The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly of Christmas

Every other year it's my parents' turn to get my sisters and their husbands and now their grandkids for Christmas...(the in-laws flip-flop Thanksgivings and Christmases with them).   Lucky for my parents, they get us every holiday because we live so close.  This was the wonderful year that everyone comes to the lovely place that is South Jersey to convene for a multi-day feeding fest, mass chaos, and endless cookie baking and eating.  Every year I feel meal time gets closer to the pizza scene in Home Alone.

I will try to curb the obnoxiousness of over picture sharing, although the overall cuteness is bumped up twenty notches with cousins thrown into the mix now.  Plus, I got a new camera (a Canon Rebel xs) and now that I don't have shutter delay, it is so much easier to capture the memories that I want- and not the memory 4 seconds after I want like with the point-and-shoot.  Eh...  you can deal, right?

First, I will introduce you to my family so you can enjoy the pictures more.

 This is my younger sister, Robin and her husband, Jason, and Santa...but we'll get to him later.  They live in Massachusetts while Jason is in seminary, although they are anxious to get back to what we all refer to the "Promised Land" (aka South Jersey.)  

 This is the baby bump that is Judah who is due to arrive in early April.  

This is my older sister, Amy and 5 month old Micah.  They live in South Carolina with...

         

 my brother-in-law Jared, who hates pictues, but loves his two sons-  four year old Jesse who was officially adopted from the foster care system this past November, and Micah.

 This is my brother Gregg, who I don't think owns a shirt that he hasn't cut up to show off his manly physique. :o) (And Micah again....EVERYONE likes to hold him.)  

  Then, there's my dad who loves to tell stories.  

 And my mom who Jesse named "Little Gramby."  My mom makes a lot of jam, so sometimes he calls her "Little Jamby."

Ok...now enjoy the overall jubilation and adorableness....

Jesse the Pirate.  Note the candy cane earrings and guns tucked into the pajamas.  

And what makes Christmas better and even MORE fun when you have to dress toddlers and a baby?  That's right...costumes!  

And yes, that is in fact a leg lamp.  

Cookies for Santa.  

And then Jason and Robin got Jesse and santa costume so he could be cool like Pop-Pop.  

He loved it.  And we loved him in it.  

And then...we were all matchers for Christmas- Everyone had matching jammies, although the boys didn't want to pose for a picture.  

My dad made the kids a pirate ship.  

After all the presents were open, the real fun began.  

And we had to be very vigilant so Molly and Josiah didn't destroy the tree like they did at our house.  (Gramby and Pop-Pop's tree wasn't in a playpen.)

It was a very, very, very fun morning.  Couldn't have been any better...

And then came the afternoon.  You know...I don't think I want to ruin this lovely post with the ugliness that was Christmas afternoon.  I'll leave you with the warm fuzzies and tell you about the unfortunate events later.    

I hope you had a wonderful Christmas and could enjoy it being surrounded by the people that you love!    

A few thoughts on Christmas

It is 6:00 Christmas morning and I can't sleep.  I've been tossing for an hour.  I'm not anxious for gifts or even watching my children open presents.  My family is still probably sleeping 2 houses away from me right now.  And although I can't wait to get in the car and see them and watch my nephew squeal with delight once he realizes that Santa did in fact come last night, that's not why I can't sleep.

Every year, as I'm sure you do, I pray that Christmas will be "different" -that God will somehow reveal something new to me in a story I have heard dozens of times that I can probably recite verbatim from the gospel of Luke.  I've been caught up like everyone has in the busyness of the season- trying to decorate the house and get just the right presents for everyone, sending out cards, and still trying to find some semblance of time to prepare my heart and mind for the truth of Christmas.  But this year is different, because in the midst of the busyness and morning sickness and tiredness I am forced to face the bitter truth that next Christmas will be different than this one.  Next Christmas, I won't get to wake my son up and open his stocking and presents with him.  I won't get to give him Christmas cookies or watch him rip off ornaments and lights from the tree like I did this year. :o)  He won't be here next year; I have chosen to give him away and to live a life without him.

Turns out, friends, I have learned more about Christmas from this one little boy than a lifetime of candlelight services and carols.  I have felt the searing pain of thinking about losing him, and that truth has made Christmas more new and real and glorious than it has ever seemed before.

God gave His only Son.

It is truth that I live my life by.  Yet, is easy let the words wash over me and forget what they really mean.  I love the story of Christmas- light breaking forth from a star and angels singing praises and imagining the shepherds being afraid and finding Jesus in a manger...  but for the first time, I let my mind wander to what the Father was thinking and feeling days before the miracle happened.  I don't mean to be blasphemous, but do you think it was a decision He struggled over?  Do you think He was counting down the years and months and days until He was going to have to be in Heaven without His Son?  I imagine the conversation they had.

