly monetary treasures here, but when I read the passage as my children being my greatest wealth, the words were piercing.  Go back and read it again in that context.

I feel like the harder I hold onto what I want (as in what I want being Molly and Josiah to be my children forever) I feel like this illustration:  I feel like when Josiah squeezes his food so hard, is squishes out the back of his hand in between his chubby fingers and it dribbles down his forearm onto his elbow and into his high chair.  When I pry open his hand to try to get him to eat, most of his food is gone, or in an inedible state.  It is wasted.

Holding onto something so tight won't glorify God as nearly as much as letting Him take control.  Because, above everything else, I do want their lives to point to Him, not to me.  It is so simple to say.  So difficult to do.

I feel the control issues rising.  We have bonding evaluations coming up with Josiah.  We had a placement review with our caseworker and her supervisor yesterday where we asked them where things stand.  All things considered- mostly the fact that he's been with us so long- it's looking pretty favorable for us. (That's what they said yesterday.  Who knows about tomorrow?)  I told them how nervous I was about the bonding evaluation and they said, "Oh, its no big deal.  Don't be nervous.  But, that's mostly what the judge is going to consider when she decides where to place him."  Oh, thanks.  Not a big deal AT ALL.

Already I'm thinking about what he'll eat before he goes, the toys I'll bring along with us, how I'm going to make sure he'll have a good night's sleep the night before, how to schedule optimal nap time around the time that the evaluation is scheduled.  Those are all good things to consider.  But I'm agonizing over them.  I'm thinking those things will determine the final decision in the end.  Not true.  And to add the fact Josiah's grandparents have asked for three extra days to visit with him BEFORE the bonding evaluation.  Good timing on their part.  Such a coincidence.  They haven't asked to see him for at least 3 months, and now all of a sudden?

But even extra visits isn't going to show he's not bonded to us, right?  One can but hope.          

2 evaluations-
Wednesday, August 4th.  12:00pm
Wednesday, August 11th.  3:00pm

Justin and me and Josiah in a room with a psychologist watching us interact with him.

Pray, people, pray.  Don't worry, I'll remind you later when we get a bit closer.


I'll leave you on a good note.  Soak in a little of the adorableness.


*The first three pictures were taken by Jen last weekend, and the last one was taken by a family friend Hannah Snyder Chen.  Thanks, girls!  

  

And thanks for your prayers!  :o) 

Lydia Pin Update

Hello, all of you wonderful people who have ordered Lydia Pins!  There has been a phenomenal response and more interest than I could have imagined!  I thought I would tell you a little bit about the process that goes into making your pin so special.

These are my supplies- a foam mat and two kinds of felting needles.  

I pull off a piece of purple wool.  The wool from our sheep is sent away to a place where they clean it, dye it, and make it into something called "roving."  From this state, it is perfect for feeding into a spinning wheel to spin, or in this case, for felting.   

I form the roving into a circle.  

It is put on the foam mat, and I poke it repeatedly with a 3-pronged needle until it becomes felt.

The special barbed needles poke and agitate the wool and make the fibers adhere together.  If you've ever accidentally thrown a wool sweater into a washing machine, you've done the same thing...I'm just doing it on purpose.  

I take the single needle and poke the wool in to form petals.  

Four petals.  I also poke the wool in the form of a cross to make an indent in the middle.  

I repeat once more to make a big and a little flower.  

Using the needle again, I poke the middles to make the two flowers stick together.

Time for beads!  

And the pin back.  

Voila!  Each Lydia Pin is just a little different.  

Sometimes Molly likes to try to help.

Luckily, I can finish a pin in about twenty minutes- just about as long as an episode of Special Agent Oso.  She's a big fan, as you can see.    

There have been orders for 64 pins so far, and I have filled 35!  I can usually get two or three done in a day if I time it just right between nap times. :o)  If you have ordered one, thank you so much for your patience in waiting for yours to come. Please know that I am working hard to get caught up.  If you would like to order one, you can still visit my esty site. (Although be warned, you may need to wait at least 3 weeks before you get it.)  

