Chapter 34: Time to climb into the wheelbarrow

I love my church.  Despite it being a half an hour away and in what you non-Jersians call a "shore town," Calvary Chapel Ocean City is awesome.  We have three services on Sunday mornings which, in the off- season, accommodate probably 600-700 people on any given Sunday.  In the summer, however, with both overflow rooms packed to beyond fire-hazard capacity and sometimes people even sitting on the stage, the congregation can reach at least 1000, which does not include kids in the children's ministry.  The middle service at 9:45 is the most packed, and if you don't get there at least 15 minutes before the service, you're not going to be able to sit in the sanctuary.  I'm not a huge-crowd-loving person, but unfortunately, the middle service is the only one we can attend because it is the only time slot that doesn't require feeding or naps for the babies.

So that being said, the summer is not the season to dedicate babies, being that it brings in usually an extra 25 people that we don't have the room for.  And even if there WAS a dedication, it would most likely be at the 8:00 or 11:30 service.  I haven't seen a dedication probably since January-maybe.  But hey- guess what happened last Sunday at the 9:45 service?!

I'm sure God appreciates when I roll my eyes at Him.

I was really hoping to get away from this issue.  Looks likes its not going to happen any time soon.  I can't exactly say it felt like there were butterflies in my stomach during the entire service.  Did you ever have one of those rock polishers as a kid- the kind where you put jagged rocks and sand in and then let it run and tumble for days and days and days until the rocks come out all shiny and polished?  Yeah- it felt like it was one of those in my belly.

And then came the real kicker.

The sermon was about Saul on the road to Damascus and how God uses our circumstances around us to get our attention.  My pastor's main point was this: Loving God and Trusting God are vastly different levels of spiritual maturity.  And then he asked, "What areas in your life is God calling you to trust Him?  What areas are you holding back from God because you want to control them?  Do you love God, or do you really trust God...because they are not the same thing."

He used an illustration about a man called "The Great Blondin."  The Great Blondin was the first man to ever cross Niagara Falls on a tight rope.  He could cross the tightrope blindfolded, he crossed it at night in the dark, he crossed it while juggling bowling balls, and even with a wheelbarrow full of bricks.

After the crowds stood in awe watching him achieve the unthinkable time and time again, Blondin looked at a little boy in the crowd and said, "Do you think I can cross the tightrope with the wheelbarrow again?"

"Of course, you can!"  the little boy exclaimed.
 "Are you sure?" Blondin asked.
"You're the Great Blondin," the little boy said, "I've seen you do it over and over again.  I'm certain you can cross with the wheelbarrow as many times as you want!"
"If you truly believe that,"  Blondin asked, "then will you climb inside the wheelbarrow?"

Believing and trusting are two very different things.

I hate when God makes me uncomfortable.  And I love it all at the same time, because it shows me that He loves me enough to not leave me unchanged.

There is no greater time for trusting God than now.  I just received the call from DYFS confirming our first bonding evaluation for tomorrow.  I am rock-polisher-uncomfortable and can't-sit-still-nervous.  I've begged and pleaded with God for Josiah to stay, and so far He has worked a countless number of times slowing things down so that my prayer has been answered.  But this is the first time that I feel I will have something to do with changing the outcome.  I think God is asking me to trust Him now, so that HE will get the glory for the result, not me.

So what does trusting God with the lives of my children look like?  Because what it looks like to me now is saying that whatever happens from here on out I'm going to be peachy-keen with the outcome.  It means putting on a happy face when I don't get what I want, shrugging, and saying, "Oh well.  God must not have wanted what I wanted."  And I don't know, in the end, that I will be okay with that.  But... I want to WANT to be okay with whatever God has for my children.  Does that make any sense at all?

So here's my plan.  I'm just going to be honest with God.  I'm going to tell Him how hard it is to surrender control.  I'm going to tell Him that my children are His anyway and that I have no claim to them.  And I'm going to ask Him to help me be okay with whatever He has called them to.

Tomorrow I'm going to be praying that prayer dozens of times before we go for the evaluation.  Maybe I'll get to the point where I only have to pray it once a day after I start believing what I'm saying is true.

Will you please join your heart in prayer with mine and ask for God's will to be done in Josiah's life tomorrow?  Will you also pray that Justin and I will be at peace with whatever the outcome is?

2:00 through 5:00 tomorow.  That's when it is. (Justin and my evaluation is at 4:00 and other family members' evaluations are before that.)

Bible verses, people, that's what I need.  I need a good healthy dose of truth to combat some of these awful feelings of doubt and hopelessness and impending sorrow.  Please, please leave a comment and share some.  I would really appreciate it.