Chapter 29: What I See, What I Want, and What I Know

Today in honor of a wonderfully talented, recently-departed artist that I met when I was in college, I brought a book written by him to read while waiting at court today.  I love art books.  Yes, I'm twenty-eight and my favorite kind of book has more pictures than words.  The book is called "How I Paint: Secrets of a Sunday Painter."  There's nothing better than reading a writer's words who can describe the artistic process.

"Every picture I paint is a three-way struggle between what I know, what I see, and what I want.  Little kids draw what they know: the sky is up, so blue appears at the top of the page; Mommy is important, so she's big.  As we get older, we try to copy what we see: the sky goes down behind he land; Mommy looks dark when she stands in front of the window.  Then comes wanting: how to make the sky threatening, Mommy a refuge.  This desire level is wide open.  It can be about wanting to create certain abstract shapes and colors, about expressing views on politics, religion,... or anything, but without it, talent and skill have no place to go.  And the reverse it true: passion is powerless in the hands of the inept."
~Thomas S. Buechner

The Department of Youth and Family Services is not the best at communication, apparently.  Sometimes they'll make appointments and not call or show up.  Sometimes they'll be an hour late picking Josiah up for visitation, and sometimes I'll call an hour after they're supposed to pick him up and they'll say, "Oh, visitation was canceled today.  Did no one call you?"  No- that would be YOUR job, caseworker lady.  And today, surprisingly (although I shouldn't be surprised) our court date was moved and no one bothered to tell us.  Thank you, DYFS, for always being diligent when it comes to my child's future.  You are awesome.

Justin and I showed up early at court today eager to hear some news and got nothing- except for a few fun conversations with a parent of one of Justin's students and a pastor of a church that we know who also fosters.  (It's nice to have someone to talk to other than the crazies.)

We prayed for God's will to be done, and for Him to slow the process down and that's what we got.  Three more glorious weeks of no court and no bad news.  God is good.

I love how art mimics life.  My life is the constant battle between what I see, what I want, and what I know.

This is what I see:
I see God answering prayer and stretching out this process longer than it should be taking.
I see God bless us with a daughter and a son.
I see God calling us into a deeper and deeper faith in Him.

This is what I want:
I want God to answer my ultimate request: to have my family be what it always is now.
I want Molly's brother to be Josiah.
I want Josiah's daddy to be Justin.
I want my faith to grow in the midst of uncertainty.

This is what I know:
I know that God not answering all of my prayers in the past has lead to more blessings than I could have imagined.
I know that God's plan is perfect.
I know that I am called to a life where I can't see the end.  And for that, I'm glad.  If God revealed everything to me all at once, I am quite certain that I wouldn't want to get out of bed in the morning.

I am thankful for people who don't do their jobs and communicate like they should.  Being in a place of uncertainty that calls me to rely on God always sharpens my focus on what I see and what I want and what I know to be true.

In the words of Buechner, "Talent and skill have no place to go [without desire].  And the reverse is true: passion is powerless in the hands of the inept."  I know that God is calling me to a life that is balanced between the passion that He's put in my heart and the lessons He is forming in my head.