Want to learn more about the Lydia Pin?  Click on the button here:  

     

Thank you again for your outpouring of love and support for this beautiful girl and her family.  

  

    

Chapter 32: Open Handed

Justin and I had our assistant pastor and his wife over for dinner on Friday.  Despite having the most difficult time trying to get together with them (the last time we did was when Molly was born) we absolutely love spending any amount of time we can with them.  Pastor Ron and Justin are kindred spirits and love talking about everything from school to baseball.  His wife, Stephanie, has the sweetest personality of anyone I've ever known.

After an amazing dinner that Stephanie prepared for us, she and I went into the living room to play with the kids.  I love the way she talks.  She is soft-spoken and her words are gentle and purposeful, filled with kindness and compassion.  After we talked about all that was going on with Josiah, she made a comment that I haven't been able to shake.  

"It must be a wonderful experience to have the opportunity to love your children differently," she said.  

I was taken aback a little.  I am very conscious to try to treat Molly and Josiah the same.  Every morning, I try to dress them similarly.  If Josiah only wears a onesie for the day, so does Molly.  They eat similar breakfasts.  If one has yogurt, so does the other.  They each get to choose a book we read.  If Josiah wants to sit on my lap, I will make sure Molly sits there too.  They even have alternating nap schedules so I can make sure they have some alone time with me.  I guess being a middle child and natural-born score keeper, I am very diligent that I do my best to keep things even.  I don't want them to ever look back at their childhood and think that I favored one over the other.  

But that's not what Stephanie meant.  "You love them both unconditionally, of course," she said, "but you need to love Josiah with an open hand.  You have to prepare your heart that whatever God chooses for Josiah's future, you will be okay with that and trust that He knows best.  Don't you wish all parents could love their children like that?"

Yes, I do.  But do I?  No.  


I know I don't talk about Molly much in my blog.  Partly it's because I feel like this is Josiah's story- its what happens to him.  It's what I learn about God through him.  It's how God is shaping our family because of him.  And I tell you about Josiah because I covet your prayers on his behalf.  I truly want God's best for his life, and I want to be okay with that in the end, whatever that will be.  You don't need to pray for Molly.  She is mine.  She always will be.  My fist is clasped tightly around her.  I know what you all think when I'm whining about Josiah leaving-  "Well, even if the state takes him, you'll still have Molly.  You should be thankful."  Yes- the thought crosses my mind daily.  There will be a hole if he goes, but at least there will be someone to partially fill it.  I am thankful for her.  She is amazing.  A gift.  And she's all mine.  


But Stephanie was right, it is a different kind of love.  Would I send Molly away once a week with a complete stranger to spend an hour or two with two people that the state has deemed "unworthy to care for children"?  Loud resounding,"NO!!!  That's ridiculous!!!"  But I have to do it with Josiah.  Why?  Because that's part of fostering.  Yes, I knew what I was getting myself into partially- at least that part.  And when he drives away without me, I have to trust his life into the hands of his Heavenly Father.  But I'm not faced with that opportunity with Molly daily.  I don't think about her future because I have a sense that I will be able to control it.


If I'm being honest, I am nervous about giving God control over Molly's life.  Every time in the past I have dedicated a child into God's care, that child has either died or is now in the process of being taken away.  We got Josiah dedicated at church when he was four months, exactly a year ago now- when the state told us that they would be removing him from our care "any day now." We told God, we trusted Him with Josiah's future.  I am absolutely terrified to do the same with Molly.  She is mine.  I don't want to stand in front of my church family and tell them that I am handing over Molly's life to Him.  Sounds silly when I write it out.  I know that God knows what's best for her, but I'm afraid that means He will take her.       

