Chapter 40: Humble Conversations

It's been a dark couple of weeks for me- a time when I've been questioning my calling as a foster parent, wondering if I have gone before God's hand of provision and provided something for myself because I was too impatient to wait for His perfect timing.  It seemed as though we stepped in a deep pot hole along the way, and I thought that it might be a sign that we were not on the right path at all.

It all stems from the controversy we had with Josiah's grandparents.  It feels awful to be hated, and even worse to be accused of something that we know we aren't. ("bad Christian people")  We felt we were in God's will by creating some protection for Josiah from people that he only knows as strangers.  And maybe we were protecting ourselves a little too.  Either way, it felt as though we were floundering.  We had gone above and beyond anything any regular foster parent had done by allowing Josiah to see his family in the first place.  None of us imagined it would take so long for Josiah to be placed in a permanent home, and any relationship we made with his family was an investment in the future:  Josiah's future, and ours too.  (We wanted to know them so if Josiah was adopted by them, we wouldn't have to break ties with our little man.)  Because it had taken so long and DYFS named us as their primary choice for placement, that's when things got ugly.  All of us hate how long the process has taken.

We had such peace about getting into a relationship with his family ....and now?  It felt wretched.  Every time I saw a PT Cruiser on the road (Josiah's grandfather's car) I got a knot in my stomach.  But Justin and I decided we should have our case worker handle things.  It wasn't our place to reconcile, right?  We thought we did nothing wrong.  But- our case worker has been on vacation the past two weeks, leaving the severed relationship feeling like a splinter in my eye.  I felt like it was all my fault.  I had been the one nagging Justin to call the grandfather, telling him what to say, even practicing the conversation with him. (Justin is very good at talking to people with eloquence and resolve and with great wisdom and patience.  He is the Dean of Men at our school, and is in charge of discipline for the boys.  He talks with parents and students everyday, righting wrongs, disciplining, discipling, and reconciling relationships.)   When the "we need to stop visits for a while because its not what is best for Josiah for now" conversation between Justin and the grandfather finally did happen, Justin, was just awkward.  ( I know because I eavesdropped.) :o)  He didn't feel like he got his point across to him very well and left the conversation feeling like, "well... at least its over.  It's in their court to pursue visitation if that's what they want."

So the past few weeks, although I felt awful for not calling up and explaining ourselves further and why we made the decision we did, I knew it wasn't my place to do anything.  It was Justin's.  

In my devotions this week, I've been in the book of Ruth.

(Sidebar:  I'm doing this amazing book in a women's Bible Study.  5 stars.  2 thumbs up.  Awesomeness.  If you're looking for a Bible study to do...this is it.  Look no further.)

In this particular lesson, the author writes about the conversation Ruth had with Naomi in convincing her with resolve and humbleness that she was going to go with her to Bethlehem and not stay in Moab.  She writes, "Sometimes we need to speak the hard word.  Sometimes we need to speak the word of forgiveness or the word of accepting forgiveness.  Other times we need to speak the loving, determined, or committed word. Always the humble word."        

In a personal response question following that statement, the author says, "I know we're wading into sensitive waters, but do you need to speak a word to someone?  Matthew 5:23-24 talks about the importance of not delaying in certain circumstances.  If you are sensing the Holy Spirit's nudge, write it here:"

Nudge?  If you push any harder, Holy Spirit, you're going to send me over the edge of a cliff!   


And I wrote, "I feel convicted to have a conversation with Josiah's family.  I feel we have wronged them unintentionally.  I don't feel I will be able to make them see how I see and feel what I feel- and I don't know if that is important.  But it is uncomfortable knowing someone disagrees with our decision concerning what is right for Josiah.  I feel powerless. Justin is the one who needs to have the conversation, not me."  

Every conversation we had prior to this, Justin and I said that we were going to allow DYFS to be our third party mediators.  Let everything be documented.  Let everything be "civil" and not "personal."  Let them decide what is best for the situation.  We're not capable of talking with the family and it not being ugly.  We wanted ourselves protected.  Justin was fine with it.  But the more time passed, the more uncomfortable that decision felt.

So I did something I've never done before.  I didn't tell Justin how I felt.  I didn't nag.  I just prayed.  I prayed that if God wanted Justin to reconcile this relationship, He would lay it on Justin's heart to do so.

And then, God answered.

On our way to church on Sunday, and out of nowhere Justin turned to me and said, "I need to call Josiah's grandfather today."

"Why?" I asked.

"Because I feel we're supposed to make things right."

I answered, "Whatever you feel you need to do, I will support you.  If you want to wait for our caseworker to talk to them, that's fine.  If you want to talk to him yourself, that's fine too.  Any way you want to handle it, I will support you."  I could hardly believe the words that were coming out of my mouth.  I'm usually the first to chime in with my two cents and let Justin know the way he should handle things.  And when we got home from church, I didn't hand Justin the phone, I didn't look up the phone number, and I didn't ask when he was going to call.  Justin usually waits until the evening to call people anyway.  The grandfather was probably working and Justin likes to stew about things for a while before he talks to people.  But at 12:45 he asked me to look up the number on the computer, so I did, and I gave it to him.  "Do you want me to practice with you what you're going to say?" I asked.  He didn't.  He just dialed and went outside on the patio.  The grandfather wasn't home, but his wife said that he was probably on his lunch break and that he would call Justin back.  He did twenty minutes later.

I can't tell you exactly what was said in the half-an-hour long conversation.  (Usually I make Justin rehash every word, recounting not only what was said, but how it was said.)  I can tell you that when I peeked at him on the phone through the window, he did a lot more listening than talking.

Justin told me that the week before, he had made a wrong decision about how to discipline a certain student, and a parent came in and complained.  He had to admit that he was wrong, and with humbleness and sincerity, asked for forgiveness from the parent.  He saw how they reacted, watching anger dispel and a relationship between them restored.  That incident paved the way for this very conversation with the grandfather.

Justin said that right before he had called, the grandfather said he was sitting down at his lunch break and writing us a letter to apologize to us.  He didn't know how to approach us and ask for forgiveness on what he had said, nor did he want us to think he was "harassing" us.  He thought we were taking his grandson away from him, and hated how DYFS was handling things.  He was so frustrated with the situation and he didn't know what to do.  He told Justin the whole story- about why he didn't take Josiah in when he was born and the whole story of his dysfunctional family.

Justin never apologized for the decision we made, but he did say he was sorry for how he handled things  and that didn't explain himself well the first time- that we didn't want to stop visits altogether, but we were concerned with the frequency of them.  (He was asking every weekend!)  And we needed time to be a family together too.  I still don't think the grandfather understands our side completely, but everyone was forgiven, and plans were made for Josiah to go to his house on Saturday.  Hopefully now, the precedent has been set about being forthright and honest when it comes to how we feel about Josiah going over not so frequently.

An hour after Justin hung up the phone, Josiah's law guardian called.  Justin was able to tell her that we had made plans for Josiah to see his brother, and the courts didn't need to get involved with scheduling visits (which were going to be overnight visits.)  In court the next day, she was able to report that information.

I am amazed at God's timing, how He is faithful in answering prayer, and I love to see what happens when we are yielded to His Spirit with humbleness.