I imagine God saying, "I wish I was the one going.  It would be easier to go through a human life myself than watching you have to go through all the pain and suffering and rejection that you're about to have to go through."

And then Jesus would say, "No, I think it is the best way.  It is far greater sacrifice to give Your son than to give Your own life.  You have made them fathers and mothers so they would understand how much they love their children.  And once they realize how much You love me, your only Son, they will realize the sacrifice You are giving to them.  It's the only way they will truly understand how much You love them."

I can imagine the first Christmas being difficult for the Father.  I know that Jesus and God could communicate when he was on the earth, but it had to be agonizing for God to watch his Son experience cold and hunger and pain and rejection- all on the first night of his birth.  While the heavenly host were praising God for His sacrifice, do you think the angels comforted the Father by letting Him know He made the right decision?  Can you imagine His loneliness, Him looking to his right hand and feeling the void of His son's physical absence?  Do you think He wished that He could skip over years of watching Jesus roam the earth and just have him back in Heaven?

I know I'm humanizing God too much.  I know He understood what He was doing and that all He did was motivated by His love for us.  But for the first time this Christmas, I appreciate the sacrifice so much more than I ever have before.  I am amazed that God would love me that much to give His Son so I could live forever with Him.  That kind of love should change me, and this Christmas, I feel like it has.

Red Tape

Justin called our case worker yesterday to see where we stand in getting Josiah into a permanent placement with his family.  I have been feeling better about the decision, knowing that it is what is best for Josiah and our family.

Some people have asked how I was doing and it comes down to letting the truth of this sink in... the judge that we are dealing with has always been in favor of reuniting foster children with biological families....even in cases where children should clearly stay with foster parents.  We have seen this sad outcome happen to a few families that we know that foster.  The judge doesn't even consider bonding evaluations sometimes- she will give the bio family opportunity after opportunity for reunification.  So, the chances of us actually getting to adopt Josiah when there is a capable biological family member who has his brother?  Very improbable.  When it was just a great-aunt wanting custody, we had a shot, but now that the grandfather has stepped up, the outcome is pretty predictable.  The question isn't "if" Josiah will be taken from our home, it's "when".  We are now eager try speed that inevitable process up and get him into his forever home for his sake.

Our case worker sees our perspective and agrees that it is what's best for Josiah.  However, yesterday she told us that she is meeting nothing but resistance from a number of people.  She has alluded to the fact that some of her supervisors believe that we have been bullied into the decision that we have come to.  (Which, I guess if we're being honest, there is truth to that statement.)  She says that DYFS says she is rushing things and they want to wait until the next court date until anything is decided.  That is in March.

March, people.

I feel emotionally drained.  I finally feel like we came to a good and right decision.  And again, God shows us that our timing is not His timing.  I only pray that when the time comes for the inevitable we will still be in the same place emotionally that we are now.

The case worker is still proactive in trying to move him.  She's a feisty one and doesn't care if she ruffles feathers.  I really like her.

I am reminded of this verse:

"In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps."  Prov. 16:9

A quick thought and a thank you

I just wanted to share that God has given me such a peace about Josiah the past couple of days, and it is a testament to answered prayer.  I thank you so much for all of your kind thoughts and prayers on behalf of my family.  There will be a time to mourn our loss, but God has revealed that time has not come yet.  And I know that God will bless us and equip us with everything we need to glorify Him in every circumstances- even the hardest ones.

I am enjoying the preparations for Christmas... as difficult as two toddlers are making it this year.

This is after I learned my lesson... (Molly can't figure out why she can't put that ornament on the tree.)  

I'm happy to report that Josiah will be staying with us for our celebrations on Christmas morning and not going to his grandfather's until 12:00.  I'm so excited that both of my sisters and their families are coming to New Jersey this year!  There is so much to be thankful for.  

Details of the Decision

I never ever ever thought things would end this way.  I imagined finality coming from the court room- either a cry of celebration or tears of defeat with a single word from the judge.  I was willing to fight long and hard and haggle for more time with my sweet boy, whatever it took to extract more time together with him.  We were "winning."  Every court hearing, every evaluation, every time we spoke to DYFS, we were the family chosen in their favor.  They wanted him to stay.  I wasn't going to argue with them.  


