Hurty Thirty

I dreamt about Josiah last night.  It's my own fault.  I shouldn't have blogged about him before going to bed.

He was taller, longer, his round face thinned a bit, curly soft hair and the same chocolate eyes I know so well.  His hair was shaved a little on the sides, like someone had cared enough about him to make sure he looked well groomed.  He looked too thick and heavy to pick up, but I did anyway.  I put my hands under his arms and felt the tug in my legs and lower back as I settled his weight awkwardly on my hip.  


"Do you know who this is?"  I heard someone ask him as he looked at my face, puzzled.  


"She looks like someone I knew once,"  he said.  "She looks a little like my mama, but I think she had shorter hair."


"I can cut it again." I spoke swiftly and softly.  "I was going to cut it again anyway.  Maybe you'll recognize me then.  I would do anything for you, Josiah." 


And then I woke up.  Welcome to thirty, Megan.

There's something about every birthday, every milestone, every holiday that reminds me that the house is emptier, quieter, more peaceful than it was last year.  Every time there is a special day, a little voice likes to say, "This time last year, he was here.  Remember how happy you were when he was here?"  I hate that voice.  There is too much truth to it to dismiss it quickly, and just enough lie to let me wrestle with it and let it spoil what should be a happy day.  

I tell myself that I wouldn't be able to give my girls as much energy and attention if he was here.  I try to remember what it felt like to have to pack him up for visitation every week and watch him cry as he drove away without me.  I think about the knots in my stomach watching Justin have to deal with talking to Josiah's grandfather, and how much I hated going to court, praying that the outcome would end in our favor, talking with law guardians, nurses, and case workers trying to advocate for the well-being of my son.  I try to focus on how good my life is right this moment..."Hasn't your life been easier without him?" I argue with my previous thoughts,  "Can you imagine how hard it would be having three right now?"

None if it matters.  I miss him.  I miss him.  I miss him.  And this time last year, he was here.  Eating my birthday cake, squishing it through his fingers, and licking it off the back of his hands.  

When I drove to work today,  I prayed for Josiah...that he is happy and healthy and knows how loved he is.  My thoughts drifted to how many times I took this drive and cried out to God to please move mountains for this little boy.  I remember how often I was comforted when I would see a single sparrow cross the road in front of me.

"My eye is on the sparrow,"  He would speak to my heart. "Josiah is worth more than many sparrows."

Today as I prayed, I told God how happy I should be, how grieving this loss should hurt less by now, and how much He has blessed me.  Shouldn't the good outweigh the bad, at some point?  Shouldn't I feel so overwhelmingly thankful that there is no room for hurt anymore?

Just as I rounded a corner, on my way through a cornfield, I saw the most amazing display of a flock of blackbirds that I have ever seen in my life.  Swarming in perfect synchronization, like schools of fish, thick black billowing clouds, thousands- I mean THOUSANDS- of blackbirds.  Whirling, swirling, fluttering wings.  "Look at me! Look at me!" they demanded my attention.  I think I must have slowed down to 15 miles and hour, and still they descended. Different flocks from every direction.  Coming, coming, coming, like they all had something to say.

"Do you think Josiah is beyond the scope of my care?" He spoke.  "If you only knew how much I love him.  He is worth more than many, many sparrows."    

I don't know how to explain how this road to healing can be both filled with grief and joy at the same time.  I only know that when I question His faithfulness, He is the lifter of my head.

It was a hard day, but I think I'm going to like thirty.

Hello, Thirty!

I've been told that this is supposed to be the hardest birthday.  This is my attempt to assure myself that it won't be.

Perhaps if I haven't loved so much, laughed so much, lived so much, and learned so much in my twenties, THIRTY may seem like a daunting age.  I'm not going to lie- it is a little bit.  I think there is a preconceived notion that someone in their thirties should have a certain amount of wisdom and experience and maturity.  I'm not so sure if I have the wisdom and maturity, but experiences- I've had a slew, and I'm so thankful for them.  

And today, on my last day of my twenties, I want to remember some them, because I am thankful for what they have taught me and how they have shaped me.    

