Chapter 17- One long letting go and then changing my mind

I can't begin to tell you how much writing this blog has helped me see how much God has been working in my life. There's nothing like seeing how He's been faithful in your past to assure you He will be faithful in your future. I was finally coming to terms with losing our little boy. It was our prayer that if Josiah wasn't going to be a part of our forever family, that he would go to a Christian home. And God answered that. I was praying he would keep his name. And God answered that. I was praying that as the time was coming to an end I would be able to savor each day and not worry about tomorrow. And God answered that. I was doing ok- not every day, but most days.

I was still a bit guarded though. We were waiting and waiting to buy Molly a crib because if Josiah was leaving any day, I did not want to stare at his empty one. Poor baby girl was sleeping in the bassinet next to me for four months- until she would move an inch in any direction and bump into the sides. A crib was way overdue.

Our meeting with our new case worker in January changed everything.

She told us that Josiah had been 2 weeks away from going to Georgia if Brenda wouldn't have moved. It was now going to take seven to eight MONTHS for her to get approved in New Jersey. And even after that, it would be six months of him living between both of us for him to get acclimated. But.... (the happiest "but" I've ever heard in my life) DYFS would be asking for the judge to leave him with us. (yeah...go ahead and read that sentence over again and let it sink in.) They said he may be too old and too bonded by that time to move him.

Roller coaster of emotions. All aboard!

Seven to eight months. Seven to eight months!!!! I begin to daydream about all of the things I would get to do with him and see him do now that I never thought I would.

Every time the phone would ring, I wouldn't have to worry if this was THE call.

I could buy him clothes for him to GROW IN TO. I didn't need to be sad that he would be leaving before he could wear them.

I could see him walk.

I would hear him talk.

His book of photographs wouldn't say "Josiah's Baby Book." It would say, "Josiah's First Year."

AND we would get to throw him his first birthday party. I let my mind wander to where we could possibly have it so it would hold all of the people I wanted to invite. Somehow my daydreaming put it in our school gym with bleachers full of people with balloons and signs and everyone chanting his name when we walked in.

Before, on days I would struggle, I would think about the good-bye party I would have for him. And now we would be having a BIRTHDAY PARTY!!!!! I can't begin to tell you how excited I am about it.

Everyday he is with us, I can't imagine him going anywhere else. And then Brenda calls and wants to see him. And I feel myself pulling him closer and not wanting to share. But he's still not mine.

When I asked Justin what he thinks will happen, he said, "I don't want to think about it. If I think about him staying, I get my hopes up. If I think about him leaving, I'm sad. So I choose not to think about it at all."

That's probably a healthier attitude to have. But I find myself daydreaming all the time.

About Josiah and Molly hand in hand as they walk into the same class at school together.

About building an addition on our home so they would each have their own room. I think about the murals I would paint in each of them.

I think about the lifetime of sharing him with his biological family and what that would mean for Molly.

I don't know how to pray. This whole journey I've always wanted the family God wanted to give me. I would pray for His will, dig my heels in when He would have a different plan than I did, and finally accept it- even be happy about it. I've lost babies before. But not like this. Josiah has a name, a face, a personality. He calls us "Mama" and "Dada" now. I ask God to let us keep him. I should know better by now to pray that prayer, right?

We have never felt comfortable hiring lawyer and fighting for him. After knowing his family like we do now, how could we do that to them?

His permanency hearing is March 16th- 3 days before his birthday. I'm praying for an answer either way. The "planner" in me just wants to know. Isn't it funny how much God has had to say, "Trust Me" and I still struggle? I'm such an wandering-in-the-wilderness Israelite.

But....Josiah is here today. We're watching Mickey Mouse Clubhouse together snuggling on the couch as I type with one hand. Molly is still asleep in her two-crib room.

God is so good.