But the realization from last week gave us this insight.  Things were going to end one of two ways:  


1- After possibly years of court hearings, more evaluations, dozens more visitations with crazy parents, and overnight weekend visits with the grandparents, the judge would be in our favor and we would get to keep him.  Josiah would be around 4 years old, and would start to understand who all of these people were.  He would grow to tolerate maybe even love his grandparents.  But seeing what they planned on saying to him, we knew that we would have to cut ties with his family.  We couldn't have them indoctrinating him with "this is your REAL family who loves you, who you can't live with.  This is your REAL brother who your 'parents' aren't allowing you to see."  Things would get so ugly and uncomfortable and be painful for all parties involved until permanency came.  It would be a long hard road, but one I was willing to take.  


or 2- After years of court hearings, more evaluations, dozens more visitations with crazy parents, and overnight weekend visits with the grandparents, the judge would be in favor of the grandparents, and I would have to explain to a four year old that he was going to live with his brother.  I would have to explain to a four year old Molly that practically her "twin" brother wasn't going to be here brother anymore.  The transition would be so painful for everyone of us- most of all for Josiah.  Things would get so ugly between the grandparents that they would be even more bitter than they are now; they would hate us for keeping him for so long when we could have relinquished our desire to keep him long ago before more damage was done.    


One reason that we got into foster care was to give a loving home to a child who needs one. 


It had been revealed to us that Josiah wasn't a child who needed a loving home.  He had one waiting for him- a home that had his biological brother and two grandparents who loved him so much whose sole desire was to keep their family whole.  I don't have to worry how most foster parents do when returning a child back to biological family.  These aren't people who are going to relapse into drug use.  This isn't a home that is unsafe.  And unlike if he would be going to his great-aunt, there would be a male influence in his life.  

If it were just me and Josiah, I would be on a plane to Panama as we speak, but there are so many people that I love that I need to consider.  


Justin- I have watched over the past few months how the situation has been making him weary.  He is the one that deals with the grandfather's calls, and he would get a knot in his stomach every time his number would come up on his phone.  The man has a lot on his plate:  he's coaching basketball, dealing with discipline issues at school, taking master's classes online, teaching, and with what energy he has left he is pouring into the lives of two energetic toddlers- not to mention dealing with a weary and somewhat demanding wife right now.  He has lost 45 pounds in the past 4 months because he tells me, "It is the one thing he can control."  If that's not a red flag, I don't know what is.  


Molly- I love my little girl, and I don't want to see her in pain.  If there is any way I can prevent the pain of losing a brother, I want to do that for her. She is so special and so loved, and I can't imagine spending years of time agonizing over whether or not we are losing Josiah.  I don't want to lose time with her either.  


Josiah's family- As hard as it is to admit, I want what is best for Josiah's family too.  I know I say I want to cut ties with them if we were to adopt him, but with how passionate and stubborn Josiah's grandfather is, things would not be over until he would win.  Do I want to make him spend thousands of dollars in lawyer fees, wasting savings that could go to future college funds for the boys? (I know, speculation....its just a thought.)  And while Josiah would have other siblings, David wouldn't.  I don't want to take away David's brother from him.  


Josiah- Watching him leave every other weekend and for visitation (when the parents show up) is absolute torture.  Watching him cry and flail and beg for me to hold him is agony. It reminds me of the two women fighting over the baby in front of King Solomon.  As painful as the decision is, I would rather not have my baby at all than watch him live a life where he is constantly being fought over and torn in two.  


and then.... there's this one....

I wasn't going to say anything until the oh-so-scary first trimester was over, but since the news has played a part in our decision I feel it is only right to share.  I am currently 10 weeks pregnant- feeling awful and tired and sick and hating food and things that smell.  The stress of Josiah has only added to anxiety, and anxiety hasn't been good for me, let alone the pregnancy.  Please don't think that I am okay with losing Josiah because I have another baby on the way.  I am not replacing him.  But I worry if I can be a good mom to three babies under 2 and a half years old.  I know I could do it.  But could I do it well? I don't know.  

Justin was the first of us who came up with the decision to try to get Josiah to his grandfather's as soon as possible.  I fought kicking and screaming.  I don't want to lose my son.  I felt like we have been fighting so long and so hard and to give up now seemed like all we had gone through had been for nothing.  I can't imagine my life without Josiah, and I don't want to.  The past few days have been exhausting and filled with more tears than I've shed in a long time.  But when all is said and done, I can fully trust that Justin as the spiritual leader of our home can decide what is God's best is for our family. It came down to a lesson in submission.  My head knows what is right, but my heart doesn't.  And when they aren't in agreement, I can trust that Justin is seeking God's will, and I need to agree with him.  

I have a lot more to write, but I feel that's all I can process right now.  I feel bruised and broken and defeated.  I know that this is the right decision, but every time I look at Josiah, I think about all the things I will never get to do with him.  Lots of more tears will be shed, but I hope that there will be more happy memories made within the next few weeks than sad ones.  

