Stuck

I've been mulling over a new chapter in my Jordan series for over a week now.  I've sat down over a dozen times to add to the five pages that I have already, and I can't seem to finish it.  I am completely stuck and I know why.  God stops revealing when I stop obeying.  I know what I have to do, and I don't want to do it.

I've been recounting the story of my run-in with Josiah and his family with lots of people.  It really is beyond coincidence.  I know there was a reason for it.  I keep thinking if I only had gone to a different store first,  if I had only gone to my parents' house to get computer paper instead, if we had extended our walk earlier in the day by five minutes, if I had only chosen a different cart to put Molly in that wasn't stuck, if only..., if only..., if only....  I would still imagine Josiah covered in frosting for his birthday, I would imagine he is healthy and taken care of, I would think about how happy he is instead of how crappy I feel, and I wouldn't hate his family as much as I do now.  But really...

I. do. not. like. them.

I'm okay with never knowing the reason that Josiah had to leave when he did.  Atleast I think I'm okay with it.  But I'm not content with having gone through loving and then losing a child without seeing God's goodness in the situation.  It is in sorrow that I see Him most clearly and I so desperately want Him to heal me.  And here's the thing...I have a deadline in which He needs to complete this transformation.  15 weeks.  That's all the time I've got.  Because in 15 weeks, I'm going to have another baby in this house.  And I fear that if I am not completely over feeling sad over losing Josiah, then I am going to use this baby as way to heal from it.  And I don't want to do that.  I don't want to turn God's blessing into an idol saying, "this child replaced the one He took away."  Because that isn't the purpose of a child.  I want God to heal my heart in a real tangible way before this baby comes.  I guess it's a way I feel I need to "nest" my heart as I prepare to "nest" my home.  And I know that God can use people to heal us, but I've decided that's not the way that I want Him to do it.  Yes, hello, I am stubborn.  and impatient.  and completely putting God in a box.  But I believe He knows me and knows my heart and will meet me where I am.

And this is the place that I am at the moment: I am stuck in the mud because I refuse to let myself see His goodness in an area He wants to show me: Josiah's family.

I guess, technically, I'm still in the "angry" phase of the grieving process.  Feeling angry hurts less than feeling sad, so I need someone to blame.  I've tried blaming God before, and we all know how well that worked.  Sometimes I let myself think that it was my husband's fault for not wanting to fight for Josiah longer and harder than we did.  But, I know Justin felt it was God's will for us to give Josiah a stable family life, even if it meant it wasn't in our family, and I know he is right.  I know it's not DYFS's fault (maybe for getting our hopes up in the first place) but they did what we asked them to do.  So that leaves Josiah's family- the people that abandoned him the hospital and then decided two years later that it was "convenient" for them to take him back.  They are the easiest to blame, especially since I know that the anger is reciprocal.  They hate us.  They are ungrateful.  They blame us for taking Josiah away in the first place.  They haven't even called us to say "thank you" for how hard we fought to get Josiah to live with his grandparents.  

I never realized how angry I am at them until I saw them on Josiah's birthday.  Maybe that's why God allowed us to cross paths.  There are some sin issues that need to be dealt with in my heart before I can continue to see God's goodness on my path to healing.  I want to lay the burden down.  I want to tell God I can love these people.  I want to experience the peace that comes from doing God's will.  But how can I do that without telling God that I'm okay with how they hurt us, and especially how they hurt Josiah?

Maybe I can do that because He did that for us.
We refused to believe Him.
We mocked Him.
We rejected Him.
We beat Him.
We killed Him.

And He loved us.  He loves me.  With everything I've done to Him, He loves me.  Maybe that's His goodness that I need to find in the midst of anger and bitterness that I have for Josiah's family.  Maybe that's healing.  Maybe I need to let some things go now.