• When I was twenty, I went to Honduras and painted murals in an orphanage.  
• I met friends at college that to this day are so precious to me.  
• When I was twenty-one, my best friend asked me to marry him.
• I watched my older sister get married to a wonderful Christian man who adores her.  
• I rode a gondola through the streets of Venice.  
• I climbed to the top of St. Peter's Basilica.  
• I stood under Michealangelo's Sistine Chapel.  
• I dipped my toes in the Mediterranean Sea.  
• At twenty-two, I graduated cum laude with an art degree from Houghton college.  (I survived 4 years in sub-arctic temperatures and became a pro at scraping snow off my car.)
• I made it through four years of a long-distance relationship (210 miles apart!)...and that's before skype and texting, people.  
• I toured Neuchwanstein Castle with my little sister.  
• I ate Bavarian chocolate in Bavaria.  
• I rode a cable car to the top of the Alps and saw a little old man in lederhosen play one of these: 

• I married my best friend.  
• I dipped my toes in the Caribbean Sea.
• We bought our first condo.  
• I got my first real job. 
• At age twenty-three, I quit my first job.  
• We got a dog and named him Lito.  
• At twenty-four, we sold our condo for a profit, and bought my dream house- in my dream town.  
• I got my dream job teaching art in a Christian school.  
• I earned my teaching certificate through New Jersey's alternate route program.  
• At twenty-five, my husband came to that Christian school to teach, and we coached basketball together.   
• We got another dog and named him Duncan. 
• I watched my little sister get married to her best friend.  
• At twenty-six I had two babies born straight to heaven.  
• I dipped my toes in the Pacific Ocean.  
• At twenty-seven I had two more babies born straight to heaven.  
• I was blessed to become Josiah's mommy.  
• I was blessed to carry a baby to full-term and became Molly's mommy.  
• At twenty-eight I was challenged to trust God with my children's future.     
• At twenty-nine, I put Josiah in God's hands and watched him find a forever home away from us.  
• I started my own small business as a portrait artist.
• I was blessed to become a mommy to another daughter, Sadie Joy.  

My heart is so full with thankfulness for everything God has enabled me to do in my twenties.  In these next ten years, I hope it will be less about what I experience, and more about the experiences I can bless my family with.  I'm excited how I will watch my love grow- for God, for my husband, for my children, for my family, and for others around me.  

Hello, 30!  Nice to meet you.  

Psalm Thirty-three: Hurt, Harm, and Hope

"From Heaven the LORD looks down and sees all mankind; from his dwelling place he watches all who live on the earth- he who forms the hearts of all, who considers all they do."  v 13-15


"The eyes of the LORD are on those who fear him, on those whose hope is in his unfailing love, to deliver them from death and keep them alive in famine."  v 18-19


"We wait in hope for the LORD; he is our help and our shield.  In Him our hearts rejoice, for we trust in his holy name.  May your unfailing love rest upon us, O LORD, even as we put our hope in you."  v 20-22

The shield is an image the invokes the idea that the one who holds it is in the midst of a battle.  It is the thin piece of metal that protects one from getting harmed.  It is not something we hide behind, yet it is there so that when we do face times of great peril and danger, we do not have to fear what the enemy may bring.  

I've been meddling over this thought a lot these past few weeks, even more so when a pastor friend of ours was talking about the difference between hurt and harm.  Hurt implies pain. From loss, death, betrayal, loneliness, fear, depression, etc.... Harm on the other hand, is when we allow the darkness from this pain to permeate our hearts and cause irrevocable damage that affects our testimony, personhood, and the way we love others and allow them to love us.  It is easy to confuse the two.  It is even easier to think that God we serve somehow causes harm to beset us.  

The more pain I face, the more I see the opposite it true. The Bible promises that we will experience pain.  It is our choice if we will allow this pain to merely hurt us or forever harm us.  

From the abyss of emptiness from pain and hollowness that hurt brings, a still small voice can be heard.  It is so faint at first when I first experienced it, I fought it, wishing, hoping, praying, then taking it upon myself to try to flee from it.  It starts as a whisper. 

 At first it says, "Trust Me."

And I say, "I wish you chose a different plan for me that didn't hurt so much."

 And then it speaks, "I love you." 

And I say, "I know that, but I don't feel like You do."  

 And then still louder it says, "I know how you feel and I hurt for you too." 

And I say, "I trust your plan, but can you make the pain go away?"

 Then the voice says, "I gave my life so you could know how it feels to be completely loved and completely at peace forever."

And I from the deep cavernous pit that sorrow has brought, I can feel my answer ringing, singing, louder and louder.  It is sweet surrender.  The conclusion drawn.  The answer found.  It is HOPE.... 

And finally I say, "I was not made for here.  You can have all this world.  Give me Jesus!"

