Operation: Stay put, baby. Check!

I had the most amazing week.

1- because I got to spend an entire week with my friend, Jen, who is quite possibly the best houseguest in the whole world.  She cooks, cleans, makes me nap, plays with Molly, tells me to go to bed at night when I need to, encourages me to be as lazy as humanly possible,  and doesn't' mind incessant question asking during movies. (You can totally be jealous that she's my friend and not yours.)

AND...

2- I am 36 weeks pregnant and baby girl has decided to stay put for a little while longer...atleast until her Daddy can come back from spending 2 weeks in VA to finish up his master's classes.  He comes home tonight!!!!

Not only do I feel accomplished (Twilight saga and the Harry Potter saga all watched in a span of 7 days. woo hoo!)  but I feel very close to being ready for baby girl to be making an appearance.  Here's my list.  Look how much I've managed to cross off without Justin being here!  I'm stoked.

I feel like not only is my house is getting prepared, but emotionally, I feel I'm getting ready too.  I wouldn't say I'm excited.  I'm not anxious.  I'm not scared or apprehensive.  I'm just ready.  Ready for change.  Ready for newness.  Ready for joy and a sense of relief and gladness. And with that ready feeling comes cold fingers of guilt wanting so badly to squeeze hope away.  It's so strange the guilt that come with wanting to love another child that isn't the son I thought I'd love forever.  

I'm worried what I'll be feeling when she gets here.  

Will I wish I was holding Josiah instead of her?
When my heart is so used to loving and losing, will I guard it and not be able to love her like I should?
Will there be enough of me to go around so I can love her and Molly miss Josiah still all at the same time?
Should I even care if I miss Josiah or do I really need to start letting memories go?  Take his shoes out of the basket next to the door?  Take his pictures off of the walls so Molly can stop talking about him?

I know those are terrible things to think, and I hate even admitting to even entertaining those thoughts.  But there they are- worries that I'm struggling with.

And that is yet another reason why I am so glad that Jen was here this week.  We had a wonderful conversation about how there are feelings that come from God, and feelings that don't.  Jen told me that being sad comes from God.  It comes from an extension of experiencing love that can only come from Him, and then enduring loss of the object of that love.  Joy comes from God, from experiencing love and the good gifts He gives us.  Guilt does not come from God.  Guilt robs both sadness and joy away so that as Christians we can not experience those emotions fully.  Those emotions are gifts.  The world will tell you "get over it," "get through it," "replace sadness with something meaningful so it doesn't hurt as much," "stay as busy as possible so you don't have time to think about it."  We lose so much of the gift of grieving when we do that, and we fall into the trap of feeling guilty if we decide to linger on feeling sad for longer than others think we should.  

But let me say, how sweet this time of loving, and losing, and hoping has been.  It is in recognizing that both sadness and joy can coexist that makes me feel like I can be a good mom to the new blessing that is our baby girl.  And its not just that these two feelings coexist, I see one informing the other.  I see that as God consoles, He also transforms.  I think it is impossible for the nearness of His presence not to change us completely.  I am a better mom, a better student of the Word, a better teacher, a better artist, a better friend, wife, sister, daughter, .... because I have experienced real sadness and real joy.  (and be on the lookout...this has a lot to do with baby girl's name...) ;o)  

I am ready for her.

Operation:  Come out, baby.... commence!      

...actually... please wait until 11:00 tonight when your daddy comes home.