Chapter 25: "The Talk"

That's right.  Thundering applause, people.  I had it.  "The talk."  The one I was dreading and sweating over for months.  I told Brenda we want to keep our Josiah.  The words came out.  finally.  I practically prayed them out until they rolled off of my tongue better than I ever thought they would come.  Turns out waiting for God's timing was what I had to do.  Shocker.  Do you think I'd learn the whole patience thing yet?

I thought our talk last week had produced my desired results of NOT coming to my house anymore for visits.  Since they haven't been set up yet at the DYFS office, and she still wanted to see him this week, she called me and wanted to come over.  I told her that she was always welcome, but I really wanted to stay in the room with them.  My heart had barely healed over the excruciating episode that was last week.  I couldn't take the crying anymore. His or mine.

We small-talked for about an hour while Josiah played on the floor and Molly napped upstairs. Then she asked me a question...

"When you got Josiah dedicated at your church, did you name Godparents for him?"

I told her that we didn't.  Then she said, "Well, when he comes to live with me, I would like for you and Justin to be his Godparents.  And he can still call you "mama" and "dada" and I want you to pray for him and have a spiritual influence over him."

I started crying.  So much for a visit without tears.  I told her how much it meant to be able to still be a part of his life, and that the hardest part of all of this was thinking that Josiah would grow up without a daddy.  Tears.  Tears.  And he already had a good one.  More tears.  Justin was an amazing dad, and I didn't want to see Josiah lose his daddy.  I was so afraid that not having a dad would affect the way he viewed his Heavenly Father.  And I just wanted him to know how much he was loved.

She told me how much she understood how hard this was for us and hated seeing us in pain.  After adopting four children herself she understood how bonded we felt to him.  Her own daughter is now trying to adopt a baby whose family might take her away.  She gets it.  from all angles.  She told us she only wished we could see it from hers.

"I have to admit," I said, "I pray that he can stay.  I don't see him any differently than I see Molly.  He is my son like she is my daughter, and if I think if it any differently, Molly gets gipped.  I read to HIM more, I sing to HIM more, I go to HIM when they both cry.  And I miss all of the wonderful little moments of Molly's life that I need to be savoring as her mama.  But if I think he's staying, I can focus on them both and treasure them BOTH."

She told me that if I didn't want to keep him, she would worry that I didn't love him like he deserves to be loved.  And she knows how much he's loved and cared for here.  "When I think about you guys keeping him," she said, "I just go back to what you told me what you prayed- that you wanted to give a loving home to a child who needed one.  You have to wrong baby for that- he already has a loving home to go to."

"Did you ever pray about the possibility of him staying here?" I asked.  I was shocked at my own brazenness.      

She told me the story how God had opened all the doors for her to come to New Jersey despite her strong desire never to return to the state.  It pretty much put my Josiah story to shame all the pieces that fell into place for her to get here.  Then she said something that would take a really mature Christian to say.  "Maybe God brought me here for a different reason than to get Josiah.  I don't think so, but maybe He did.  That's why I feel so comfortable waiting for God's perfect timing to reveal his perfect will."  She told me how she felt I had been so mislead by all the caseworkers who gave me hope that he could stay.  She was always told that they always look at family first.

I told her we had been praying about whether or not to fight in court for him, and I was leaning towards that we were.  If God was going to have Josiah to stay with us, I didn't want to close the door by not allowing every possibility to stay open.  Does that make sense?  But, I told her, if we lost, I was afraid that if we did that, the family would get angry and lose contact with us and we'd never see Josiah again.

Brenda said that would never happen.  Every action that we would exhibit to try to keep him would only be because we loved him so much, not because we didn't love his family.

I agreed.  I told her how excited I was when we heard it was going to be an open adoption, how we would get to minister not just to a baby, but a whole family.  Our intention was never to take him away from his family, but to include them as a part of ours.

I told her how afraid I was to tell her I wanted Josiah to stay.  She said with how much Justin and I love him, she already knew.

To recap...

She now knows we want to keep him.
She now knows we want to fight for him.
She now knows how much we love him.

And I now know...
That even if we didn't get to keep him, the family won't hate us for trying to.
That Brenda is a true sister in Christ that is just seeking God's will for Josiah's life, just like I am.


It's hard not knowing God's will at the end of the story, but it sure feels good to know I'm in God's will in the middle of it.  It feels good to have a sister in Christ to walk this road with me.  How strange it is we both want the same end to our path, but we trust that the One who created the road intends His perfect will to be done in the life of our little boy---for Josiah's greatest good and for His greatest glory.