We got a new case worker who seems wonderful.  She is all-business, no fluffy words, to the point, compassionate, and promises to return our calls within 24 hours, if not sooner.  I'm wishing we had her way before now.

I'll get to the point.

Josiah is being permanently placed with his grandfather and brother by the middle of January.

When Justin is finished using the computer for his big grad school project, I'll have time to write and process how and why we came to this decision.

I am so thankful for all of the emails and messages I've received from so many of you.  I thank you for keeping us in your prayers and would ask you would continue to do so as we enjoy these last few weeks as a family.      

Doubting and Pouting

Josiah's grandfather came to pick him up today for his second of bi-weekly overnight visits.  I woke up at 5:00 this morning with a knot in my stomach thinking about if I had enough clean clothes for him to pack in an overnight bag.  I wondered what they would think of me as a mother if his pants didn't match his shirt or if the pants I packed were too long.  And then I dreamed we had a conversation about Christmas that got really heated and ugly.

I asked Justin when he woke up if we were going to mention anything about Christmas, which is now only two weeks away from today.  He said he still wants the case worker to handle it.  And I think to myself..."You mean the caseworker that we still don't know who she is or when or if she will ever call us back when we speak to her voicemail after 10 times?  You want to let her handle it?  And she probably won't deal with it anyway.  And that'll leave us on Christmas Eve wondering if the grandfather is picking him up the next morning.  Maybe we can go and hide somewhere all day on Christmas so they can't find us."  I'm such a loving supportive wife sometimes.  

I got Josiah all ready and packed his bag while Justin fed the littles some breakfast.  The grandfather showed up on time and David stormed excitedly in the house while the grandfather put Josiah's car seat in his minivan.  I asked David about his Christmas tree and he told me that Josiah and him were going to play with cars and trains today.  When the grandfather came in, I put Josiah down on the floor with his arms sticking up from his puffy winter coat.  I wanted the grandfather to pick him up so I wouldn't have to hand Josiah to him.  I thought that there would be less crying and fussiness if we made the transfer this way.  I was wrong.  I had to close the door behind him with his trying to wriggle free from the grandfather's arms screaming, "Mama! Mama!  Hold you! Hold you!"

I.  Don't.  Like.  This.

Justin helped carry Josiah's bags out to the car and what I thought would be a pleasant and quick, "We'll see you tomorrow!" conversation turned into an ugly ten minute ranting from the grandfather.  I couldn't tell everything that was said, and Justin doesn't like to rehash uncomfortable situations, but I could see from the living room window that the grandfather was doing most of the talking and Justin looked defeated with slumped shoulders and arms folded.

Here's what I gathered from the conversation in bits and pieces Justin has told me: Court yesterday did not go well for the grandfather.  The court denied his appeal because it was filed incorrectly by his lawyer.  He accuses us, as usual, from keeping Josiah from his family.  He asked us how we can in good conscience keep two brothers apart from each other?

I want to tell him that WE aren't keeping Josiah from him.  The state is.  WE didn't not remove him from his daughter's custody.  THE STATE DID.  We are keeping him in a loving home until the STATE tells us we have to do otherwise.  I want to say he IS in a FAMILY already.  He isn't missing anything besides daycare and an inconsistent lifestyle.

The grandfather told Justin that if we adopt him, that he is going to tell Josiah the "truth" when he is old enough to understand it:  That his real family wanted him and that WE kept him from being with them.

And I tell Justin, "Well, that just means that he won't be a part of their lives if they are going to undermine our family structure."  And Justin says, "How can we keep a grandfather from his grandson, a brother from his brother?"        

The grandfather is under the impression that if we say that we don't want Josiah anymore that he will be placed in another foster home, and that home will be his.  He thinks that we have more power than we do.  He thinks that we should let him go to his house whenever he wants to because if we don't, then we're not allowing him to bond with his "real" family.  Does this sound ridiculous to anyone else?

Part of me says- I just want this to be over.  I can't stand the constant feeling like we're doing something wrong, like we're making poor choices or we're doing something selfish if we want Josiah to be with us. I can't stand Justin being so broken and tortured over feeling like we should relinquish this sweet boy over to someone else's family.  I don't want a life like this, being intertwined with constant crazy.

So this leaves me asking myself some questions...please bear with me as I process...

-How would I feel if I grew up knowing I was adopted and my biological family wanted me?
-How would I feel if I grew up knowing I had a sibling that was kept from me?
-It is the decision really up to me?
-Could I give over rights for him to go home to his family?  If I could, would I? Should I?  
-What's better- to keep him for as long as I could and then have to explain to a 4 year-old that he's going "home" to live with his brother or give him up now when he won't have any recollection of this family that he knows now?
-Can I put Justin through his for another year?  What about Molly? Is it right to put her through this?
- Am I just being selfish for thinking my home is better than theirs?
- If I send him away to live in a home with people that don't go to church, is he going to be taught about God?  Is he going to know the love of Jesus?  Will God's grace reach him if I'm not the one showing it to him?