The next day after Ron and Stephanie came over, my sister came home from a week of leading worship at a Christian camp.  She was telling my mom and I all about crazy stories of campers, and food that they ate, games that they played, conversations she had, and sermons that she heard.  Her favorite sermon, she said, was about Moses.  She recalled the part when God asked Moses to throw down his staff and God turned it into a snake so that God could use it to get the attention of the Egyptians.  The alter call that evening was, "What do you have in your hand, that if you threw it down, God could use it to glorify Himself?"


Ugh.  I hate when God kicks my butt.  


 Maybe this whole story is not about how He is slowly prying my fingers off of Josiah's future and then comforting me with having Molly's in my other hand's grasp.  


Maybe its about letting them BOTH go so that God can work His perfect will in both of their lives.  


I am so afraid that loving them open-handed will cause me to be empty-handed.    



   
       

Chapter 31: Advocates

Advocate –noun. a person who speaks or writes in support or defense of a person, cause, etc.  


Today was court again.  Hello, familiar headache and oh-so-queezy stomach ache.  I was the only one to show up in court besides Josiah's parents and lawyers.  Josiah's extended family wasn't there like usual.  Since Justin couldn't go with me like he always does, my mom came to keep me company in the waiting area.  She is awesome.    



My mom never sits still.  I do not have a single memory of her sitting somewhere, even in our living room, with her hands being idle.  Whether its knitting, or making baskets, or spinning, or felting, or quilting, or sewing, or embroidering, etc. she is always making something.  This made for a quite embarrassing childhood when we went to doctors offices or if she came to watch me play basketball games.  (Yes, she cheered whilst knitting.)  I perfected the my-mom-is-crazy-eye-roll when I was a teenager.  But now, I'm over it.  Now I think she's pretty amazing.  I'm always surprised to see how many people are willing to talk to a complete stranger when they see what she's doing.  It's usually something like, "How do you do that without looking?" or "My aunt can do that." of "Wow!  You're so fast!  I wish I could make something like that."  

How cute is she in her garden?


My mom is great at having conversations with anyone, and knitting gives her a platform.  She will tell people how the yarn she is knitting with comes from our sheep, which she bred, birthed, fed, nurtured, gave a hair cut, spun their wool on a spinning wheel, and now she is using that yarn to make something. She will show them the purse she made from wool that is felted and decorated from wool that has been dyed.  Sometimes the conversation will lend itself to all the amazing things you can learn from the Bible because you understand what sheep are really like.  She is an advocate for sheep, for the fiber arts, for making pieces of history with your hands, and equipping people to make their own history with the classes she teaches from her home.  You can check out the amazingness on her website.  Yesterday we were brainstorming about her Etsy site and the CSA she wants to start.  (Consumer Supported Agriculture where people get perks every season- like felting kits, wool, yarn, and homemade Jersey fresh jam- for buying shares of the farm... I'll let you know when that's all set up.)  


Also during our loooong wait for them to call our docket, I was addressing envelopes for the Lydia Pin orders I've gotten.  We got there at 8:20 and by 9:18 all of the envelopes were addressed.  Bummer.  I was hoping it would keep me and my mind busy for longer.  So then I started decorating the envelopes.  Apologies if your envelope comes doodled on.  I was bored and anxious.  Sitting there with my mom, both our hands working on projects bigger than ourselves, I let my mind wander about advocacy.  I was thinking that because of sheep and felting, it has enabled me to become and advocate for Lydia and the story of God's faithfulness in her life.  I was excited that maybe these pins will equip others to be advocates too.  


Finally our name was called and I walked into the court room and took a seat in the back part behind the partition that separates the important people from the non-important people.  I so much want to be an advocate for Josiah, who can not have a voice among the "importants" of the room.  His law guardian is his official advocate, and she is awful.  She stands up and declares his good health and how he is meeting all of his developmental milestones.  Useless information.  Why can't she talk about what an amazing home he's in- how loved he is, how well taken-care of he is, how his foster parents are awesome and how they want to adopt him?  How will the judge know if no one tells her?  


