Being and Doing

I believe there is a large gap that should separate the philosophies of "who we are" and "what we do." But unfortunately from the time we are young, we are taught they are one in the same.  "Hey little Johnny, what do you want to be when you grow up?"  And he'll say "firefighter, truck driver, policeman."  Ask other children and they'll say "a mommy," "teacher," "cook," "artist."  These are all the things they want to do; perhaps if they understood the true answer to that question they would say, "When I grow up, I want to be brave", or "creative", or "helpful", or "smart."

And still as "grown-ups" we spur on the misconception by either taking pride or feeling shameful in answering the question to the title of our vocation.  We'll give disclaimers like, "I'm a secretary, but I'm  really trying to become a free-lance graphic designer."  or  "I work the nightshift now, but I'll be promoted to manager in a few years, " or if you're like me, "I'm a stay-at-home mom, but I used be an art teacher."  (Like I have to clarify that I really know how to do more than feed and bathe and diaper and launder.)

I was imagining that a true sense of fulfillment would come when I finally could say I was a wife and mother.  If you asked me at the age of five what I wanted to be when I grew up, that would have been my answer.  It's a role I've been preparing a lifetime for.  And now that I have it, I find myself still a little on the empty and lonely side.  Feeling this way has forced me to examine the reason of why staying at home and being only a wife and mom isn't making me feel like I am being all that God created me to be.              
It makes me ask that question:

What do I want to be when I grow up?  

And after some pondering and praying, no matter what the title of my vocation or list of daily activities is, this the answer that I've come up with:  

1. I want to be generous to others- with my time and talents and education I've been blessed to receive.

2. I want to be efficient- to be organized with my possessions, and look back on my day and know that the time God has blessed me with was not wasted.

3. I want to be creative- this is the part of me that most resonates with the character of God.  I know He loves me because I am surrounded by beauty, and I want to show and share that beauty with others.  

4. I want to be a good wife.  I want my words to be kind and my actions to be loving.  I want my husband to know that he is daily becoming closer to who God created him to be because above every other girl he could have chosen, he chose me to be his helpmeet.

5. I want to be a good mom.   I want to be patient.  I want to find joy in the simplest of my children's discoveries, rejoice with them when they reach the smallest of milestones, cuddle and encourage when they make mistakes.

6. I want to be a learner- of God's word, of new skills, of cooking, of painting techniques, of anything that will help me to be better at all the things listed above.



I am by no means trying to complain because I know I am beyond blessed, and I do feel completely honored to be a stay-at-home mother to Josiah and Molly.  But what I have is harder than caring for twins.  They are both so little, so helpless, so mobile, and into everything imaginable.  They are 5 and 1/2 months apart, so Josiah is constantly trying to bully Molly.  Molly is frustrated that she can't walk and feed herself like Josiah can.  They are on flip-flopped nap schedules- Molly naps from 10-11 and 3-5.  Josiah sleeps from 11:30-2:30.  They also share a room, so if I do put them down at the same time, they just stand in their cribs and jump up and down and laugh and chatter together.  I should be flexible some days and try to fudge their nap times so I can get out of the house and have a social life.  But I am under the philosophy that nap time is sacred.  I face the consequences for two crippling days afterwards trying to get them back to their schedule.  So that leaves me with no way to get of the house and never time to get a break from children until 8:00 at night when they are sleeping and I am beyond exhausted and irritable.  This role does not put me anywhere close to the person I want to BE because:

1. I am frugal with my time and talents and resources because most of my energy is spent doing all the daily tasks that is required of keeping two babies clean, healthy, happy, well-rested, and well-fed.

2. I am not efficient with my time.  Because when I am home all day, I think I have so much time to do everything on my list, that hardly any of it gets done.  And my house is usually messy because trying to keep a house tidy with two little ones?  Close to impossible.

3. I am not creative.  I'm too lazy tired to be.

4. Honestly, I am not a very good wife.  My husband would probably disagree but I know I could be better.  I want to have conversations that don't center around, "This is what I did today, so it's your turn to take over with the kids."  When I am tired, I am not as kind or loving as I could or should be.

5.  I spend more time than I should not appreciating little details of my children's childhood because I'm trying to juggle their care and not going crazy because I am in need of social contact.   That is why I blog and am on the computer more than I should be.  It is my only way to feel that I am connected to the world without having to call anyone or go anywhere.

6. I don't spend much time learning new things.  I have time and energy to do what I know- and that's about it.  

  
This is something I've been praying a lot about lately.  I want to find contentment in every role and season God has called me to, but I think when shadows of "I know I should be/could be more" start to creep up on me, I need to listen.  

It seems God has answered with a resounding, "I care more about who you are than what you do."  And in an amazing turn of events, He has opened up a new role for me.  I'm not so excited about what this means I'm going to do.  I'm more excited about what this new role is going to enable me to be.

All that to say, I'm going back to work.

A part-time position has opened up at the school where I taught for 3 years.  This is where Justin and I met.  It is a 5 minute drive from my house.  And Justin teaches there.  I'm going to be teaching 3 classes in the afternoon- a 9th grade drawing class, an upper-lever art history/careers in art class, and home ec. (that one I've never taught before.)  My mother-in-law is watching the kids one day, and a family friend is watching them the other 4 days of the week.  They are going to be coming to my house to watch them so the kids' nap schedule is not interrupted.  Most of the time I'll be gone, the kids will be napping, so I won't feel like I've missed too much of their day.  Here's what I'm hoping this new role will accomplish:

1.  I get to teach what I know to others.  I won't feel like I've wasted the years and money I spent educating myself.

2.  I will need to be more efficient with my time.  I will have less of it.  I always get more things done when I have to budget my time better.  It sounds silly that being busier allows me to get more things done, but its so true.  Having other people at the house all the time will hopefully force me to be more organized and keep the house in better shape.

3.  I get to be creative again!  I love coming up with fun lesson plans and making art myself that demonstrates techniques that I'm teaching.

4.  I get to spend more time with Justin.  What I love most about working with him is being involved in the same ministry.  Not that being parents together isn't "ministry" but I love that we'll have things in common again to talk about when we get home.

5.  Even though the quantity of time I'll spend with my kids will be shorter, I'm hoping the quality will be better.  Since our time is limited, I'm hoping I will savor our time together more.

6.  There is no better way of learning new things than to teach new things.  It makes you responsible and "own" information when you teach it.  I can't wait to delve into cooking and sewing with home ec. students!

So, once again, God is gracious.  I am thankful that He cares more about who I am than what I do.  It's like a cherry on top of a pile of blessings when I get to do what I love to do while being who I'm supposed to be!

What do you want to be when you grow up?