I don't want to choice to be mine.  I want God to choose the time when and if Josiah leaves.  But what if I could choose for all of this to be over?

What would you do?  Really...I'm asking for advice here...

Bonding Evaluation #3

This was our third bonding evaluation:

- The first was ordered from the bio mother's lawyer.
- The second was ordered by DYFS.
- The third was ordered from the bio father's lawyer.

I can assume that once the grandfather files for custody, his lawyer will order one as well.

It wasn't the same psychologist that we had the first time.  It was a sweet old man that had probably been doing this kind of work for over forty years.  I had to have Josiah there at 12:00 to go with his great aunt.  Once he saw her, he started crying, and she snapped, "Why don't you put him down on the floor so he can see his brother."  I did as she asked, but I wanted to say, "Hey, fat fatty-head.  Leave him alone.  He obviously wants his mom to hold him."  Once he was on the floor, she scooped him up and lots of crocodile tears ensued, and Josiah was reaching over to me saying, "Hold you?! Hold you?! Hold you?!"

And then...this I love... the doctor came out and said, "Oh no, that's not good.  We don't have a very happy kid.  Will he come with you?" he asked the aunt.

"Oh- he will," she replied matter-of-factly.

I wanted to punch her in the stomach, but I was afraid my fist would get sucked into all her fat roles.  That was mean.  I'll probably feel bad about that later and change it.  eh.  maybe not.  

After that, it was the biological father's turn to go with him.  I can only imagine the mayhem that ensued because he had both Josiah and his brother, David, at the same time.  Those two together are like mini wrecking balls!  

Justin and I got back around 1:30 only to find that we weren't going until 2:30.  In between that time, David was going to be evaluated with his grandparents.  We took Josiah some fresh air and for a drive around to keep him mind distracted...and we didn't feel like sitting in the tiny waiting room with fatty-head.  Of course when we went for a walk to the car, Josiah was so tired and cranky that he tripped and met the sidewalk with his forehead and lip with a big thud.  Wonderful. "Hello, doctor man... we're here to show you what wonderfully responsible and protective parents we are. Please ignore the enormous welt on my child's head that wasn't there the last time you saw him an hour ago."


So- 2:30 and we go in with the doctor.  He asks us a few questions about Josiah's medical history and the visits with his parents have been going.  I was happy to report that they were spotty and inconsistent at best.  He asked us about our professions and education, and about the contact we had with Josiah's family.  (That was a long story, as you all know, which ended with us saying that if we do adopt him, that very strict parameters will need to be set as far as what roles everyone will have in his life.)  Josiah happily sat on my lap eating an orange and coloring his big coloring book.  I loved showing off how cute and comfortable he is with me.

The doctor said to us, "Some evaluations are easy and some are more challenging.  I can't tell you what my report says, but history speaks for itself in this case."  In other words:  He has been with you for almost two years, he knows no one else as "family," and despite the aunt's attempts to bond, she doesn't have the relationship that you have with him.   


The evaluation took about 40 minutes.  I left feeling very positive about the whole thing.  When we got home, Josiah took an hour and a half nap before dinner, and Molly was over-the-moon excited to see him.  It was an overwhelmingly exhausting day that ended with a relaxing bath time and sweet kisses and cuddles before bed.  It is nice to be a family.

The Latest

On Monday, there was an impromptu court hearing (I think it was to make up for the one that was postponed from when the electricity went out.)  Thank you, oh so diligent case worker for letting us know late Friday afternoon so we could make arrangements to be there.  *Insert sarcastic tone* I had somewhere I needed to be at 8 a.m. then I high-tailed it to Atlantic City to try to make court. I got there at 9:30.

And....  I missed it.

So there I sat waiting for my caseworker to come out of the court room so she could tell me what went on that morning.  She never came out, but the law guardian did and she sat down to talk with me in the waiting area.  (The law guardian is a lawyer who represents the kids- not the foster parents, or his parents, or his grand-parents.  They are supposed to be an impartial party that knows what is best for the children, although she has never once seen or met Josiah.  She calls me whenever there is about to be court so she can get all of her questions answered about him like his weight, what he eats, what his schedule is... so she can stand in front of the judge and pretend she knows what is going on with him.  I did tell her that the parents haven't been to visitation in 8 weeks- a fact I'm sure my caseworker is unaware of.)