It is only pain that brings us to our knees.  It makes us long for a world that only our heart can recognize because at its very core it knows that we were made to be different than we are now- whole, at peace, perfect, and in a world that only knows how to love the way He loves us.  

Until I am there, I know that He will protect me from letting hurt question His faithfulness and love for me.  I know that He will not let harm beset me from famine.  But I pray that He will keep me ever so slightly hungry that I don't forget that He is the only One who will satisfy me fully.

"The eyes of the LORD are on those who fear him, on those whose hope is in his unfailing love, to deliver them from death and keep them alive in famine. We wait in hope for the LORD; he is our help and our shield.  In Him our hearts rejoice, for we trust in his holy name.  May your unfailing love rest upon us, O LORD, even as we put our hope in you."  v 18-22  

         

  

ker-PLUNK!!!

I got to spend a WHOLE weekend with Levi.  ( I know, try not to be jealous.)  I had a happy bubbling-up feeling in my gut as I got to watch my best friend be a mommy to the boy God chose as her son.  I'll  show the grandness of the weekend in pictures...

                                      

I don't think I can possibly describe the feeling of watching God work so tangibly and deliberately in Jen's life and in my life and in the lives of our children these past two years.  So I'll just tell you with a passage of scripture, some onomatopoeia, and a song.

                                   

²² Then Moses led Israel from the Red Sea, and they went out into the wilderness of Shur; and they went three days in the wilderness and found no water. ²³When they came to Marah, they could not drink the waters of Marah, for they were bitter; therefore it was named Marah. ²⁴ So the people grumbled at Moses, saying, “What shall we drink?” 

²⁵ Then he cried out to the LORD, and the LORD showed him a tree; and he threw it into the waters, and the waters became sweet.

   There He made for them a statute and regulation, and there He tested them. ²⁶And He said, “If you will give earnest heed to the voice of the LORD your God, and do what is right in His sight, and give ear to His commandments, and keep all His statutes, I will put none of the diseases on you which I have put on the Egyptians; for I, the LORD, am your healer.”

Exodus 15:22-26

Ker-Plunk!  SPLASH!!!  Ripple...Ripple...Ripple...Ripple...ripple...

An Update on Josiah!

Sometimes people ask us if we hear about Josiah.  The answer is no.  The grandparents never call.  DYFS never calls.  (They finally stopped calling about 2 months ago for wanting to place another child with us, even though we told them we were closing our home in February.)  And we never call to ask.  We learned from the lovely encounter on Josiah's birthday, that sometimes not knowing things is better. But yesterday, Justin finally had a reason to call DYFS because he needed some paperwork that they had.  He was able to ask about our little man.

I don't have much news, but they say he is doing well and loving being with his brother.  The bad news:  the parents STILL will not relinquish their rights, and the state has not officially taken them away.  So that probably means he's still subjected to stupid visitation every week with them, and the poor grandparents are still having to go to pointless court hearings.  This was disheartening.  More than anything I want permanency and a forever home for Josiah, even if it isn't my home.

Justin and I were talking about how much we miss him still.  We went to a friend's house that had one of Josiah's toys that he used to play with, and the sounds that it made triggered an empty feeling in my gut.  I just never know when the feeling will knock me down.  Justin and I were thankful after we heard the latest, that as much as it hurt letting him go, God probably saved us from a lot of pain and heartache in the long run.  We would STILL have been dealing with visitation, and court, and craziness.  I can't imagine having to explain things to Molly, who now understands and repeats everything that I tell her.  We still have pictures of Josiah in our house, and Molly talks about him.  The other day she wanted to pray for him.  I can't decide if it's a good or bad thing to let his memory linger around the house.  It makes me both happy and sad at the same time.  

I do know that I'm ready to finally take our family picture down and replace it with a new one.  I'm ready to celebrate our family of 4....it's a different 4 than it was this time last year.  Its the 4 God designed for us to have right now, and I am so thankful for both of my girls.

All that being said, please pray for Josiah and his family.

Giraffes, Syrup, and welcoming Levi!

I LOVE animals, which is why I used to love going to the zoo.  That's not why I like to go anymore. Because as much as I like to see animals, nothing makes me happier than seeing Molly see animals.  I think the first time we went with her, I took more pictures of her looking at them than I took of the animals themselves.  (Granted, she was more interested in showing me where all the fences were.  "Look, Mama!  A fence!" was what she kept saying over and over as we strolled through the park.  It was a frustrating endeavor for me to try to help her get the best experience she could from our trip.)

