"May he give you the desire of your heart and may all your plans succeed. We will shout for joy when you are victorious and will lift up our banners in the name of our God. May the LORD grant all of your requests." v. 4-5
"NOW I KNOW that the LORD saves his anointed; he answers him from his holy heaven with saving power of his right hand." v. 6
God, I pray that you will allow my experiences to always attest to your faithfulness. Help me be a source of strength when those around me struggle. How I long to be able to look back and say, "NOW I KNOW you worked in ways only You could." Give me patience and hope until that day comes, and help me never fail to see how in my weakness you can show yourself strong.
In this drawing, a climber who has weathered the storms and trials his life is making his way up the mountain toward peace and rest- God. Along the way, since the road is familiar, he is helping a friend who is struggling up the same path.
I've decided that I've needed to add another layer to what these Psalms have become to me. These were written a long time ago- I'm now up to Psalm 34 and am taking my time posting them. I love how my Josiah Story and Psalms have been knit together as I revisit lessons that I've learned and now need to re-learn. I know it's probably confusing to write them into the story this way. I wish I would have been blogging all along my journey. But since I haven't, I'll try to take you through what this Psalm meant in my life when I first read it...and what it has taught me since.
I wrote this on December 20, 2008. We had just finished taking our DYFS classes and I couldn't wait to be done with the process and finally get our first placement. And I had just been diagnosed with my condition of having a "unicornuate uterus," making chances of carrying a pregnancy to full-term close to impossible. We had just lost baby #4. So that's where I was. Waiting. and not too happy about it, but trying to be.
On December 21, 2008, on an early Sunday morning before Justin was awake and I had to get ready to go to church, having tried to digest the passage and actually believe what I had written about it the day before, I wrote these words. I penned them on a loose leaf notebook page, tore it out and stuck it in the back of my Psalms Illustrated Journal....
"I've often heard it said that we grow the most as Christians when we're in the valleys, walking amongst the shadow of death- filled with grief and letting God's rod and staff comfort us. But it is here when we realize we need God the most- He is never nearer or more real to us than when we are in pain. I believe that the true faith of a Christian does not grow the most in this place. It is when the sting of death leaves us, and while it still lingers like a scar that won't go away, we need to carry on with our everyday lives, still not seeing the full purpose of our own suffering. So slowly, painstakingly, and persistently with God's help, we start climbing again, trying to gain distance from pain, trying not to look back but knowing God still wants you to.
Here I climb in the in-between. Hovering over the hurt - yet yearning for the top of the spiritual mountain wanting so desperately to gain perspective that may never come.
But as I slowly climb, I am learning more and more about the character of this God I thought I knew so intimately, and clearly did not. As I climb I am gaining time and space and a tiny glimpse of what my life might be like someday. And as I climb, God gives me opportunities to share my story with others who may need to hear it. God also gives me a sense of relief, knowing He allowed this little pain in my life to come now because He knew I couldn't handle an even larger pain later. I want so badly to be GLAD- by seeing what God has saved me FROM.
And sometimes when I am climbing, I have a sense of joy, knowing someday that I will know what God saved me FOR. This is what HOPE is. Wishing, wanting, praying, dreaming. The longer I'm here, the larger my dream gets. The sweeter the victory will taste one day. God is allowing me to look around and see that this journey we're on together is much bigger than just the two of us.
So I wait here in the in-between, in a place where God says, "wait" and "be still" and "know that I am God." I am glad to see what God has saved me from and hopeful for what He has saved me for, and I am content that he loves me enough to save me at all.
I am neither in the valley nor on the mountain, but I am growing closer to my Savior because of it.
"Glad": being thankful for what God has saved you from
"Hope": imagining what God has saved you for
"Contentment": being thankful God saved you at all"
I was particularly weepy that morning. More emotional than usual. Little did I know that I was pregnant again - this time with our Molly Grace- when I wrote these words. Little did I know that a stranger who would become my son was due to be born in 3 months. I knew little. I hurt much.
Now...what do the verses from Psalm twenty teach me?
Am I finally at the top of the mountain I desperately wanted to get to?
No.
A year and a half later, I'm still climbing, but looking down now, I don't see my pain, I see so many others who are on this path too. And I look up and see faithful Christians encouraging me who have already traveled this road. I am thankful that the higher I climb, the more I see this enormous picture I never imagined. I see how many lives are affected. I see how the climb isn't all about me anymore.
Am I still in pain from all the losses God brought into my life?
Yes, but not as much.
The pain still lingers, but the sting is now gone. I'm glad it still hurts. I'm glad my babies made a lasting impact on my life. But, unlike what I imagined it would be, I'm not motivated by grief- to try to distance myself from it as much as I possibly can. I am motivated by my love for them. I'm excited that they made a difference in me, and will now make a difference to others.
Am I glad?
YES! I can say that now!
Am I hopeful?
My hope has been fulfilled through the gift of my daughter. It still lingers in the desire to keep my son.
Am I content?
Oh I wish I could say that. I wish I could say that everyday I think about the sacrifice that Christ has given so my babies could live and that I could live with them one day. Contentment is something I need to work on. Climb, climb, climb, Megan. But stop doing it on your own strength.
"NOW I KNOW that the LORD saves his anointed; he answers him from his holy heaven with saving power of his right hand."
What, dear reader, is this Psalm teaching you today?
4 comments:
At first when I read the title of this post, I thought there was some news about Josiah. I was simultaneously excited for you to finally hear something definite and annoyed I was reading about it on your blog. :op
But then I read the post. And really, as much as uncertainty is no fun at all, it really is more important to KNOW that the Lord saves His anointed with the saving power of His right hand. It reminds me of the conversation you had with one of your students about whether on not Josiah will know Jesus and how much more important that is than whether or not you get to keep him. I'm excited for what his relationship with Jesus will look like, how God's love has already been so generously bestowed on him through you and Justin. So much love to your whole little family today. It's good to KNOW.
Yes, I suppose that was a little deceiving to give it that title- but I wrote it 12/20/08, so I definitely didn't do it on purpose. I love how all of these little lessons I'm revisiting as I write the story of Josiah are all now being so enlightened as they are knit together. I know they are things that God wanted to teach me then- I love when He uses old lessons to RE-teach me so I can learn how to now apply them to my life now.
You are so right. The things that we KNOW for certain- our salvation- are far more important than the little details we spend so much time worrying about. I'm glad you pointed that out.
God does that for me with my songs a lot. I'm all like, "Man, I'm glad I learned that lesson," and I move on and years later, I'm singing through my songs and I'm like, "Oh yeah. Guess I need to learn that all over again." I love how are translates like that, how it's never obsolete.
I love the new blog layout! So pretty and so you! Nicely done.
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