So the law guardian apologizes that I missed the hearing despite the fact that she tried to delay the judge until I could get there.  She said she didn't have a cell phone number for me.  (unlikely...whatever...)  But the conversation I got to have with her was very beneficial, and I probably got more answers from her when talking to her than I would have gotten if I just would have made it to court on time.

The latest:

- We are allowed to cut his hair "every 3-4 months in a neat, conservative cut."  I wish I could have been there to experience the eye-rolling and scoffing and huffing that must have come from the parents when the judge ordered that poor Josiah doesn't have to look like no one cares about him anymore.

- The grandfather had told us that he was going to file for custody at court this Friday, and he is under the impression that he is going to be going home with him that day.  According to the law guardian, apparently the man is delusional or greatly misinformed by his lawyer.  What he is doing on Friday is filing for consent to become an active party in the case.  This would mean that his lawyer would receive all the information about the case and he would become a viable option for a permanent placement eventually.

- Before anything is decided, there needs to be a hearing- with experts, and witnesses, and reports, and evaluations, etc.  The judge isn't going to say, "Oh...hello, biological grandfather.  I hear it is convenient for you to take your grandson now.  How lovely for you!  Sure- go ahead and take custody!"  The law guardian said they are not going to be removing him from our home "any time soon."  I asked her how long the process could take.  "Atleast nine months," she says and then shakes her head, "Who am I kidding...more than likely it will be a year.... or more."  Since this is only going to be a consent to information, she said it was such a "formality" that we didn't have to come to court on Friday.

-  She says that DYFS is still on our side for us to be receiving permanent custody, but it's a hard call.  On the one hand he would be with his brother (who has more rights to seeing Josiah than anyone.)  There was just new court law that was passed in New Jersey that says that blood relatives have no leg-up when it comes to getting custody of children just because they are related.  However, siblings are tried to be kept together whenever possible.  And since the grandfather has Josiah's brother, this gives them a strong case.  But...after THREE years of him living with us?  Who knows what could happen?

- I called the case worker yesterday (she actually picked up the PHONE and I didn't have to call her 47 times before she answered a message!!!) and she said that she DID speak to the grandfather and said that DYFS said that he is only to go over every other weekend.  (I have no reason to believe that this conversation actually happened, although I'm hoping it did.)  I want the idea of "every other weekend" to come from them, not us.  I'm tired of the grandfather thinking it is us that is trying to keep him from him.  I asked her if she spoke to him about the issue of Christmas, which I asked her to do 3 weeks ago.  She hadn't, and said she would after Friday.

-  And then she said... "Oh by the way, I'm not going to be your worker anymore.  You're getting assigned a new worker tomorrow hopefully.  So...I'm not going to be in court on Friday."  So what you're REALLY saying is, "I wasn't going to bring up the ugly issue of Christmas because by tomorrow its not going to be my problem anymore." 


 I can't say I'm heartbroken that we're getting a new caseworker.

- Tomorrow is a bonding evaluation, and prayers are certainly appreciated.  The poor kid has 3 appointments:
12:00 with his great-aunt (which I'm not sure why she's even bothering at this point when her brother wants him now)
1:00 with his dad
2:00 with us
3:00 Josiah's brother with his grandparents

All during what should be nap time, of course.

I don't know why a bonding eval wasn't ordered for Josiah's grandparents and him... I guess when he becomes an "offical" option for custody, they will want another one.

I'm not so nervous about this one.  This is the psychologist from August who said, "I just need to rule out that any obscure relative that claims that he is magically bonded to them."  I'm a fan of this guy.  He sees the crazy in it all.

So there's the latest.  We're still praying that we can keep our little man for Christmas despite that weekend being the grandfather's "turn." And we're praying that DYFS will step up and make the every other weekend official so poor Justin doesn't have to get knots in his stomach every time the grandfather calls him...like at least twice a week now.

Thank you so much for praying for our family!

Sand

It has been an emotionally draining week.  It feels as though our time with Josiah is slipping through my fingers at a tremendous speed and I can't stop it.  I want to collect the grains of sand and hoard them, scoop them up and savor each one again, but I can't.  The end is near, I can sense it.

Josiah's grandfather called again today.  Despite DYFS telling us that they were going to call him MULTIPLE times to explain the "every other weekend" deal they made with us, they have not.  It seems as though their attitude is, "What is it going to matter in a month anyway.  Why bother?"  So the grandfather called Justin today and told him that he would be coming over tomorrow morning and picking him up.  Ummmmm....no you're not.  I know that his attitude is, "He's coming 'home' to his 'family' soon.  What is another weekend away from the foster family?  It's not going to matter."

It's MY sand.  It matters.  

