Details of the Decision

I never ever ever thought things would end this way.  I imagined finality coming from the court room- either a cry of celebration or tears of defeat with a single word from the judge.  I was willing to fight long and hard and haggle for more time with my sweet boy, whatever it took to extract more time together with him.  We were "winning."  Every court hearing, every evaluation, every time we spoke to DYFS, we were the family chosen in their favor.  They wanted him to stay.  I wasn't going to argue with them.  


But the realization from last week gave us this insight.  Things were going to end one of two ways:  


1- After possibly years of court hearings, more evaluations, dozens more visitations with crazy parents, and overnight weekend visits with the grandparents, the judge would be in our favor and we would get to keep him.  Josiah would be around 4 years old, and would start to understand who all of these people were.  He would grow to tolerate maybe even love his grandparents.  But seeing what they planned on saying to him, we knew that we would have to cut ties with his family.  We couldn't have them indoctrinating him with "this is your REAL family who loves you, who you can't live with.  This is your REAL brother who your 'parents' aren't allowing you to see."  Things would get so ugly and uncomfortable and be painful for all parties involved until permanency came.  It would be a long hard road, but one I was willing to take.  


or 2- After years of court hearings, more evaluations, dozens more visitations with crazy parents, and overnight weekend visits with the grandparents, the judge would be in favor of the grandparents, and I would have to explain to a four year old that he was going to live with his brother.  I would have to explain to a four year old Molly that practically her "twin" brother wasn't going to be here brother anymore.  The transition would be so painful for everyone of us- most of all for Josiah.  Things would get so ugly between the grandparents that they would be even more bitter than they are now; they would hate us for keeping him for so long when we could have relinquished our desire to keep him long ago before more damage was done.    


One reason that we got into foster care was to give a loving home to a child who needs one. 


It had been revealed to us that Josiah wasn't a child who needed a loving home.  He had one waiting for him- a home that had his biological brother and two grandparents who loved him so much whose sole desire was to keep their family whole.  I don't have to worry how most foster parents do when returning a child back to biological family.  These aren't people who are going to relapse into drug use.  This isn't a home that is unsafe.  And unlike if he would be going to his great-aunt, there would be a male influence in his life.  

If it were just me and Josiah, I would be on a plane to Panama as we speak, but there are so many people that I love that I need to consider.  


Justin- I have watched over the past few months how the situation has been making him weary.  He is the one that deals with the grandfather's calls, and he would get a knot in his stomach every time his number would come up on his phone.  The man has a lot on his plate:  he's coaching basketball, dealing with discipline issues at school, taking master's classes online, teaching, and with what energy he has left he is pouring into the lives of two energetic toddlers- not to mention dealing with a weary and somewhat demanding wife right now.  He has lost 45 pounds in the past 4 months because he tells me, "It is the one thing he can control."  If that's not a red flag, I don't know what is.  


Molly- I love my little girl, and I don't want to see her in pain.  If there is any way I can prevent the pain of losing a brother, I want to do that for her. She is so special and so loved, and I can't imagine spending years of time agonizing over whether or not we are losing Josiah.  I don't want to lose time with her either.  


Josiah's family- As hard as it is to admit, I want what is best for Josiah's family too.  I know I say I want to cut ties with them if we were to adopt him, but with how passionate and stubborn Josiah's grandfather is, things would not be over until he would win.  Do I want to make him spend thousands of dollars in lawyer fees, wasting savings that could go to future college funds for the boys? (I know, speculation....its just a thought.)  And while Josiah would have other siblings, David wouldn't.  I don't want to take away David's brother from him.  


Josiah- Watching him leave every other weekend and for visitation (when the parents show up) is absolute torture.  Watching him cry and flail and beg for me to hold him is agony. It reminds me of the two women fighting over the baby in front of King Solomon.  As painful as the decision is, I would rather not have my baby at all than watch him live a life where he is constantly being fought over and torn in two.  


and then.... there's this one....

I wasn't going to say anything until the oh-so-scary first trimester was over, but since the news has played a part in our decision I feel it is only right to share.  I am currently 10 weeks pregnant- feeling awful and tired and sick and hating food and things that smell.  The stress of Josiah has only added to anxiety, and anxiety hasn't been good for me, let alone the pregnancy.  Please don't think that I am okay with losing Josiah because I have another baby on the way.  I am not replacing him.  But I worry if I can be a good mom to three babies under 2 and a half years old.  I know I could do it.  But could I do it well? I don't know.  

Justin was the first of us who came up with the decision to try to get Josiah to his grandfather's as soon as possible.  I fought kicking and screaming.  I don't want to lose my son.  I felt like we have been fighting so long and so hard and to give up now seemed like all we had gone through had been for nothing.  I can't imagine my life without Josiah, and I don't want to.  The past few days have been exhausting and filled with more tears than I've shed in a long time.  But when all is said and done, I can fully trust that Justin as the spiritual leader of our home can decide what is God's best is for our family. It came down to a lesson in submission.  My head knows what is right, but my heart doesn't.  And when they aren't in agreement, I can trust that Justin is seeking God's will, and I need to agree with him.  

I have a lot more to write, but I feel that's all I can process right now.  I feel bruised and broken and defeated.  I know that this is the right decision, but every time I look at Josiah, I think about all the things I will never get to do with him.  Lots of more tears will be shed, but I hope that there will be more happy memories made within the next few weeks than sad ones.