The next time we went, Sadie was 2 weeks old.  (I know...am I crazy!?!?)  Sadie made it clear that she wanted no part of the zoo until she had her belly filled, so I found a shaded bench by the giraffes and fed her.  It was funny watching other people as they walked by to look at the exhibit.  When parents were with children, it was almost like they had each received the same script.

"Look!  Do you see the giraffe?!?!"  (Finger outstretched in the air.)  "Look at his long neck!  Do you see it?"

"Of course they see it," I thought to myself.  "It's 15 feet high and right in front of them.  Stop treating your kid like an idiot."  But of course, after I was done feeding Sadie, I scooped Molly up in my arms and said the exact same thing to her.

It is a natural human desire to have the people you love experience what you love at the same time you are.

It is no different with friends.  I want my friends to love what I love, which is why it is often painful to have a relationship with someone who deserves what you have.  It's like sitting next to your friend and both of you are eating the best pancakes in the world, except you get to enjoy it with syrup and they don't.  It doesn't matter if they taste good. You can't possibly enjoy the pancakes as much as you would like to, knowing that your friend isn't able to enjoy them fully.

It was like that with my friend, Jen.  She never would want me to feel guilty for having what I have.  I loved watching her with Molly and Sadie, mostly because I knew how much she loves them.  Still, there is that aching feeling of knowing what an amazing mother she is and watching God continually make her long for the thing she desires most.

...and then, she called me last week to tell me that her son was born and that she and her husband, Micah, were flying out to Oklahoma to get him!  I had a hard time focusing on anything for the next few days, and spent this whole week checking her facebook and blog for any updates or pictures.  (I'm sure I wasn't the only one.) :o)      

This may be a very selfish way of looking at things, but I have no other way to explain it.  My world is a happier place knowing that my friend is happier in it, and knowing that she gets to show the best of that world to her son, Levi.

Maybe one day we can take Molly, and Sadie, and Levi to the zoo together and watch their faces as they watch the giraffes.    

God is good.  And life is plate-lickin' sweet.

Minga, Tenga, and CoCo

One day, Molly, I'll have a conversation with your future husband and we'll discuss how special you were as a child.  :o)  

I love this girl.  

Celebrating Molly

My little girl turned 2 today.  I can believe it.  She's been displaying signs of "terrible two's" for months now.  With the passing of the anniversary of this special day, I am honored to look back and be thankful for the gift she is to me, my family, and our friends.

I'm not a huge fan of birthday parties.  Maybe it's the overwhelming guilt of spending money and asking others to spend money that makes me get a knot in my stomach.  It's not like she needs anything.  The girl's favorite toys are giant bottles of spices from BJ's.  They have names.  I call them paprika, garlic salt and red pepper flakes.  To her they are Tenga, Minga, and Coco.  Sometimes they are trains, sometimes they invite each other over for dinner,  sometimes stack on top of each other and they are towers.  I just love her and her imagination.  ...alright, maybe the girl needs some dolls.

But...as the date quickly approached in between the middle of the chaos of summer ending and school beginning, I felt the need as a "good" mother to make sure the day was celebrated.  And I'm glad I did.  Today a few of our friends and family gathered at my parents' house under their beautiful picnic pavilion to tell Molly that she was loved.

Last year the theme was "girl."  This year the theme was "flower."  I'm trying my best to avoid the Disney princess party that I see looming in the very near future...  (I want to wait until she's going to remember it so it can be extra special if I'm going to pony up the cash to buy the necessary Princess decor.)

bouncy house = another way for Molly to boss other kids around.

centerpieces...  

B, birthday girl, one proud mama

she loved her watermelon...

...as you can see 

cupcakes that took way to long to make, but I loved them. 

2! 

Special Agent Oso from Pop-pop and B.  She was giggling and just saying "He's so si-wee."  over and over.  It was adorable!  

and the big hit of the day from Uncle Gregg....

It took her forever to get going because each time she pushed the button to make it go two inches, she felt the need to celebrate her accomplishment.  

"I did it!"

"I did it again!"

Then she got the hang of it...

...and then it was Oso's turn to push the button.  

and of course, there was a whole lot of Sadie-passing around...

and some sheep feeding...

I'm glad we decided to celebrate our sweet girl!  

Happy Birthday, Molly Grace!