The grandfather told Justin, "fine.  You can keep him this weekend"  after Justin couldn't help but cry when he was on the phone and told him that we had made plans to be together as a family this weekend.  I hate to see Justin in so much pain.  I hate to see him losing his son and being absolutely powerless to stop it.  I hate what that I let it ruin my day.  I hate that when I spend time with Josiah, I'm thinking about what it is going to feel like not spending time with Josiah.

Now we have court twice this week.  Once on Monday, to discuss some visitation scheduling?  I'm not really sure if this is with grandfather, or the great aunt, or the parents (who have not showed up for visitation for the past 8 weeks.)  Then court again on Friday when the grandfather is filing the motion for custody.  There really is no good reason for them to deny him.  He is family and he has his brother already.

Still processing.  Still trying to find God's goodness and perfect plan in all of this.  Coming up empty handed...except for those few grains I still have.  

In which I vent...again....

Another month, another visit from our caseworker.  I'll try be brief with the news.

The grandfather calls the caseworker to complain everytime we say no to a visit.

Here's how the call went last time.
           Grandfather:  "I'm off for four days this weekend.  Thursday through Monday.  Can he sleep over?"
           Justin:  "I would rather he not.  Monday would be the only day that would work for us.  We have    
                        plans for this weekend for Megan's birthday."
           Grandfather:  *grumble*grumble*grumble* You're trying to keep him from me! grumble*grumble*


He ended up having to work everything but the weekend, so we did end up letting him go on Saturday, so sadly our plans had to change, but whatever...atleast he didn't sleep over.  There are a few reasons we don't want him to.

1- He doesn't have a crib at his house.  Most likely he would end up sleeping at the great aunt's house, which isn't licensed.  
2- He doesn't sleep well when he isn't at home, which wouldn't be too much of a problem for them, but for us who then has to deal with a cranky toddler for the next few days, it is.
3- That's just one foot in the door for him staying permanently, and although that might me coming, we want to create as much routine and normalcy as possible for our little man.
4- We give them an inch, and they think they're entitled to more.  What next?  They get him EVERY weekend?  I don't think so.

But...the caseworker says that they can take us to court and get overnights, or we can give it to them.  I really don't want to go where we did last time where things get ugly, so we're setting a schedule now where he will sleep over once every other week.

But the bad news... if we start this week, which he wants to, that would put him not being here for Christmas.

I am NOT okay with that.

Last time I checked, we're not a babysitting service who is going to watch your kid for you when its not convenient for you to take him.  We are a FAMILY and are trying to conduct our lives as such.  I am frustrated.  I am annoyed.  I am angry that they care more about playing house than they do about the well being of their grandson.  *erg*

AND...

The grandfather has hired a private lawyer and is planning on filing a motion to have custody on the next court date:  December 10th.  The case worker says that DYFS wants to appeal, but that doesn't mean that the judge will agree.  One of two things could happen:

1- The judge will grant the motion and Josiah will be removed from our home in 72 hours or worse- make plans for him to start visiting weekends...then more...then more....until slowly he is dwindled from our lives.  
2- The motion will be denied and the grandfather will file again until he gets what he wants.

I don't know how to ask you to pray.  I want to say I want God to intervene here.  I want us to keep him.  I can't imagine our lives without this little boy.  But, at the same time, I look at what our lives will be like with him- the thousands of awkward conversations with the grandfather begging us to get time with him, and us wanting to keep him for ourselves.  I would like to say we would share nice, but I honestly I wouldn't want to.  I don't want him to live like a kid with divorced parents:  their house this holiday, ours the next, etc.  I think it's great so many people love him, but I'm not a fan of putting him in the presence of a dysfunctional family if I can help it.  Am I mean?  Probably.

But as always, I remind myself that the decision will not be mine.  All of the families I know who have foster babies and have had this judge- things have not bode well for them.  The judge favors reunification, despite the amount of time children have been in foster homes, and despite what bonding evaluations say.  I can't help but brace myself once again for heartache.  Who knows if we will even need to have a conversation with the grandfather about keeping our little boy for Christmas?

Prayers, please.

Thank you.    

Psalm Thirty: Weeping to Rejoicing

"O LORD, I called to you for help and you helped me." v. 2

"Sing to the LORD, you saints of his, 

Praise his holy name.  

For his anger lasts only for a moment, 

but his favor lasts a lifetime;

Weeping may remain for a night, 

but rejoicing comes in the morning." v. 4-5

Lord, I thank you that you hear me and answer me when I need help.  Thank you that you love me, and for the fact that I never have to experience Your anger because of the work of Christ.  I see the feelings of the Psalmist were changed from weeping to rejoicing when he praised You in song.  Help me to do the same when You are trying to take me from a season of wallowing to time of worshiping. 

