Tangible Reminders

The day started out pleasant enough.  Pj's till noon.  Whole wheat chocolate chip peanut butter pancakes drizzled with butter and syrup.  Molly telling me her new sweatshirt was "so swarm and nuggily." A walk to Gramby and Pop Pop's, my littles cozied up in the stroller.  Sadie smiling and smiling and smiling like she always does.  I love little moments like these.  They make the pendulum swing to grateful and seem like it should always be stuck there.

But back in the corners of my mind is that soft, bruised place that I try to avoid.  The voice that wants to tell me, "Remember this time last year?  You had better savor it.  It's the last time you'll be able to say 'this time last year, he was here.'"  I shove those thoughts aside and pray that God would redeem this day for me- to make it count for something other than sadness.

When I finally surrendered to getting ready for the day and went upstairs to get dressed, my thoughts turned to a ring I used to wear that I honestly haven't thought about in months.  It was our ring.  Josiah's and mine.  The ring represented the little string that connected Josiah and me to the truth of God's plan.  The word HOPE.  When we first had Josiah placed in our home, I took these pictures with him wearing it.

And the day he left, I took this one:

  

Every time I would look down at my ring, the verse in my head would speak the truth to my heart and tell me that God has a plan and purpose.  He will not forsake me or Josiah.  He knows what He is doing.

Jeremiah 29:11

"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD.  Plans to prosper you, and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."  

I wrote the verse in the Bible we sent along in his going-home box, so the truth of it might penetrate Josiah's heart one day.

*warning, you may not want to make this photo bigger and read this if you're a little teary....it will most like you send you over the edge*

Unfortunately, my fingers swelled during pregnancy and I put the ring away in my jewelry box.

This morning when I remembered the photos and the ring, I was so excited and eager to wear it again.  I told God, "When I look down at that word, I'll remember Your promise, and I'll remember to pray for Josiah to find the plan you want him to."  I slipped it onto my finger, eager for it to find its former home again.  I felt my finger defy my endeavor.  Swollen.

Disgruntled, I shoved my ring back into the jewelry box.  I walked away mumbling to myself, "I shouldn't have put so much salt in the pot roast last night.  I'm not eating any more salt.  Ever."  I stomped out of the room like a surly 2 year old, thinking that maybe God didn't want me to have a tangible reminder of Josiah.  It may do my heart more harm than good.

The rest of the day was quiet and peaceful.  Justin met with our pastor and his wife this afternoon while I stayed home to supervise my happy nappers.

After dinner, Justin told me that he just remembered the pastor's wife wanted him to give something to me.  He went to his car and retrieved a little brown box.

Inside was a necklace. 

                                       

A new necklace with a new word.  heavenward. I almost cried when I saw it.  The little pearl echoed the meaning of my name.  Megan: a pearl.  The engraved word spoke the truth of this verse:   

"Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already arrived at my goal, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me.  Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it.  But one thing I do; Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus."  

Philippians 3:12-14

Perhaps my thoughts need to not be on an earthly plan, hoping for a good future for Josiah or for me.  God's picture is much bigger than that.  The word offers a directional course, a turning away from the old, and straining toward what is ahead.  The prize is not holding onto my children forever or hoping that everything will turn out favorably for me or for them.  The prize is Jesus Himself.

Because of what Jesus has done, He has called us heavenward.  The goal is to live with heaven in mind, and inspire others to do the same.  

Suddenly I don't feel the need to worry about eating too much salt.