I'm hoping that's what a psychologist will say when they give a report of the bonding evaluation that is coming up on August 4th and August 11th.  There is also a trial set for October 4th if no suitable candidate is found for him and DYFS needs to remove custody from the parents instead of them relinquishing their rights to someone.  


During entire day, I had a song playing in my head.  (Take a minute and listen to it after you're done reading.  Let the truth of it sink in.  I pray you can claim this truth for yourself.)  As frustrating as the situation is, God reminds me that I do have an advocate to speak for me.  How easy it is to forget.  I am so willing to take the situation in my own hands, to think that anything I will do or say will change the outcome of where Josiah's forever home will be.  It is hard to relinquish feeling like I have anything to do with what will happen in the end.  I have an Advocate who is doing everything I need to ensure that God's name is glorified and everything will happen for our good.  








Jesus's work on the cross tells me that when I get to Heaven, He will be my advocate.  On that final day of my life I do not have to worry about what will happen with my eternal life because when God looks at me, He will see Jesus.  He will speak for me.  Do you know what a relief that will be?!  


Along with that, what happened to the temple veil tells me something that I forget often.  I have access to God NOW.  The price for that was so high.  It cost a perfect, sinless man his life.  At times I take that for granted.  With an utterance, I am in the presence of God because of what Jesus did.  He speaks to God for me.  He can tell Him my thoughts, my dreams, and better yet, He can change those dreams to fit His will.  


It has been a slow process, but I can see this happening.  There are days when it is easy to do like today, when I realize I have absolutely no control over anything that I want to have control over.  Foster care lets me be an advocate for the work God is doing in my life and the lives of those around me.  More importantly, it teaches me that I only need to be faithful and let MY Advocate work His perfect will in my life....and Josiah's life.      

Upcoming Court...Maybe?

We have another court date coming up on Monday.  This would be the court that we were supposed to have on June 21st, which got postponed from May 17th when one of the lawyers didn't show up. Third time's the charm?

I don't really want to go, especially since Justin can't go with me.  He has to work that day.  Boo.  I figured if I can drive in New York City, Atlantic City is no big deal, right?  My palms just started to sweat thinking about it.  I am so not independent.

I'm really really bummed that I won't be able to bring my felting stuff with me because I have to walk through a metal-detector before I can get into the building.  I'm thinking 3-pronged 3-inch barbed needles might be mistaken for a weapon.  "No, no, policeman, I'm felting flowers out of purple wool to make pins."  That sounds plausible, right?

Again, no idea what court will be about.  Although, I did get a call from Josiah's law guardian asking the usual, "How's he doing?  What's he eating?  How much does he weigh?  What's going on- has DYFS told you?"  She is Josiah's advocate at court who does nothing.  I think she thinks by finding out answers to her questions, she now knows all about him.   She always tells me she thinks he should stay with me, but then when we get to court she tells the judge absolutely nothing.

During this phone call she said to me, "If he were 8 months, it would be a different story, but he's 15.  I can't imagine him moving out of your home when he's doing so well, is so attached to you,  and it doesn't appear that the family is exactly eager to get him.  Enough's enough.  He needs a permanent home."

Oh, geez.  Give me hope, why don't you?  Kick me when I'm down.

I'm choosing not to think about it and working hard on getting all of your Lydia pin orders out in a timely manner.

We've had 45 orders so far, by the way.  Keep them coming!  :o)

A Pin for Lydia

Recently, my friend Jen posted a very inspiring link on her blog.  It's about how her sister-in-law, Liz is running a triathlon in honor of Jen's baby girl, Lydia.  She is raising support to add to the fund that Jen and Micah have set up in Lydia's name.  I've been giving this idea some thought in the past, but Liz inspired me to get things moving...  

It got me thinking- How could I use my time and talents to bless Jen and Micah and honor Lydia?  And this was my idea...