I think one of the hardest things to do when you are grieving to is to worship.  It is difficult to think that a God of love can be the one to allow you to walk through excruciating pain. Songs like this one were especially difficult for me to sing in church.  

"You give and take away, you give and take away. My heart will choose to say, Lord, Blessed be your name."

I think it is no accident that the Psalmist links weeping to singing and singing to rejoicing.  I remember sitting in church during dark days and trying to mouth the words to this song and no sound would come out.  It seemed strange and terrible that God would be asking me to worship Him when He was the one who had taken so much away from me.  This is when I understood the true meaning of bringing a "sacrifice of praise."  It seems silly that God would require me to tell Him about Himself. (Like He doesn't already know how awesome He is, and He needs ME to tell him.)  But, I don't think that is what true worship is for.  He requires me to tell myself about Him.  

It is during worship or a sermon or reading Scripture, or even just going about everyday life noticing creation when the "God bumps" come.  You know...that moment when you hear or see a truth about God and the evidence of that truth manifests itself in little bumps and shivers all over your arms and neck.  It's at that moment that your heart and your head are convening with your spirit, speaking to it, reaffirming the truth you know is very real...and it can't help but spill out all over your skin.  This sounds really weird...anybody with me?  

I think this is why God calls me to worship Him- because sometimes my heart can't accept the truth my head knows, and singing is a way that I can speak to myself and put the two in allignment.  I am thankful for the truth of this Scripture today.  It reminds me that there is a season to weeping- that rejoicing will come eventually, mostly when I am able to realize that what happens in my life has very little to do with me and everything to do with knowing God more.  

"Court"

After we got to Atlantic City this morning, parked the car, and walked three blocks, we saw a huge amount of people standing outside of the court house.  We were told by a police officer that they building had no electricity and that they were working on it and they didn't know when it would be open.

Two hours of driving around the block, and a cup of hot chocolate, a trip to McDonald's to use the restroom, and a stop at an outlet store to buy Justin a jacket (it was SOOO cold) later.... there was a sign taped to the door saying, "Building closed for the day.  Power is out.  Sorry for the inconvenience."

It is easy to get frustrated when Justin takes the day off of work and I get a sitter so we can make an appearance to each hearing.  But at the same time, it is almost humorous to watch the hand of God slow things down so we can have more time with our little man.

Court tomorrow

Court again on November 8th.  The big prayer request....

To get permission to cut Josiah's hair.  I know, ridiculous...but we're not allowed to cut Josiah's hair without getting the parent's permission first.  They think that we've cut it without asking them before, so they are refusing to let us.  Yes, please punish us by punishing your son by letting him have hair that is so long it gets matted.  You deserve the Parents of the Year award.

They supposedly are discussing Josiah's permanent placement tomorrow.  I'm not holding my breath to get real answers.  Answers would be nice, but not as nice as not having answers.  No answers means more time.  And time I like.  


 

A quick praise

So I had been wanting a jogging stroller for a long while now.  No, not because I jog...what a silly assumption...but because I wanted to sit Josiah and Molly side by side when we walked together.  They were getting increasingly difficult to turn in the double stroller that was given to me by a friend.  I was infinitely grateful that my friend gave this one to me.  It was this time last year that I literally could not leave the house because I had no way of transporting the two around together unless I carried a two month old, and put the 7 month old in the single stroller I had. *impossible*

And this stroller worked wonderfully until I had to put Molly in the front because it would turn better with the 30-pounder in the back.  

But then Josiah LOVED pulling Molly's hood/hat off, hitting her over the head with his cup, or pulling on her hair.  He would laugh every time he did it.  I tried putting the arm straps on him, but he would always wriggle out.  

I've been on the lookout on Craigslist for a double jogging stroller probably since last spring to no avail.  I had seen a few for $100, and that just seemed silly to pay that much when I already had a stroller. And so, humoring myself, I decided to pray for one.  It seemed a silly and frivolous thing to pray for, but I did it anyway.  

A few days later, I came home from work to my two excited children and wonderful babysitter.  (It's a small celebration everyday filled with flapping arms, and big smiles, and hugs and cheers.  It makes leaving for work bearable to know that they miss me as much as I miss them.)  After they settled down, I went upstairs to change my clothes, and I saw an envelope at the top of the stairs.  Our amazing babysitter had given us a Happy Boss's Day card.  She wrote that she had felt God telling her to give us back a portion of what we had paid her, and she put 2 $20 bills in the card.  My first inclination was to try to insist on returning the money to her, but I didn't want to offend her, and it was so gracious of her to offer us a gift.  

And wouldn't you know it....  I looked on Craigslist that night and found a double jogging stroller listed for $40. 

I love it when God provides, don't you?