Doubting and Pouting

Josiah's grandfather came to pick him up today for his second of bi-weekly overnight visits.  I woke up at 5:00 this morning with a knot in my stomach thinking about if I had enough clean clothes for him to pack in an overnight bag.  I wondered what they would think of me as a mother if his pants didn't match his shirt or if the pants I packed were too long.  And then I dreamed we had a conversation about Christmas that got really heated and ugly.

I asked Justin when he woke up if we were going to mention anything about Christmas, which is now only two weeks away from today.  He said he still wants the case worker to handle it.  And I think to myself..."You mean the caseworker that we still don't know who she is or when or if she will ever call us back when we speak to her voicemail after 10 times?  You want to let her handle it?  And she probably won't deal with it anyway.  And that'll leave us on Christmas Eve wondering if the grandfather is picking him up the next morning.  Maybe we can go and hide somewhere all day on Christmas so they can't find us."  I'm such a loving supportive wife sometimes.  

I got Josiah all ready and packed his bag while Justin fed the littles some breakfast.  The grandfather showed up on time and David stormed excitedly in the house while the grandfather put Josiah's car seat in his minivan.  I asked David about his Christmas tree and he told me that Josiah and him were going to play with cars and trains today.  When the grandfather came in, I put Josiah down on the floor with his arms sticking up from his puffy winter coat.  I wanted the grandfather to pick him up so I wouldn't have to hand Josiah to him.  I thought that there would be less crying and fussiness if we made the transfer this way.  I was wrong.  I had to close the door behind him with his trying to wriggle free from the grandfather's arms screaming, "Mama! Mama!  Hold you! Hold you!"

I.  Don't.  Like.  This.

Justin helped carry Josiah's bags out to the car and what I thought would be a pleasant and quick, "We'll see you tomorrow!" conversation turned into an ugly ten minute ranting from the grandfather.  I couldn't tell everything that was said, and Justin doesn't like to rehash uncomfortable situations, but I could see from the living room window that the grandfather was doing most of the talking and Justin looked defeated with slumped shoulders and arms folded.

Here's what I gathered from the conversation in bits and pieces Justin has told me: Court yesterday did not go well for the grandfather.  The court denied his appeal because it was filed incorrectly by his lawyer.  He accuses us, as usual, from keeping Josiah from his family.  He asked us how we can in good conscience keep two brothers apart from each other?

I want to tell him that WE aren't keeping Josiah from him.  The state is.  WE didn't not remove him from his daughter's custody.  THE STATE DID.  We are keeping him in a loving home until the STATE tells us we have to do otherwise.  I want to say he IS in a FAMILY already.  He isn't missing anything besides daycare and an inconsistent lifestyle.

The grandfather told Justin that if we adopt him, that he is going to tell Josiah the "truth" when he is old enough to understand it:  That his real family wanted him and that WE kept him from being with them.

And I tell Justin, "Well, that just means that he won't be a part of their lives if they are going to undermine our family structure."  And Justin says, "How can we keep a grandfather from his grandson, a brother from his brother?"        

The grandfather is under the impression that if we say that we don't want Josiah anymore that he will be placed in another foster home, and that home will be his.  He thinks that we have more power than we do.  He thinks that we should let him go to his house whenever he wants to because if we don't, then we're not allowing him to bond with his "real" family.  Does this sound ridiculous to anyone else?

Part of me says- I just want this to be over.  I can't stand the constant feeling like we're doing something wrong, like we're making poor choices or we're doing something selfish if we want Josiah to be with us. I can't stand Justin being so broken and tortured over feeling like we should relinquish this sweet boy over to someone else's family.  I don't want a life like this, being intertwined with constant crazy.

So this leaves me asking myself some questions...please bear with me as I process...

-How would I feel if I grew up knowing I was adopted and my biological family wanted me?
-How would I feel if I grew up knowing I had a sibling that was kept from me?
-It is the decision really up to me?
-Could I give over rights for him to go home to his family?  If I could, would I? Should I?  
-What's better- to keep him for as long as I could and then have to explain to a 4 year-old that he's going "home" to live with his brother or give him up now when he won't have any recollection of this family that he knows now?
-Can I put Justin through his for another year?  What about Molly? Is it right to put her through this?
- Am I just being selfish for thinking my home is better than theirs?
- If I send him away to live in a home with people that don't go to church, is he going to be taught about God?  Is he going to know the love of Jesus?  Will God's grace reach him if I'm not the one showing it to him?

I don't want to choice to be mine.  I want God to choose the time when and if Josiah leaves.  But what if I could choose for all of this to be over?

What would you do?  Really...I'm asking for advice here...